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What a load of drivel. The best part of this show was when it ended. Zero out of ten. What did I just sit through? Let me tell you: 4 hours of metaphors. People speak in mumbo jumbo metaphors for FOUR HOURS. Whilst it may sound fancy - it really is not. I prefer poignant and pointed language that gets the heart of the matter - not some cracked up priest screaming "AMEN" at me.

What was the writer of this thinking when they sat down to write the plot??? "Ah, there's a vampire, he's, ah, like, really strong, he just kinda, like, fights everyone, the ... end". I can't think that the writer of this drivel thought beyond that. If I removed ALL the dialogue from this show - I don't think there would be one piece of information I would be missing. Not one thing was said that revealed anything or was of any use. The reason I say this is because much of the plot is self told in the watcher's brain. Everything is left to the watcher's intepretation. It's boring. Why did this or that happen? I'm almost certain the author's wouldn't be able to tell me.

I am now going to fine tooth comb this dumpster fire:

Motivations:
1. What motivates Alucard into being loyal to the Hellsing family and Britain at large? It's a Scooby Doo mystery folks. Most powerful man on earth by quite a stretch but needs to receive orders from a woman in a fancy house. "Ah, because they created him". So what?
2. What motivates Anderson to fight Alucard, then help Hellsing and then fight Alucard. He follows orders then disobeys them and then follows them again. For a man with such a determined look on his face - he sure doesn't have any priorities. He becomes a monster to defeat a monster (the thing he detests). He dies with a smile on his face after failing - as though he completed the task he has had on his mind for the past 500 years. He does most of the talking in the anime and he says: "Amen" a lot. Why? Let me tell you why: The creators think it sounds cool. He will kill Alucard but won't kill Hellsing, meaning: he's too stupid to be taken seriously.
3. What motivates the butler? No idea. He wants to kill Alucard they say. HE WAS THE GUY THAT IMPRISONED ALUCARD IN THE BASEMENT. HE COULDN'T KILL HIM? HELLO? ANYBODY THERE?
4. What was the motivation for having Alucard locked away in the first place? Alucard literally does not harm a single British fly but needs to be locked away and then when he is unlocked, nothing "bad" happens. It's simply unexplainable and I'm sitting here the whole time thinking: Are they going to explain this now? How about now? I've watched anime with plot holes and thouroughly enjoyed them - this anime does it in a way that I feel takes me for granted and spits in my face and I don't appreciate it.
5. The Archbishop's motivation? He is stated as having 2: He doesn't want to be forgotten along with a need to be in a position of power and also a need to wipe out the monsters and heretics. Whilst this seems consistent atleast - it just seems kind of... weak... I don't understand fanatics I guess but having a major villain being such a poorly driven fanatic is underwhelming...

Finally I would like to touch on the powers of the characters: There is no definitive power scaling. Everyone gets more or less powerful at the writer's convenience and new powers are gained and lost whenever the writers were feeling a bit lost. I wasn't on the edge of my seat thinking about what cool powers would be on display next, no, I was recoiled in the fetal position thinking: "when is someone going to shoot snakes from their anus" or "why don't they just have someone play with time a little". No honest fighting - only new powers in the nick of time. Very boring. Oh look, a stake that turns you into a thorn man, oh look, an illusionist, oh look, a guy who throws cards, oh wow, a regenerationist who lost an arm and can't regenerate it. WOW - segoi! Oh look the butler is young all of sudden, COOL. Oh wow, Major is a machine for no reason, WHO WOULD'VE THUNK IT? Oh Schrodinger's cat guy got Alucard all confused but he didn't die. Crazy scenes! The butler can kill everyone with razor wire control! I'm in awe! Policegirl lost an arm but grew it back as black stuff and is now on the offensive! I'm on the edge of my seat you guys!

Whilst this review may be seen as containing spoilers, there was nothing to spoil. A sculptor tried to create a sculpture out of excrement and Hellsing Ultimate was born. Whilst it may look good from far - get up close and be prepared to get a whiff of the smelliest lump of trash to be created since I'm not sure when. Not just that but view the sculpted face of excrement begin to sag and fall off onto the floor making a mess. Don't go near this.

