***Repost - original review (01/05/25) killed by guideline violation, but visible on my listed entry for the show***
Am I a fucking asshole or does this shit suck?
I suppose both can be true, but that doesn’t ease the sheer fatigue that enduring The Apothecary Diaries, fraught with truly horrendous flaws as it is, can bring upon a person.
From the response online, I’d anticipated a mature period piece; y’know, a historical drama with sprinklings of mystery tied together through investigations performed by an, if the internet is to be believed (which it obviously isn’t), exceptionally interesting and compelling protagonist... And I’m going to just have to start
...
assuming that anything released in the last ~5 years with a score of 8 or above on here is just flagrantly bullshit, because c’mon – utterly shallow and perfunctory character dynamics, a setting that’s not near as interesting as its potential should have it be, bogus mysteries and resolutions and a protagonist for which the label of “Mary Sue” has never been more fitting are, on a macro scale, just a small sampling of what leads The Apothecary Diaries to absolute ruin.
Starting off light, this show is not nearly as pretty as the internet would lead you to believe; the animation seldom reaches territory beyond basically just fine, and the character design (perhaps besides the unusual garb) is about as bog standard as it gets. The environments are maybe *a bit* more detailed than your standard anime, but how they’re realized is completely conventional. To make that make sense, I’ll point out that I’m talking about art DIRECTION, not style.
The art STYLE is basically a dime a dozen. Were it not for the show taking place in 15th century China (or at least some approximation), there wouldn’t be any sort of unique visual identity to speak of. How that’s all portrayed (the direction) is mind-numbingly uninspired. Seldom are the visuals used to elevate or enhance what’s being discussed; everything is terribly plainly shot. Even now, I’m struggling to recall any interesting or potentially probing shots – nothing’s communicated visually that isn’t arduously explained through dialogue. The entire composition of the show is flat, and thus watching it is often tremendously boring.
I wouldn’t usually go on for multiple paragraphs JUST about the art of a show, but I feel like what it's largely thought of as and what it actually IS couldn’t be any more in conflict. It’s shot flatly, the characters move like Half-Life 1 scientists and their designs are ordinary to the point of, I don’t know, me feeling it necessary to spend multiple sentences discussing it. The environments work, but they never inspired a sense of awe in me or anything. It’s not even like the looming red walls of the palace are used to convey anything on their own besides it just being what old Chinese palaces ACTUALLY looked like. In short, I was always annoyingly aware that I was watching a 2D show; the sense of dimensionality is severely lacking.
Truthfully, everything else wrong with the show (and there’s A LOT to cover there) stems from one thing and one thing alone: its protagonist, Maomao.
What a monstrous ego one must have to either write a self-insert protagonist like this, or to watch the show and earnestly relate to her. What could POSSIBLY be compelling about a character whose buffs are so great that they, time and again, negate ANY tension the story’s trying to build? Maomao’s a character whose mere presence necessitates the rest of the cast having to have the mental acuity of a steaming pile of dog shit. Maomao’s skills are so numerous, her reputation’s so grand, and her flaws are so non-existent that it’s almost offensive that the show ever tries to get me to care about her, let alone become seriously invested in what she does and what happens to her.
I’d liken her to an RPG character with maxed out stats, but I think comparing her to playing with developer tools enabled is more appropriate. Nobody is allowed to be smarter than Maomao - nobody is allowed to be better at ANYTHING than Maomao. Who the fuck is she to be inventing the tit job before numerous seasoned courtesans did, and with a flat chest and intact hymen? Before anybody thinks otherwise, Maomao is NOT a resourceful character – there’s never a conclusion she reaches that isn’t wildly speculative and insultingly quick. Her asspulling massive amounts of knowledge on subjects she hasn’t previously displayed experience in (and honestly just shouldn’t know anything about – she’s a fucking 15th century serf for goodness sake) is NOT how to write resourcefulness, improvisation, whatever.
Generally, good detective work (or at least *interesting to watch* detective work) involves more than a cursory glance at the crime scene and sees a good amount of twists and turns as the case evolves. The Apothecary Diaries, utterly inept as it is, lacks these things wholesale. It could be something that happened a hundred miles away that Maomao had no prior knowledge of, but she’ll always immediately jump to an absurd, and (of course) ALWAYS correct, conclusion based on next to no evidence.
When the precedent is set early on that the investigations are more performative than anything because Maomao is obviously ALWAYS going to get her man... Well, what the fuck should I give a shit? Her deductive abilities are like L, Columbo and Poirot on steroids, and she’s never emotionally invested in what she’s doing besides. It’s basically anti-drama; there’s no reason for me to care what happens next because the status quo is so obviously never going to be disrupted, and even if it was I’m afraid the show hasn't made me care enough about its characters and world to muster any emotion.
Hell hath no fury like a ludicrously poorly written anime protagonist. Should call Maomao “Dale Earnhardt” with how she’s intimidatin’ everyone. Seriously, she’s like 4ft nothing and effortlessly giving everybody the business. Colossally muscular soldiers, veteran prostitutes, her superiors – doesn’t matter, everybody better watch out when Maomao’s mad. Naturally, she shows no fear or trepidation when the time comes to mercilessly put someone (regardless of their position relative to her own) in their place. That’d be displaying weakness (i.e. HUMANITY) and, for reasons that escape me completely, it’s not a strategy the writer ever deigned to use.
Don't mistake my wanting Maomao to think and act like an *actual human being* as me just wanting every character in everything I watch to have severe emotional hang ups and massive insecurities; variety is the spice of life AND fiction. What I'm saying is that her egregious lack of flaws and introspection make it nigh on impossible for me to relate to/care about her. There's just nothing to be interested/invested in about a character who's effortlessly amazing at everything they do, feels no yearning/regret/shame/emotional imbalance whatsoever, is always correct, is lauded constantly by the rest of the cast ALWAYS and FOREVER, etc., etc. Did a kindergartener write her? Heaven forbid another character even so much as THINKS about disagreeing with some nonsense conjecture Maomao throws out into the world; from then on, they're invariably portrayed as being dangerously stupid and morally barren. It's sooooo boring.
There’s a scene early on where Maomao, in her oh so righteous defiance, open hand slaps and KNOCKS OUT one of the empress’ right-hand ladies for her incompetence. You think the woman she slapped ever tries to get revenge? Of course not, Maomao’s too scary :( You think Maomao faces any punitive measures? Of course not, she’s ALWAYS proven right and justified in her actions. You think Maomao ever reflects on and regrets what she’s done because although she was “correct” she handled it unprofessionally? If you think that’s what would happen, then I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.
This is not a character any sane person would honestly believe is interesting to watch. I can count on one hand how many actual “flaws” Maomao has in-universe, and that’s only because I can curl my fingers to look like a zero. There’s something to be said for aspirational characters; characters a viewer aspires to be like, but she’s even a terrible example of that.
Superman is an aspirational character too (assuming Maomao is actually meant to be aspirational – I just think the author’s a hack lacking in self-awareness), but he actually reflects on things he’s done and laments what he could’ve done differently. Self-doubt creeps into his mind the same way it does with you and I. There’s something to relate to there, even though his circumstances are far more exceptional than yours or mine. Maomao’s confidence (in anything) is never shaken and all of her flaws are self-inflicted.
Fellas, is choosing to be ugly relatable? No? People don’t feel like they choose to be ugly, but rather think of it as an affliction? Wild. Couldn’t be Maomao. Despite the fact that she’s beautiful in everyone’s eyes in-universe with or without her freckles, she chooses to put them on to lessen the chances of being abducted or raped. This shit drove me up a wall because:
1 – It didn’t fucking work. She gets abducted, like, 2 minutes into the first episode.
2 – How is this NOT offensive towards actual victims?
Because, what, people who aren’t conventionally attractive never face these things? Years of research contradict that, but go off I guess. Not like nuns, children, the elderly, men, and even fucking animals have ever been the victims of sexual assault.
