Kimi ni Aisarete Itakatta

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Imagine for a moment the iconic British bathroom sink. You turn the left tap and it scalds your hands. You turn the right but it numbs and chills to the bone. What's left after is in the bowl; lukewarm and always feeling a bit unclean - That is my experience with Kimi ni Aisarete Itakatta. Translated as You Loved Me So Much It Hurt. More like a love that crushes like a mace.

This manga is by Shiruka Bakaudon; surely a very healthy and happy lady. Well, she gets right to the point with it in chapter one with setting the tone for how this ... story will go in no unclear language: Things will get ugly.
But it is not about the beginning, nor the ending, but the path we take to get there - and especially each pitfall, mud puddle, the cuts, the bruises, and the eyes staring at us from the sides along the way.

Through the lens of main girl Kanae and her clique of vapid, cute, cruel, and ugly frenemies we are invited into a world where each step is fraught with danger and second guessing; all compliments are suspect, a simple cute ribbon can symbolize deep inferiority complexes, alliances have all the depth of a photograph; loyalty is something mythological, fake smiles, vengeance is never proportionate, that bitch who publicly humiliated you? You're having lunch with her today; smile for selfies! The ground beneath your feet can always give way, sometimes you hate and spit on the one you love the very most, often just a page flip later; everything is always extreme; too hot or too cold and there is just this sense of paranoia and disquiet that never leaves the reader alone.

As a man, it's an alien world I cannot understand and so I find it all very fascinating but in the sense of being unable to look away from a train wreck of billowing flames. Shiruka Bakaudon is a master of revealing the dark side of the feminine lunar surface, always juxtaposed to that shining and always perfect side that charms us.
From the same region that gives you cute girls doing cute things, now you too will understand why and how the very girls from that same land may end up in the news for jumping off a building.

And to our great benefit S.B. is on point with her art as well - The girls are incredibly expressive. In one panel, an almost stereotypical heroine of a shoujo manga with flowers and sweet tarts. A few panels away that same face will be twisted in pain, anger and grimace, full 180 degrees. This manga has possibly some of my favorite reaction faces and it's just all very memorable. At the same time, she also mixes it up and will draw the characters looking very disarming and even comedic with no concern for any whiplash you may receive from sudden hard braking; not her problem.

Character wise, they all feel really human and real; her weakest being her male characters but overall guys are still better portrayed than in most other works, especially shoujo. These girls, sometimes I feel so bad watching them struggle I want to just pat their head and console them. Other times, I wish that same girl would fall face first down a flight of stairs. There are no heroes here, but everyone seems to get a villain arc. It takes great maturity to take it all in and say "You are a horrible person who does horrible things, but you too, were a victim. I'm sorry it happened."

The title is pretty apt - It's all about to hurt and be hurt and there is nobody that will not know the inevitability of pain. But, even if we know it might hurt we do it anyways, because that's still feeling something at least. And that's likely why you are here, and why I hope you read this one of a kind story. Trigger warning - Get hurt and learn.

After seeing who the author was, I had pretty low expectations for this because of what the she has made in the past. And this thinking was justified for the first 10 chapters. However, after those 10 chapters the manga takes a noticeable step away from the dark edgy content and becomes more an enjoyable read. Albeit not by much, but enough to keep the attention of the reader.

The criticism of how horribly girls in their adolescence can treat each other at the drop of a hat in order to "fit in" is a core aspect to this manga. Kanae desperately tries to find a ... group of friends that will accept her, only to be met with the exact thing that she's worried about. After chapter 12 it more so focuses on the developing relationships between the characters, and more specifically Kanae and Hiroshi.

Outside of 3 characters, the rest of them are horrible people, and that's why they're interesting. Because if they weren't, then this manga wouldn't be worth looking at.

One of the things that I love about manga is seeing the journey the artist has taken in improving their art, and this is no exception. Comparing her older chapters to the newer ones is pretty noticable. That's not to say that the art at the beginning of the manga is bad, it certainly does have its charm.

Overall I did derive some semblance of enjoyment from seeing a mentally ill girl experience what love is like and try to protect that feeling, and if you're into that then you'll like it. If you can't get past the first 9 chapters, no one will blame you, since you aren't really missing much that can't be found elsewhere.

This manga is unnecessarily dark/sad that its barely even enjoyable.

All of the characters (especially the main character) are all genuinely not even a good person. To the point that we can't even sympathize with anyone.

(skip this paragraph spoilers) Let me explain why its unnecessarily dark with bitches as characters
There's this one bully at school. She bullies Main character cuz she got friendly with her crush... OK I can understand that much.
BUT JUST for bullying her at school, the main character gotta have to get her bully kidnapped and RAPED???

It hints at a greater psychological meaning... but it takes place in a school, ... where every character does stupid shit so its hard thinking about the deeper meaning. And most source of conflict is the same goddamn thing: to fit in. I know some people have trouble with fitting in but goddamn is it really such a massive issue? But perhaps it is for girls idk.

Unless you like "i can fix her" type stuff, there's no point you should be reading this.