This is a perfect shonen anime although probably a little too titillating for such an audience. It's no masterpiece but it is very good. The characters do not really grow, the battles are kind of similar (still very good though) but that really doesn't detract from the beautiful scenery, lovely orchestral music, overwhelming odds and overall perfect teenage angst throughout. I feel jealous of teenagers after watching this. This is an absolute love circle of an anime. Who's he going to pick? We all know who but that doesn't stop everyone from wanting a slice. I'm whole-heartedly jealous of the protagonist. He's super cool, ... perfectly aloof, extremely talented, well drawn and gives out just the right amount of thread for his lovers to pull at so that everyone gets sucked into his constant gloom. I repeat this anime is very good but probably only for young men or women who wouldn't mind the prospect of being a harem girl (I think all of them wouldn't mind being the protagonist's harem girl). I would never recommend or speak of this anime to anyone in real life but I still enjoyed it. Don't watch it.

This movie was a dumpster fire of luck and happenstance.

Sophie finds a the pogo stick to end the war in the beginning of the movie.
Heen the dog decides to betray his owner on a whim.
Sophie gets young and old on a dime. How the curse works... I don't really even care. Some have speculated it's about how old she feels - I think it's about how much love she has for Howl. If it's the former, how on earth did the witch know Sophie lived like a grandma, supposing the witch's first sighting of Sophie was Sophie's encounter with Howl? Magic is retarded because ... being impulsive is not a sign of age - sure it can be telling but it is not - objectively - an indicator of age. If it's the latter: is Sophie continuously falling in and out of love with Howl?
Sophie finds a massive castle that a powerful witch couldn't find.
The pogo stick is able to control the movements of the castle.
Howl is found outside of the trip to past for no real reason.
Sophie's mother happens upon Sophie and betrays her.
There's a battleship in the secret garden that Howl MUST destroy.
Why is there a door to the past amongst the wreckage of the castle... WHY? You don't know = this movie is retarded. It reminds me of a play I watched when I was 17 where all the criminals got struck by lightning and died. That is this movie - things happen conveniently and so there is no tension, no build up, no building - nothing really.
Howl is fighting a war on whose side and for what reason - who knows?

If time is able to loop around on itself so that something in the future is able to influence something that "hasn't happened yet", then: everything that happens is predetermined because every event leading up to you finding a magic door to the past WILL happen. In other words, there's a door to the past amongst some newly formed wreckage that forces everything in the past to occur just as it did so that Sophie could eventually find that exact door and be in that exact state. It quite literally means everything before that point was of no value because it was all going to happen anyways. And then the door conveniently disappears. I actually feel like I've been robbed of my time. Also if doors like that exist then everything is predetermined.

I was going to get people to watch this with me in the cinemas - that would've been embarrassing.

This movie has gone beyond being a movie and entered the realm of art. This piece of work is a masterpiece.

Whilst the anime is 7/10 - it would be better to watch it before the movie even though it's not required.

Visuals: 10/10. Even the explosions evoke strong emotions. The explosions explode with beautiful timings and visuals. It's very good.

Characters: 10/10. The characters grow and love in a way that makes the heart yearn.

Music: 10/10. The music is subtle and barely noticeable mostly but in the moments that it is brought to the forefront - it is perfect and powerful. The closing song is perfect ... too.

Plot: 10/10. It couldn't be better.

This anime is a gripping masterpiece - it'll have you on edge throughout.

This anime is fine - it's lukewarm.

This anime is warming to watch with plenty of heart felt moments. The unbreakable love triangle is constant throughout which adds to the jolly and sensual mood without end. I like love but I like heartbreak just as much. This anime needs some real strife – it needs more tension. I’ve watched both seasons over 2 days and maybe it’s my fault but there is only so much happiness, joy and warmth one person can take. This anime is perfectly warm, it never puts a foot wrong. I dropped this anime four points because it’s simply not the ... best. Every moment flows naturally/unforced to the next moment. Nothing “bad” ever really happens. I enjoy nothing much ever happening but then throwing in battles and fake strife is vapid - just let it be about everyday life and relationships then and even then only one person really risked anything in the show with a love confession and that love confession goes unanswered.