It’s also at odds with her characterization otherwise. So you’re telling me Maomao, whose reaction to being kidnapped was no more intense than the mild irritation I experience when I’m told to pull the car around because my order in the McDonald’s drive thru is taking a little long, puts on fake freckles every morning to avoid that exact thing happening? One would think that if it’s a true, deeply held fear of hers, then her reaction to it ACTUALLY HAPPENING TO HER would be a little more than just, “Dang, ya got me. Shoulder shrug emoji."
The, like, ONE time Maomao actually fails something it’s bullshit. Jinshi (her superior, eunuch – it’s a whole thing) makes her take an exam for... something. I honestly can’t remember; I needed as much herb as Maomao was playing with to get through this shit. Anyway, she fails the test spectacularly. Now I, naively, thought this might lead to some strife within Maomao that’d have her questioning her abilities... I might be incapable of learning. Or I was just giving the show way more credit than it ever deserved. It doesn’t lead to her feeling self-doubt or anything because, “Why would you expect me to pass? It doesn’t have anything to do with my abilities.” I’m crashing out, man.
"Apologies, Maomao-sama, I didn't realize that this would be the one singular thing that you're arbitrarily NOT instantly amazing at. How foolish of me." It feels like being slapped twice in rapid succession. The assertion that this had nothing to do with her abilities is absurd; they're shown to be basically infinite. She goes from a simple toxicologist to homicide detective in the blink of an eye, so not being able to manage whatever menial bullshit Jinshi was having her do feels cheap as hell. Also, because this "doesn't have anything to do" with her skills and abilities, OF COURSE her confidence and competence isn't tested. Not like a character's ever been their most interesting when they face an intense trial or personal setback.
This is a very uncreative person’s idea of a well-written and intelligent character. She’s never limited by her own abilities, only a lack of resources and the morons surrounding her. One of those morons is the aforementioned Jinshi, who acts as an unwanted love interest. He’s a “eunuch”, and I put that in quotations because I never believed for a second that this dude didn’t have a dick.
Okay, so the way Maomao and Jinshi’s dynamic works is thus: Jinshi is the subject of considerable swooning from all of the other girls in the palace. He’s just soooooo dreamy, even in spite of the whole not-having-a-dick thing. The only girl he actually wants, however, is the emotionally vacant and standoffish Maomao. Maomao, despite being wanted by the single most desired man in the palace, doesn’t give a shit about him (the author insert here is frickin' killing me) and just wants to test poisons. That’s it, really.
Lest you think their relationship sees actual development, their feelings towards each other basically don’t change from the first episode to the last. Maomao never gets to properly “liking” Jinshi and Jinshi never takes the fucking hint. It’s a tiring dynamic that wasn’t at all worth committing to the screen.
So when you have an emotionally barren, near-clairvoyant super genius who’s never once bothered by anything anybody does or says to her, who barely seems to take joy in most of what she does and only does a lot of it because people she hates ask her to, then you probably shouldn’t be surprised when someone watching doesn’t care about or connect with her in any way. This all came to a head, for me, when she gets cracked with a bat and is sent flying down a flight of concrete stairs... only to just not register the pain and continue arguing with her attacker, who is made to step aside because NOBODY can beat Maomao’s facts and logic... How childish.
What was probably meant to have me concerned for her well-being, instead, led to me jumping out of my chair and shouting, “LET'S GOOOOOOOO!” Now, lest you think that’s overly callous, I’d like to remind you that I was never once swindled into believing in Maomao as a real person, let alone anything approaching a well-realized and sympathetic character. Listen, I can't ROOT for her if I can't RELATE to her and, being a human being with thoughts and feelings, I can't RELATE to her if she's never displayed as having anything even *remotely* resembling human emotion. God must've forgotten the human condition when he put this one together.
The entire climax (if you can even call it that, bleh) to her arc about finding out what really happened to her parents, in her own words, DOESN'T IMPACT HER EMOTIONALLY. She finds out the truth and just kind of goes, “Cool. In no way will this influence my thoughts, actions, or how I feel about literally anything, though. I don't care.” What an abortion of a protagonist. But what do I know? It's the 23rd highest-rated anime on this site. Fuck me.
Y’know, in a better show, Maomao not being emotionally affected or phased by ANYTHING would be a huge sore spot for her. It’d be treated as a massive character flaw, tantamount to sleepwalking through life. Not here, though. “I’m crushingly lonely and can’t let anyone into my heart, but I kinda just... don't care.” What an awesome way to endear your protagonist to viewers. Jeezus. Like, if someone puts a razor blade in my salad and my tongue finds it before my eyes do, I’m probably not going to be super jazzed to finish the rest of that salad. Maomao is the razor blade in this metaphor, and the salad is the show. I could also compare her to a cancer that’s running roughshod through someone’s body, destroying everything in its path and making it impossible to ever have fun.
I'm not at all unfamiliar with appreciating shallow characters in a shallow way - Z Broly is one of my favorite characters in fiction. Dumb motivation? Debatable. Cool as fuck looking with a super fun moveset and awesome one-liners? Still debatable, but I adore all that shit regardless. I think Maomao's a character who can only be appreciated in a similar way. Deep characterization that you can rewardingly analyze endlessly? Fuck no. Cutesy kawaii waifu (kawaifu, if you will) tendencies with a knack for snarky witticisms? Sure! I think that's all atrocious, but there's an audience for everything. The difference is that I'm not about to pretend like Z Broly's that much more than the physical manifestation of the concept of "HYPE".
Maomao, by my count, is an expert botanist, chemist, metallurgist, carpenter, doctor, toxicologist, florist, homicide detective, makeup artist, calligrapher, sex advice giver (despite being a virgin oh my god this show’s so fucking bad), and dancer. In WHAT UNIVERSE is this a believable skillset for a 15th century Chinese serf? With all that knowledge, you'd think her internal dialog would be a bit more interesting, but nah. “Wow. This room’s really hot. It must be because that stove’s been left on. I should turn the stove off, so that it's not so hot in here anymore” Like gee, what stunning insight. Writing like this is truly unparalleled in the medium. I love how it reveals NOTHING about her character and is as banal as humanly possible.
The show’s quest to make me give a hoot about ANY of the characters was doomed as soon as I saw that nobody was allowed to be intelligent, productive, or helpful except for Maomao. I mean, duh, right? If 95% of the cast just exists for Maomao to be snarky to and annoyed by, and they’re shit blisteringly stupid besides... Yeah. *fart noise*
Remember Dora the Explorer? Remember how she’d always ask for help to locate, like, a map or an island or whatever? I feel so enlightened knowing that none of it ever mattered. You see, with or without any input, her ass is always gonna find what she’s looking for. Linear entertainment! It’s a foregone conclusion that she and Boots will always get what they’re after, so why bother to be invested? For a reason BESIDES it being a children’s show, anyway.
The Apothecary Diaries is basically just that: kiddie baby corner. You’d have to have never consumed a fictional story to believe that anything’s going to significantly challenge Maomao after, like, episode 3. But it’s weird, then, that it covers topics like prostitution, rape, murder, etc., because covering such mature topics is totally at odds with how dogshit and immature the writing is.
Speaking to which, the main antagonist, Lakan, gets his own Disney animated movie sympathetic backstory to show you just why and how he came to be a complete bastard. He’s supposedly smart, but he does also agree to a game of Go that’s so obviously rigged against him that it’s shocking it wasn’t played for laughs. Also, I feel like most of his buildup as a villain was just him walking into a room, saying something weird and ominous, and then just walking out. Never cared about him or what he was up to.
A few miscellaneous things before I depart:
- In episode 10 there’s a pretty (unintentionally) funny scene where Maomao covers up most of her face to help somebody remember her quicker... despite that person already having seen Maomao’s full face before. This doesn’t make any goddamned sense.
- Maomao tries growing roses at some point and has to hurry baskets of them to a greenroom when it starts raining. She says something to the effect of, “Shame you can’t control the weather.” I’m disappointed she never tried to, seems like she probably could.
- Someone say “comedy”? This show is where comedy goes to die. It shares a sense of humor with Your Lie in April, meaning that it’s almost impressively unfunny. I’m not sure when slapstick, pseudo-chibi gags became the anime standard for comedy, but I’d really like to move past it. Sometimes Maomao is depicted like a cat for comedic effect. Because curiosity killed the cat and Maomao has a curious nature, I guess? I wish this cat would kill itself.
- At one point Maomao, seemingly, intimidates Jinshi via astral projection. Is she fucking 1998 Undertaker? The idea of Maomao intimidating ANYONE, let alone the soldiers and prostitutes she DOES intimidate in the show, is so fucking lame, dude.
- What could possibly be the message to take away? What did Maomao learn that could be applied to our lives? “Be good at everything and, uh, profit?”
Utterly baffled at the success of this show. Mediocre art and animation, limp and grating character dynamics, possibly the worst protagonist I’ve ever bore witness to in the medium, and a shockingly uninteresting and poorly plotted, uh, plot.
But, again, 23rd highest rated anime on this site. Outrageous. Sucks to have my “old man yells at clouds” moment before I’m even old enough to rent a car, but goodness gracious anime will never improve so long as shit like this is hailed as the second coming of Christ. Show this to any halfway respectable film buff (or anybody who took a creative writing course once in, like, 7th grade) and they will, rightfully, call it the piece of shit that it is. This show and its success are a testament to why weebs (myself included) aren't taken seriously. Let's all strive to be (and watch) better (shows).
So yeah, The Apothecary Diaries... Get off my lawn.
Feb 11, 2025
Kusuriya no Hitorigoto
(Anime)
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Not Recommended Funny 
***Repost - original review (01/05/25) killed by guideline violation, but visible on my listed entry for the show***
Am I a fucking asshole or does this shit suck? I suppose both can be true, but that doesn’t ease the sheer fatigue that enduring The Apothecary Diaries, fraught with truly horrendous flaws as it is, can bring upon a person. From the response online, I’d anticipated a mature period piece; y’know, a historical drama with sprinklings of mystery tied together through investigations performed by an, if the internet is to be believed (which it obviously isn’t), exceptionally interesting and compelling protagonist... And I’m going to just have to start ...
Reviewer’s Rating: 2
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Jun 12, 2024
Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann
(Anime)
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Not Recommended
This is the tale of a man who has felt clinically insane for the past week or so. Even after combing through numerous online forums and studying dozens of glowing reviews, he still cannot reconcile how Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is as revered as it is. To strengthen his grasp on reality, he feels the need to write an overwhelmingly negative review.
Yeah, I didn’t like Gurren Lagann. At all. Feel free to call me a slur on my profile. My curiosity was sparked when I happened upon a video essay about how Gurren Lagann “answers” Evangelion. With me adoring Eva, this being from the same ... studio (R.I.P. Gainax) and it seeming like it was going to tackle some of the same themes... Well, I was excited to say the least. My expectations seemed to be justified too, as I saw hordes of fans online claim that TTGL “changed my life” or “was integral to my growth as a person/artist/whatever.” I truly believed I was in for something transcendent... ...Instead, I received a story that was about on par with what I used to come up with for my Transformers when I was 9, a world so uninterested with its own lore that it’s borderline insulting, comedy that’s about as funny as hearing that your dog’s just been run over, characters that ran the gamut from just annoying to legitimately loathsome, and themes so broad, boisterous and disconnected from reality that you’d have to be a sociopath to genuinely connect with them. Spoilers ahead, I suppose. I feel like I can safely put the people reading this review into 2 categories: 1 – You also didn’t enjoy the show and are just looking for thoughts that align with your own. 2 – You love the show and are bewildered/angry that I very much don’t. For the former, you’re not alone! For the latter, go ahead and use the “confusing” button as a virtual middle finger. First, a few (the few) positives: The OP actually bangs, as do the eyecatches, and the mechs actually sometimes somewhat manage to look like something approaching “cool”... Alright, now for the rest. The entire visual design of the show is just incredibly lame to me. Maybe in another life I could come to appreciate Gurren Lagann’s chest piece just being a huge pair of sunglasses or find amusement in the mech whose tits are eyes, but it all feels like it’s trying way too hard. It’s like what the world’s least endearing 5 year-old would think is “awesome.” Then the smaller mechs, the “Gunmen,” all look like MODOK except somehow less cool. Then when these things finally get to fighting... Ooh boy. Picture Diebuster by way of Looney Tunes. It’s astounding that Gainax only managed to get WORSE at mecha action throughout the years. Forget the simple, but brutally effective and insanely cathartic action from Gunbuster. Never mind the heft and intensity that Evangelion brought. Disregard the sheer energy that FLCL had; it’s all gone. The mechs in TTGL move with almost no sense of weight and, barring a few exceptions, the fights completely lack any interesting choreography. Battles are largely decided by whoever can punch/drill the hardest, fire the flashiest beam, or scream the loudest. That’s one thing, but there’s also no sense of escalation to these fights – I’m serious. Sure, the SCALE obviously increases, but the climax FEELS no more loud, intense, or grand than a fight that happened 20 episodes prior. When every single battle is this exhausting, obnoxious, balls to the walls clash of titans then you shouldn’t be surprised when the ultra-mega super ACTUAL climax loses all of its weight. If an asspull is defined as “a hastily fabricated explanation or contrived plot twist,” then TTGL is guilty of asspullage x1000. This can be forgiven/overlooked in moderation, but tension evaporates when it happens as much as it does here. Unless this is literally the first piece of fiction you’ve ever consumed, there’s no reason why Simon and friends overcoming the present, seemingly insurmountable, obstacle should ever surprise you. Shit just happens because it needs to for the story to continue. After Simon and co. escape/overcome danger due to, essentially, divine intervention (A.K.A. the hand of the writer conspiring in their favor) the story, world, characters, and stakes become almost impossible to take seriously, much less become genuinely invested in. A lot of people say that you can’t take the show too seriously and that it’s best to just “turn off your brain and enjoy.” I think that’s a well-intentioned, but ultimately bullshit philosophy. Even if I’m not meant to take things “too seriously,” that doesn’t mean the show gets away with everything just being abject absurdity all the time. There still needs to be at least some sense of internal logic. Going back to the scenarios I’d come up with for my Transformers when I was a kid, I couldn’t imagine making a manuscript out of them and then refuting any criticism like “this doesn’t make any fucking sense” with a “WEll iT’s NoT SuPPoSEd tO!” FLCL also “doesn’t make any sense” to a lot of people. The difference is that FLCL’s tongue in cheek all the way through. TTGL, despite what a lot of people say, wants to be taken at least PARTIALLY serious. This makes the overall tone and mood feel, at best, schizophrenic and, at worst, incredibly irritating. Without fail, there’s always a cutaway during a huge important battle to some fucking dickheads on Gurren Lagann’s command deck doing/saying some painfully unfunny things. I’m not saying that TTGL needed to be totally grounded, and I don’t think it needed to be a total piss-take like FLCL either. What I am saying is that it needed to not be both at the SAME time, ALL the time. Before you think I’m overexaggerating, think about how this presentation affects the characters/themes. I totally get Shinji NOT wanting to pilot an Eva, because the Angels are legitimately horrifying and facing them is always portrayed as an ultra-violent, chaotic, and extremely dangerous affair. Fuck that. The few times Simon’s scared to pilot Gurren Lagann though? Well, maybe I’d buy it/care if the fighting wasn’t always such a cartoonish spectacle. Imagine Elmer Fudd being legitimately scared of Bugs Bunny and it NOT being played for laughs. Speaking of Simon... I wouldn’t say he’s a bad protagonist necessarily, but he’s about as bog-standard of a “HOO-RAH! I WILL WIN! I FIGHT FOR ALL THAT’S GOOD!” anime MC as you can get. He has just enough of an arc for it to COUNT as “character development,” but I’d never say it was all that compelling. He goes from “kind of a wimp” to basically Kamina 2.0, which is fine. I guess. 