This anime tries to take the themes of: adult relationships/marriage/love, multiple dimensional travel, as of yet – limitless magic and the bible to create something new and interesting - it doesn't fail but it's no masterpiece. Mix beef and ice-cream to create a dish – it’s difficult nigh impossible. This anime is like an palatable beef ice-cream.

This anime is fine. It's not the best but it's watchable and enjoyable most of the time. The enjoyment teeters out bit by bit though because of pure monotony.

This anime is very bad. As of writing this review - I have been rendered physically unable to watch this anime any further - it puts me to sleep. What else is there to say if I am not able to watch it anymore? Well, I tried reading the Wikipedia summaries and watching the anime battles if they sounded epic enough but I can't even do that anymore either.

Here are a few reasons why this anime is terrible in my opinion:

1. No one dies. They just have the same fights again and again and again where everyone lives and then I have to watch the ... same fight (or similar fight) again at some point. I can't do it anymore. Maybe they are catering towards children but as an adult - I need some characters to be killed off so that I can move forward. There are just 100s of characters that I am disinterested in that keep reappearing.

2. This show tries to portray heartfelt moments in-between the fighting but simply fails to warm my heart in any way. Any main character could die and I would not only not be sad - I would actually enjoy it. Kill off Rukia, kill Ichigo, kill Inoue, kill Chad even, see if I care. Kill all the main characters in episode 92 which I will never watch - an episode 92 in which everyone dies would be better than whatever was actually written and produced. Kill the mod souls, kill the shop-keep - doesn't matter to me.

3. Music, yawn, the screaming at the end of the one opening track is pretty good - that's the only memorable thing.

4. I think the main reason for this anime being terrible is the fact that everything happens so slowly if at all. Just 100s of fight scenes with no one dying and so the next fight scene is just the same (not-dead) people fighting again.

5. The fact that the characters are depicted as having steel swords when in reality they are fighting with marshmallows because they simply have no killing power. I can't watch another character get sliced and diced only for them to fall to their knees, bleed everywhere and then, voila, full recovery. Maybe I should change my perspective because it's a fictional world but I'm not going to.

Redeeming qualities:

1. The white masked Ichigo.

2. Female character breast size and Yoruichi's nudity.

3. Ichigo's father.

4. Ichigo's swords.

5. The shop-keep is pretty cool.

All of the redeeming qualities are fickle at best. This anime was very bad, watch it before bed to put you to sleep. I got a few good nights sleep by doing this.

Started with massive potential. I felt my heart strings being played with ever so gently but as the series crept onward - all such feelings dissipated and I was left with annoyance and emptiness mostly.

The story goes through the same loop: new town, train, meet a few strangers, kill the weak badie, have a memory, Frieren like magic and repeat for 28 x 20 minutes. Like one or 2 times I get but it's unrelenting. It's like I'm in an ARPG that has every new area copy pasted from an old area.

The whole story is based around the subtle character progression of Frieren. The ... ever so subtle smiles after a warming moment. The first time was fine but it felt like they kept pushing for moments of situations where Frieren smiles ever so gently. Additionally, her chipperness and aloofness seem somewhat contradictory a lot of the time. Is she indifferent? Is she spending 1000 years going from aloof to warm? She seems to be aloof a lot of the time and then chipper and then aloof again. No one can love her. If the story remains the same, it's as though I'm watching a 5 year old's emotional state (5 year olds are more interesting than Frieren actually) and I'm meant to believe that just because they're an elf, they remain retarded for 1000s of years. It's the show of: "Everybody Loves Frieren" for no reason. Yeah she saved the world but she could EASILY have spent the past 200 years chasing after a single butterfly with not a worry and then spent the next 200 years chasing the same butterfly. Frieren is a tool of circumstance. Every choice was made for her in the story. She's just annoying.

The show is easy to watch - it's light but gets a little heavier toward the end and not heavier in the emotional sense - heavier in the bearability sense. It's watchable and enjoyable in the beginning. It's not even melancholy in the end - it's just nothing.