5/10. I fucking abhor Kamina though. Think of the most obnoxious motivational speaker you can imagine, replace all of their more practical advice with “manliness” laden nonsense, and give them some tragic 2000s tribal tattoos and boom, you’ve got Kamina. He’s like if a Woody doll, when you pulled the string on his back, instead of saying something mildly Western-themed and amusing, just yelled “GRIT THOSE TEETH!” “WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!” “BELIEVE IN THE ME THAT BELIEVES IN YOU!” Utter nonsense. He was never not annoying as fuck to me and I’m glad he’s dead. Yoko’s just there for the pointless fan service, Rossiu has, like, REVERSE development for dumb reasons, Nia’s basically Rei Ayanami but twice as clueless and a fraction as interesting, and then there’s the rest of the ensemble who aren’t even worth describing. A bunch of them are killed just prior to the endgame and it’s hilarious that the show thought their deaths would extract any emotion out of me. Alright, now to talk about the themes. Going back to how this supposedly “answers” Evangelion, I think about it like this: The theme of Evangelion, crudely put, is “nooo don’t kill yourself your so sexy aha.” The theme of Gurren Lagann, put a little less crudely, is “believe in yourself (or the me that believes in you whatever) and you can accomplish anything.” Now, despite how I presented that, both messages are rooted in a love for humanity and our ability to overcome the obstacles put in our way. Eva gets this across by showing you the depths of human suffering, numerous compelling and relatable reasons as to WHY a lot of people experience said suffering, how we can open up pathways to overcome that suffering, and, ultimately, the beauty of learning to love yourself so that you can establish meaningful and fulfilling connections with others. Despite all the bad, as Yui says in End of Evangelion: “Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.” With that, Gurren Lagann “answers” Evangelion in the same way that a crippling meth addiction “answers” obesity. Whereas Eva’s message felt sage, empathetic, and grounded, TTGL’s thematic messaging feels reckless, shallow, and dangerously divorced from reality. If you think “just be happy” is genuinely good advice for a person in the throes of grief or depression, then I imagine you love TTGL and think it’s “peak.” I don’t like to impose anything upon people who like something I don’t or vice versa, genuinely, but I’m truly baffled as to how people think TTGL’s message is anything deeper/worth more analysis than the “Hang in there!” cat poster that adorned many a cubicle wall in the 2000s. A common thread I see is that people love TTGL’s portrayal of “humanity.” Say what you will about Eva, if you thought it was too dour or whatever, but at least it displayed a wide array of human emotions and sensations in order to get the message across that humanity and our connections to one another are invaluable. TTGL is about as representative of “humanity” as professional porn is of sex. My point is, it’s not all just beautiful people with crazy proportions going at it in spectacular and ridiculous positions. Ugly people fuck too. Sometimes sex is uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s a messy and unfulfilling affair. Gurren Lagann only represents the “best” of humanity - our sexiest qualities; our fighting spirit (spirals anyone?), our ability to overcome seemingly unconquerable foes, our ability to work together for the greater good, etc. Therefore, any attempt at a commentary on “humanity” as a whole just feels false and hollow. It's easy to cherry pick our best attributes and ignore the rest, but that only really leaves you with half of the picture. Let’s bring it back to reality for a moment. “Kick logic out the window and do the impossible!” You know why that always works for Simon? Because he has a bunch of writers making SURE it always works. Any harebrained and suicidally brazen scheme he has, no matter HOW poorly considered, will go off without a hitch because the universe will always contrive a scenario in which it has to. This reasoning, in real life, if you’re sane, will get you killed. Or, and bear with me on this one, will lead to a successful Presidential campaign. Seriously, former President and current felon Donald Trump used that same type of thinking to get to the White House. He, like Kamina, thought/thinks that life can just be brute forced. How privileged, right? I know it’s supposed to be taken more like “fight for your dreams and never give up,” but it seems like no consideration was ever given to HOW this message was put across. TTGL gains nothing by being so reductive. I don’t want to sound like I’m against optimism as a concept, because I’m not. It’s just that “KICK LOGIC OUT AND DO THE IMPOSSIBLE!” is so broad as a concept, and truly applicable to so few things in reality, that it loses potency as a message. Nice for Simon to parrot that from Kamina when the universe itself seems to be actively fighting in his corner. “Fools rush in” is a common idiom for a reason. Contrary to what TTGL tells you, it’s better to think things through and carefully consider all of your options. A tactical retreat, so you can live to fight another day, is sometimes best. It's pointless, though, because the characters in Gurren Lagann seldom truly struggle. I’ve struggled more on the toilet than Simon did killing God. Fuck, dude, Dragon Ball is infinitely better at getting the “never give up” mentality across because Goku and co. actually STRUGGLE for wins. They train their asses off and lose sometimes, sure, but those losses only make the eventual triumph sweeter. It’s not impactful when, for the hundredth time, Simon LITERALLY JUST WILLS HIS WAY TO WINNING. I GET WHAT YOU’RE SAYING GURREN LAGANN, BUT IT’S SO LAME. Humanity combining their energy/willpower to defeat a universal threat? Been there, Spirit Bombed that. Another thing, you know how in Dragon Ball they’ll constantly use the Dragon Balls to bring back fallen comrades/civilian casualties/the Earth? Because obviously you would, they died prematurely and unjustly. Gurren Lagann’s writing sucks so hard that they had to contrive a (self-inflicted) reason for Simon, who possesses power equivalent to, if not greater than, the Dragon Balls, to experience loss. You know what’d be crazy? If you had the choice to bring back the victims of, like, 9/11 or something and just didn’t because you don’t want to mess with “fate.” I feel like a lot of people, myself included, would rightly ask what the fuck your problem was. Simon, dude, Nia didn’t die of old age you fucking moron; she had plenty of life left to live. Oh, you don’t want to play God? Didn’t you just KILL him? Fucking whatever, man. What an absolute chore to watch. Stupid looking mechs, shallow and irritating characters, a story so filled with holes that Flex Seal couldn’t fix it, “humor” I couldn’t find funny if you paid/jerked me off to, battles that were more sleep-inducing than electrifying, and themes that feel like they came from a mind to which the phrase “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” sounds like genuinely constructive advice and NOT a sarcastic colloquialism. There is not a single front on which I feel TTGL did ANYTHING well, least of all “exceptional” or “hype” or “peak.” Some miscellaneous thoughts: - Nia is literally what Rei was created to hazard against. The subservient “doll” girlfriend is not a healthy or attainable thing - except for here of course, where Simon just adores her and it’s actually totally normal. - If your own characters are bored by a mission briefing, why include the mission briefing at all? - The first half of the series ends like it forgot they had another 12 episodes to go. Pacing is turbo fucked. - Genuinely laughable that people consider this to be a deconstruction of the mecha genre. If anything it’s a deconstruction of a deconstruction, which means it just circles back around to being generic. Scores: Art (5/10) Music (5/10) Characters (1/10) Story (2/10) Objective (2/10) Subjective (1/10) Just watch Gunbuster and Diebuster - they’re this but good (Diebuster less so). Hell, Darling in the FranXX is better than this drivel.
Reviewer’s Rating: 1
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May 4, 2024
Boku no Kokoro no Yabai Yatsu
(Anime)
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Not Recommended
Word of the day: Stammer.
Now let’s use it in a sentence: “I wish Kyoutarou Ichikawa from The Dangers in My Heart wouldn’t stammer so goddamn much.” Dangers is a show I dislike more for its modus operandi than its objective. Put plainly, HOW it does what it does is more irksome than WHAT it’s trying to do. The base premise of a lonely boy learning to love and open himself up to others is fine, but the journey he takes to get there is just so loud, predictable and trite that I couldn’t get attached. The show is often praised as “realistic” and I find ... that notion simply laughable. There’s exactly one aspect of the show that I found even vaguely realistic and it was Ichikawa’s thought process, mostly in relation to how he feels about Yamada (the love interest) and how he thinks she feels about him. We learn pretty early on that him wanting to “murder” Yamada is more of a coping/defense mechanism than a genuine desire and that he’s dealing with a lot of self-esteem issues. I like when this manifests itself through Ichikawa being timid, avoidant and unsure of himself, but more often than not it’s portrayed solely by him stammering his way through interactions with others. I don’t know that I’ve ever been more annoyed by a cast of characters in my life. Not so much because of their actions, more so because most of them are unnecessarily loud and have incredibly shrill and irritating voices. I ended up watching the dub, but flirted with the sub until I realized it was just as grating. None of this is helped by Ichikawa’s frequent internal monologues and interjections. Let me walk you through how Dangers structures one of its, like, two jokes. Yamada is the definition of an airhead, so she frequently does stuff that baffles Ichikawa. One of her quirks is that she’s (almost) never without candy, so she’ll sometimes dump a jar’s worth out of her pockets to eat at inappropriate times. That’s the set up. The punchline is almost always Ichikawa screaming (internally) about how absurd Yamada’s being. And that’s pretty much it. It wasn’t especially funny the first time it happened and it gets severely less funny the more the show does it. Speaking of Ichikawa’s monologues though, when they’re not being used as the punchline to a painfully unfunny joke about Yamada’s lack of social grace, they’re the essence of insipid. Bro just doesn’t have interesting thoughts. He either just recaps what we’ve already seen or meditates on his burgeoning feelings for Yamada – which are usually already obvious. Ichikawa gets like 5 points for being an accurate portrayal of a boy with confidence issues and -50 for being a shrill, overthinking twerp. Yamada fairs no better; she’s paper thin (character-wise, physically she looks like 2 watermelons tied to the top of a flagpole). I feel like she’s a bunch of quirks in a trench coat parading around as a fully realized character. She loves candy and Ichikawa, she models and acts and she’s ditzy to a “comical” degree, but I feel like I never got a sense of an actual, real character beyond all that. She likes Ichikawa, ostensibly, because he’s not like the other boys (i.e. not blatantly trying to fuck her). However, before long, my suspension of disbelief was pushed to its breaking point because, aside from one kind of cute interaction at the end of the first episode, I just don’t see what Yamada sees in Ichikawa to relentlessly pursue him like she does. I get it, Professor. Yamada sees who Ichikawa really is, accepts him for it and everyone lives happily ever after. That works thematically, sure, but in a practical sense I just don’t buy her feelings. Ichikawa, due to the self-esteem issues I mentioned before, has trouble connecting with others. Yamada, the angel she’s portrayed as being, however, cuts through all of those issues with the patience of a saint and the understanding of a trained psychologist (okay, slight exaggeration but you get my point). The word “incel” has pretty much lost all meaning, but a lot of Dangers does play out like the world’s most stereotypical “incel” fantasy. Ichikawa just happens to find the school’s most desirable girl wrapped around his finger basically by showing the bare minimum amount of kindness and personality. She’s not offput by his downer demeanor or morbid interests and is exceedingly patient with him missing her cues and acting like an asshole at times. This can, no doubt, be approached from a lot of different angles. It’s absolutely important to find someone who likes you for you, warts and all. I don’t think that’s a bad message to try and impart, but Dangers reads almost like total wish fulfilment when it comes down to it. There’s a kind of half-assed thread of Ichikawa coming to love himself because he realizes it’s important to do that before entering a proper relationship. He thanks Yamada for helping him come to this epiphany, but she waves away any responsibility on her part and says that it was all his own doing. Nice sentiment, but blatantly untrue. For all intents and purposes, he was dependent on her to help him realize that he’s worthy of love. Ichikawa’s backstory is also really quite tame for what he ends up becoming. For his issues, I was expecting some serious trauma, but it essentially boils down to not getting into a really prestigious school and being picked on for liking true crime. I can understand him becoming a bit of a loner but for him to become, essentially, a shithead edge lord Shinji Ikari with a fraction of the personal drama feels ridiculous. While the show kind of drags its feet with the “will Ichikawa and Yamada realize their feelings for one another?”, it goes out of its way to put them into some ridiculously contrived scenarios meant to push their personal physical boundaries. We’ve got one scene where a teacher finds them and it looks like Ichikawa just blew his load on Yamada’s face and chest (it’s actually a milkshake or something), another where Yamada sits, legs open, right in front of Ichikawa in a cramped janitor’s closet and, my favorite, a scene where Yamada pulls Ichikawa into a dressing room at a clothing store to avoid scrutiny from his sister. I suppose my brain just isn’t rotted enough to find these scenarios as endearing or as funny as I’m supposed to. Great, her tits are right up in your face. Again. What a surprise. Whatever. It especially doesn’t help when the payoff’s the same every time. Ichikawa gets super flustered, usually pitches a tent and they both awkwardly stammer their way out of the situation. By the millionth time it happens, I’m sick of them being so nervous. They hold hands a few times throughout, and Ichikawa’s reaction is the exact same combination of embarrassment and arousal every time. It’s tiring. I’m genuinely happy for you if you like this show, and I don’t mean that in a backhanded way. Some people like having their nuts stomped on and some people like working a 9-5. That’s all valid. For myself, however, there’s just not enough justifying Ichikawa and Yamada’s unlikely situationship. I don’t buy her pursuing him and I don’t buy his backstory having as catastrophic of an impact as it does. Beyond that, they’re SO loud and the situations they find themselves in, while they’re intended to be humorous, mostly left me rolling my eyes. Scores: Art (5/10) Music (4/10) Characters (3/10) Story (4/10) Objective (4/10) Subjective (3/10) A lot of people like this show, and it’s not totally without merit. There are, infrequently, some genuinely cute moments between the two leads and I still maintain that, while dramatized in a weird way due to his backstory, Ichikawa’s internal thought process is generally well-realized. Otherwise, The Dangers in My Heart struck me as just contrived, unfunny and loud wish fulfillment.
Reviewer’s Rating: 3
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Mar 7, 2024
Clannad: After Story
(Anime)
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Not Recommended Funny
What is this? Is this anything?
Clannad: After Story is the anime equivalent to watching a YouTube video titled something like “Sad animal videos to make you cry - Part 6”. Is what I’m watching “sad”? In the most basic sense, yes. Does it in any way rely upon a particular connection to the characters/animals involved? No. It relies upon a sense of sympathy/empathy that most people just instinctually have. Clannad: After Story is, to borrow a phrase, all fart and no shit. To accuse a piece of fiction of being “emotionally manipulative” feels strange; most, if not all, art falls under this umbrella. Of course any ... given movie/show/book/song/whatever is attempting to instill within you a certain emotion. Whether or not it succeeds in that, however, has to do with subtlety, pacing, tactfulness, and a ton of other factors that a writer (and their team) should carefully consider and balance. At no point in my viewing experience did the writing in Clannad (either season) feel carefully considered or balanced in the slightest. I found Clannad (S1) to be thoroughly uninteresting. It was essentially impossible for me to care about its boring world, one-dimensional characters, and contrived drama. Adding to that, the humor was about as funny as being told that I have terminal cancer and the supernatural elements were so awkwardly implemented that it led to more confusion about the rules of the world than suspended whimsy. Still, I persisted because the light at the end of the tunnel (After Story) was promised by hordes of anime fans to be complete and ethereal salvation. And I swear to God if I keep falling for this shit... Clannad: After Story is better than Clannad (S1) in the sense that being kicked in the balls is less painful than having all your teeth pulled; both are still thoroughly unpleasant experiences, but at least one doesn’t leave you permanently disfigured. The worst fucking metaphor I’ve ever come up with aside, I will give After Story (AS from here on out) some credit for at least trying to be ABOUT something. Sure, S1 was about Tomoya and Nagisa starting up the drama club and their relationship, but most of what actually transpired was just a bunch of dumbass kids awkwardly bumbling around. S1 was, essentially, a harem that was too scared to call itself such. AS tries to strengthen its focus and be more mature. Does it succeed? Relative to S1, yes it does. AS is more “mature” than its predecessor. It focuses on more serious subjects and has slightly more of an edge. In the wider world of fiction, however, it’s more like the difference in maturity between a 10 year-old and a 15 year-old. Nobody in their right mind would describe it as “mature” except for in relation to S1. To illustrate my point, newlyweds Tomoya and Nagisa are shown to be borderline nervous to hold each other’s hands. In their own apartment. In front of nobody. The subject of them having sex is broached more as though they just figured out how to roll a condom onto a banana than that they’re both high school graduates living together alone. When AS cuts that nonsense out and focuses unabashedly on Tomoya’s struggles with acclimating to his job and adult life in general, it really shines (at least in comparison to what S1 and the first half of AS were doing). As compelling as THAT is though, I’d still never really think to call Tomoya (or any of the other characters) anything close to compelling, interesting, or likable on their own. Or even together, actually. Tomoya in S1 was almost unbearable for me. His only real character flaw was that he was a “delinquent”. As much as he slacked off academically, though, he still found the time to help a gaggle of girls out with all of their personal issues, offer his services and time selflessly to an insane degree, and act heroically in the face of any and all threats. Outside of Optimus Prime, Captain America, and maybe Goku, the whole “my only flaw is my devotion to others and unfettered heroism” is a super boring and often times annoying archetype to me. Being “too good” is not compelling or relatable 9/10 times. Fortunately, AS does go out of its way to shit all over Tomoya and knock him down a few pegs and, as a result, the situations he finds himself in become more interesting. The same can not be said for the rest of the characters, who remain thoroughly whelming in every facet. Am I honestly supposed to care about Nagisa? Why? Her personality is just so aggressively nothing. She’s earnest, shy, naïve, and just so moe, but whatever. Outside of S1 stuff related to the drama club, she doesn’t want anything or have any ambition. That’s actually one of my biggest issues with AS as a whole; nobody wants anything aside from stuff they’re given or already have. What does Tomoya want? To be with Nagisa, of course. Okay, well he already has her, so what else is there? He wants to keep her, obviously. But Nagisa seems almost incapable of independent thought, so I don’t think her leaving him of her own accord is a situation to be fearful of. What does he want outside of the relationship? To just work wherever and be wherever? How interesting. Certainly I wouldn’t fault anybody in real life for being this way, but characters in fiction kind of have an obligation to be interesting to watch. The ones featured in Clannad seldom are. They neither come from the dirt and aspire to normalcy or start at normalcy and aspire to greatness. They start at normalcy and just kind of stay there. This all comes to a head when a certain *thing* happens. I won’t spoil it, but if you even halfway pay attention to the OP it should be obvious (genuinely, even as someone who went spoiler-free the whole way through, I called it immediately). This *thing* changes the trajectory of Tomoya’s life until it doesn’t but I’ll get to that. Point is, this *thing* could have been easily avoided if these empty-headed idiots heeded even the most basic of warnings they had been given. That’s the impression I got, anyway. I understand the themes of “the importance of family” and “the value of overcoming adversity and finding something to live for” as trite as they are, but would they not be more impactful if the characters actually, y’know, fought for something? They mostly just roll with the punches in a terribly blasé way. It’s just a series of things happening to them and them reacting in either a supremely uninteresting or insanely saccharine manner. The *thing* I mentioned eventually gets reversed and, with it, the themes collapse in on themselves spectacularly. It would be one thing if it felt like something we’d been working towards for the duration of the show, and ostensibly there are, like, barely hints that *something* will happen, but it’s not really enough. The *thing* doesn’t get reversed because the characters work towards it, though, it just... happens. It might as well have been a dream. Sure, it dictates how Tomoya approaches life, but it’s not all that different from how he would’ve without the *thing* happening in the first place. There’s no sacrifice and there’s not even any real compromise – things just suck to make you cry and then they don’t because the showrunners wanted to hit a certain tone. This next metaphor probably only serves to showcase how terminally online I am, but here goes... Y’all know the “Chad” meme? Of course you do, but do you also know the one where it’s the male and female “Chads” and it’s really pushing “traditional living” and stereotypical gender roles? The dude says something like “My only purpose is to provide for my wife and child” and the wife says “And my only purpose is to take care of the house and children while you’re out providing” or whatever? That’s all Tomoya and Nagisa feel like at the end of the day. That’s all it feels like Clannad has to say and it does it with a hilarious amount of earnestness and an equally hilarious lack of self-awareness. I don’t know, I just cannot fathom how this is the 16th highest rated anime on this site. That’s higher than anything Ghibli, Your Name., Cowboy Bebop, anything Evangelion, Wolf Children, anything Satoshi Kon ever made, etc. It’s astounding. But it looks nice I guess, and the music’s nice. Whatever. Nagisa and most of the female characters look more like what I’d find under a rock in my yard than any human being, but whatever. Most anime characters look like cats, so why not have them look like praying mantises? Certainly not the worst show I’ve ever seen, but it’s just utterly unsurprising and unchallenging. Not that something being “challenging” is synonymous with quality, but when the characters are this flat, the drama is this poorly plotted, the story is this obvious (aside from the ridonkulous ending), and the emotions I’m intended to feel are this plain and unsubstantiated... Eh? I’m not a particularly unemotional guy (I’ve cried like a bitch at stuff like Anohana and Wolf Children) so when you’re showing me an “emotional” moment and I’m either laughing my ass off or my face resembles Squidward’s house, you’ve done fucked up. Scores: Art (7/10) Music (6/10) Characters (3/10) Story (2/10) Objective (4/10) Subjective (4/10) If nothing else, Clannad is proof that you can accomplish your wildest dreams. If somebody’s still paying Jun Maeda to write garbage, then by golly, the sky’s the limit for us.
Reviewer’s Rating: 4
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Feb 2, 2024
Top wo Nerae! Gunbuster
(Anime)
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Recommended
The Prebuild of Evangelion.
On a serious note, however, Gunbuster’s merit lies in much more than just being the foundation from which Gainax would build most of their later (and more successful) properties off of. It’s a testament to just how talented Anno and crew were that what could have easily turned out to be just a jumbled mess of ideas instead became, what I would consider, something truly greater than the sum of its parts (and those parts aren’t even really bad on their own). We follow Noriko Takaya who, unlike a later protagonist, DOES want to get in the robot. Her goal at the beginning ... of the series is to follow in her father’s footsteps and become a space pilot. As easy a storytelling method as it is, the series does effectively get us (well, me at any rate) to sympathize with and care about Noriko simply by showing her to be at the absolute bottom of the social totem pole. She’s bad at piloting the mechs, her upperclassmen bully her, and she has a dead/not dead space dad (think of it like Schrödinger's cat). From the beginning of the series, which is a mech-flavored parody of a tennis manga, all the way to the end, when things become properly Gainax-y, Noriko remains likeable and compelling. As much as she has faults, they never manifest themselves through malicious actions or thoughts; she’s just a scared kid with a (maybe abnormally) pure moral compass. Her being overwhelmed piloting her mech is portrayed to great effect, as is the personal turmoil she experiences as a result of that... To an extent. While the series is more character-driven than plot-driven (the focus is more on Noriko and friends than the constant intergalactic warfare), I guess due to the format (6 episode OVA) there’s a lot of Noriko’s personal strife and development that can be seen as half-baked. For instance, in the middle of the series there’s a character that is introduced in an episode and then, before that episode’s even over, swiftly discarded. While they had a significant impact on Noriko and are important for her development, they have (and this is a guesstimate) probably a total of 5 minutes of screen time. Still, it works. Not necessarily because I gave a shit what happened to that character, but because I totally buy the effect they/what happened had on Noriko. Gunbuster is the ultimate “the ends justify the means” as far as anime goes in that sense. I believe the series, while it was never at any point bad by any means, only becomes truly exceptional in its later half. It’s another thing Eva arguably borrowed. While both series have hints early on of what they’ll actually become by their end points (for this, Noriko’s sense of duty and the time dilation she experiences and for Eva, Shinji’s sense of self-worth and confronting reality), Gunbuster’s transition is notably less smooth. Despite this, it’s really tough to knock the show for it. The series is compelling all the way through and I think most of the faults are a time issue rather than a writing issue. Just like how you could argue Eva becomes a “different show” after episode 16 or 19 or whatever, I would argue that Gunbuster becomes a “different show” after episode 4, when Noriko pilots Gunbuster for the first time. From this point onwards, Anno’s presence as director and writer is significantly more noticeable (not that it wasn’t at all before; “Jung Freud” isn’t as clever a character name as he probably thought it was). Unfortunately, I can’t really write about what that entails as it gets into huge spoiler territory, but I guess I’d say that it’s when the previously hinted at themes/concepts really blossom, the characters beautifully complete their arcs, and the story takes a few really inventive turns (if you can call them that). That being said, the last few episodes, and their effectiveness, largely rely on if you’re willing to come along for the ride the show takes you on (no matter where it goes) and if you at all connect with Noriko. That’s not to say that if you’re NOT on the same wavelengths as the show that you’re, like, wrong or anything. What Gunbuster starts as and what it ends as are two totally different things. I really enjoyed what it did and how it unfolded, but it’s not crazy for me to imagine that others might feel swindled by the change of tone. Even with that “change of tone”, the series is 1980s to its fucking bones all the way through. Mechs aren’t slim, athletic war machines yet. They’re still really bulky and slow and awkward. Characters are colorful and shiny and have eyes a quarter of the size of their entire face. The innards of the mechs are a bunch of levers and buttons and mechanical dials. This isn’t a knock on the series at all, mind you. In fact, I love how it looks. The art and animation is phenomenal. If you go in expecting it to look like anything other than a 1980s anime though, you might be disappointed. Unless you have horrendous taste, however, it’s impossible to dislike the music. It, like the rest of the production, is disgustingly 1980s. Copious synths, whining electric guitars, horns, whatever. The music fucks. In conclusion, Gunbuster is great. If you’re a fan of Gainax’s other mech shows (or mech shows in general I would think) then you kind of owe it to yourself to check it out if you haven’t yet. It’s far from perfect, but the occasional missteps with some plot points appearing/vanishing are counterbalanced with a super likable protagonist, compelling character dynamics, concepts explored beautifully, and a ton of heart. Scores: Art (8/10) Music (9/10) Characters (8/10) Story (7/10) Objective (7/10) Subjective (8/10) I just really vibe with this show. Its faults, though one could argue are numerous, are far from damning. The story, while a bit unfocused, is generally told well. The characters, for as much as they’re the prototypes for other characters in later shows, are compelling and super easy to root for. The concepts and themes explored, though not as complex as in Anno’s later works, are incredibly thought-provoking. A really good time all around.
Reviewer’s Rating: 8
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Jan 20, 2024
Bakemonogatari
(Anime)
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Not Recommended Funny
Maybe Miyazaki was right. Maybe anime was a mistake.
I know he didn't technically say that - shut up. Bakemonogatari, huh? I implore somebody to explain the appeal of this show to me without resorting to one of these three talking points: 1) "You just didn't understand it." I like to think I'm more media-savvy than most yayhoos you could pull off the street, and I don't think Bake was just some unfathomably deep show that a mere peon like me couldn't begin to properly comprehend. The fervor I've seen surrounding this show reminds me of when Rick and Morty's popularity was at its peak. "To be ... fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Bakemonogatari..." 2) "A Westerner wouldn't understand the wordplay." Honestly, fair enough. I wouldn't. Though, as much a dumb Yank as I am, not understanding that something Koyomi said has a different/dual meaning depending on if it's written in Kanji or Hiragana shouldn't be enough to torpedo any enjoyment I could potentially find in the show. Also, imagine this in reverse. Imagine an American show relied so much on "witty" wordplay that it was considered impossible to translate effectively to an Asian market. Perhaps the majority is different, but I couldn't imagine holding that over some Japanese dude's head and telling him that, effectively, he's dumb for not getting it. Especially when a majority of his gripes aren't with the wordplay. 3) "It's not what you wanted it to be." Looking at Bake's tags on MAL, I'm told that it's three primary genres are "Mystery", "Romance", and "Supernatural". Simply put, the mysteries aren't compelling, the romance is abysmal and the supernatural elements left me, at best, whelmed. I feel like, on a basic level, Bakemonogatari simply (and severely) misunderstands what it even is. I think words are great. I’m using them to write this review to you right now. I use them in my everyday life to describe sensations, emotions, communicate outside events, make requests, tell jokes, etc. The power of the spoken (or written in this case but whatever) word is a truly beautiful thing. With that, Bakemonogatari has too many fucking words. I know the Monogatari series is adapted from a series of novels, but even this isn’t how most literature works. People DO stuff in books. It’s not just two characters sat on opposite sides of a room talking at each other. This is how Bake feels, though. There is seldom an unexpressed though in this show. Almost nothing is left up to interpretation, which is odd considering how much I see people describe this as something you have to pay the utmost attention to or else you’ll be totally lost. Yeah, you do have to read a fuck ton, (assuming you’re not fluent in Japanese) but characters arduously spell out motivations and themes all the time. You really don’t have to do much digging. Bear with me because this next metaphor is tortuous and probably poorly thought out (kind of like the show). Chris Benoit’s 400th concussion probably didn’t have the same effect that his first did. After performing the diving headbutt for the 10,000th time, it probably all blurred together in a cranium-contained soup. That’s what the dialogue felt like in Bakemonogatari, akin to suffering numerous traumatic head injuries. That’s just the effect it had on me, though. As part of the bigger picture, each line (no matter the importance) might as well have been a drop of cum in the ocean for all it mattered. At the end of episode 5 there’s a pretty big reveal concerning a main character and it had, no joke, literally no effect on me because it was conveyed almost solely through dialogue. The intended reaction was likely shock, but I just couldn’t be bothered. Most of Bakemonogatari is characters standing in a (somewhat) visually interesting liminal space talking to each other about, effectively, nothing. The more the characters talk, the less their words mean, and this phenomenon is observable by the second. Speaking of the environments though, they’re interesting for all of 5 minutes. Then the horror sinks in as you realize you’ll be staring at the same fucking playground equipment/classroom/bus stop for the next episode and a half. 12 Angry Men this isn’t. The height of Bake’s cinematography ambitions is frequent extreme close ups on the characters faces and reusing the same establishing shot 37 times an episode. Before long, I knew not to get excited when something interesting happened because it was bound to be fleeting. The show does play with its visuals in some interesting ways though. Live action cutouts with cool 3D graphics laid over them are sometimes a welcome change, but I feel it’s ultimately distracting from proceedings more than enhancing them most of the time. Instead of just, I don’t know, animating the main characters doing interesting things (or changing the scenery up more than once per 3 episodes) to keep our eyes entertained while they drone on endlessly about fucking nothing, the show cuts to some abstract rendering of their feelings that’s usually accompanied by an incredibly obnoxious sound effect. The show also has this stupid ass gimmick where, dozens of times an episode, a black or red or gray frame with some Kanji character will pop up with a stupid ass sound effect to...? Apparently it’s to convey some character’s emotion. Okay. What a dumbass way to do that. Adding to that, there’s a bunch of times where, for a single frame, a wall of text will show up. Why? If I have to pause to read it, that ruins immersion and pacing and if I don’t I feel like I’m missing out on information. It’s a lose/lose situation. Bakemonogatari feels like someone who’s only read books (no, plays) and has never seen a movie/TV show attempted to direct an anime, and every once in a while their drink would be spiked with PCP. It also feels like that person has never once interacted with another human being. The relationships in this show are underwhelming on an almost primal level (I don’t know what that means either). Koyomi and Senjougahara’s relationship simply isn’t compelling. She’s a tsundere and he’s basically a decent guy (not fucking really but I’ll get to that), so we’re really breaking new creative ground with this pairing as you can see. She bullies him, threatens him physically and belittles him at every chance she gets. He almost cheats on her in nearly every episode. I almost thought the show would do something with this, obviously, being a relationship born NOT out of any genuine connection, but instead out of trauma (Senjougahara) and apathy (Koyomi) but, alas, I was being too kind. It’s played entirely at face value. Anytime Koyomi said he loved Senjougahara, I’d think to myself “BUT DO YOU THOUGH?” One of the running gags is literally just (ironic???) pedophilia. Anytime Koyomi sees this little girl, Hachikuji, he makes a big show of fondling her chest and trying to get a look at her panties. I’m not usually one to saddle up on my moral high horse, but seeing people in threads describe these scenes with words like “lolled at the beginning with the loli groping ^^ haha that lucky bastard” and “Araragi abusing Hachikuji was the best part” AND “Hachikuji getting rape in the beginning was lol”. Essentially, if this is what people who enjoyed the show are saying... I don’t know, maybe as a society we should rethink bullying. And what’s the point of these scenes anyway? Koyomi never receives any substantial punishment as a result of these scenes, so as a condemnation of pedophilia it’s nothing. Is it literally just for a laugh? If we’re supposed to buy Koyomi and Senjougahara as a healthy, loving couple then why does he nearly cheat on her in every episode and why does she never get over her tsundere tendencies? Why does this show not take advantage (or only half take advantage) of being presented in an audio/visual medium? What’s with all of the dialogue that goes nowhere? What’s with the frequent sexualization of minors? Despite all of that, Bake probably isn’t the worst show I’ve ever seen. Its art is cool (think flat, boldly colored liminality) and its music is great. It’s just filled to the brim with so much nonsense and junk that serves no purpose. The mysteries aren’t compelling as a result of being brought up, discussed, and resolved almost entirely through dialogue. The characters are as deep as they are likeable, which is to say not at all. I don’t know, maybe if I watched the 10 other series and 5 connected movies they’d be fleshed out, but I literally can’t think of anything I’d want to do less. Scores: Art (7/10) Music (8/10) Characters (1/10) Story (3/10) Objective (3/10) Subjective (2/10) This feels like a practical joke that, somehow, managed to get massively popular. I pray I never find myself on the same wavelengths as this show or its more problematic fans.
Reviewer’s Rating: 2
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Jan 14, 2024
Violet Evergarden
(Anime)
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Mixed Feelings
Aw man, I really wanted to like this :(
Brief - Violet Evergarden follows Violet Evergarden as she deals with adjusting to civilian life after having been embroiled in a harrowing war for the past 4 years. Now that she's out of the service, she finds it difficult to adapt to her new life and the rigors unique to it. Quickly she becomes an Auto Memory Doll (transcriber, essentially) and sets out to find the meaning of "love" through her work and experiences with others. From here, the show takes us through Violet's experiences as a Doll and how people she meets through her job impact her ... and vice versa. That's roughly half the show, anyway. The other half deals with Violet's past in the war and how she came to want to know the meaning of love. I'm a semi-firm believer that few premises are (inherently) bad, and that what's more important is how the premise unfolds. Violet Evergarden isn't an exception to this, I found the premise interesting at first and wanted to see where it went, but before long I found myself not being at all invested in either story the show wanted to tell (Violet learning what "love" means and what her past in the military consisted of). Story - In Violet Evergarden, you'll find overarching themes but not much in the way of an overarching plot. I'll justify that by saying that the storytelling feels much more like "and then" rather than "therefore". About half of the episodes are their own contained stories concerning Violet's clients, their troubles, and what they want her to write for them. That's fine in and of itself, but a problem arises when, after the second or third vignette, you realize that all of these stories will play out almost exactly the same. The sequence of events is typically as such: Violet gets a request to visit some far-off land to transcribe someone's thoughts into a letter -> The client is currently facing some dramatic personal crisis -> They tell Violet to stay out of their business -> Violet, usually through not understanding social norms, in some way helps them to face/overcome their issues -> Violet gains some skill points towards empathy -> She leaves, having enlightened the client. Also, gobs of tears are usually shed by someone at some point. Episodic television isn't the issue here. Columbo always gets his man, and that's compelling. The issue here is that all of these vignettes lack any sort of emotional nuance and bite. It's always SO obvious what the show wants you to feel. You could maybe make that argument for any sort of storytelling medium, but VE's tactic for eliciting emotion is less akin to strategic precision and more like a sledgehammer to the chest. This show could also learn something from the old adage "show, don't tell". In every episode, some character will melodramatically spell out their trauma to Violet (and the audience) set to the backdrop of swelling orchestral music and impossibly bright and beautiful natural scapes. While I wouldn’t call it misery porn, there is certainly a lot of (literally) shiny people ugly crying. In media, misery displayed without depth or meaning usually leads to a feeling of (attempted) emotional manipulation on the audience’s part. Again, you could accuse most stories of this, but the way in which VE handles it is especially groansome. VE is one of the few shows I would call “unpretentious” and not mean it as a compliment. It’s essentially baby’s first exploration of empathy and the human condition. It’s just so plain, obvious, and self-important in its intentions that it’s hard to become seriously invested. Have you ever felt bad for someone else and been even slightly introspective at least once in your life? If so, then chances are you’ll easily pick up what VE’s putting down. While some might say the moment when one of Violet’s clients breaks down crying, the music swells, and they become bathed in golden light is the part where it “all comes together”, I’d instead argue that it’s where the show becomes less than the sum of its parts. To so frequently rely on these overly-saccharine and melodramatic cry-fests shows a lack of original thought on the writer’s part. Needless to say, 9 times out of 10, the show failed to make me really get in my feels. The other half of the story, concerning Violet’s past in the military, can often times cause an extremely jarring tonal shift. The fighting is portrayed as pretty grounded (for anime standards anyway) until 12 year-old Violet comes Naruto running through a wall of flames to effortlessly take out an entire squadron of men. Maybe it’s just me, but it always took me out of the moment when stuff like that happened. It’s never once explained how she got her hands on the Super Soldier Serum. Beyond that, the war just isn’t compelling. It, like the themes, lacks in nuance. The bad guys are literally just called “The Anti-Peace Rebels”. Yeah, okay, Nazis aren’t exactly nuanced either, but in a work a fiction it might behoove you to give different factions actually coherent motives beyond just being mad butthurt over some lost battles. Characters – I personally liked Violet better when her name was Rei Ayanami, she had an actually interesting backstory, and she wasn’t the main character. Perhaps I’m selling her short, but the main thread of “discovering emotions” is still the primary concern. My main issue with Violet is that she just isn’t all that compelling of a protagonist. Her “discovering emotions” and finding out what life’s all about just wasn’t very well done. She’ll smile naturally in one episode and then forget how to in the next. She’ll cry in one episode and then show no emotional development in the next. After she finds out her commanding officer is dead, she reacts in a very human way; she cries and pleads with others to reassure her. After that, however, she’s still prone to acting like a robot whenever others unload their trauma on her. Her humanity wavers depending on whatever the writers felt like having her do at any given moment. Most of the show is just other characters bouncing emotions off of her, which wasn’t very interesting for me. Ah. I’ve just realized that most of the other characters aren’t worth describing. Partly because that’d be boring, but mostly because there’s nothing to them. They’re mostly all just perfectly nice. Art – This show is gorgeous. The art is vibrant, detailed and pleasing to look at. The animation is fluid. It’s movie-level at almost all times. If I did have to point out something I didn’t enjoy, however, it’d be that some scenes are unnaturally bright. Not as in that the lighting is unrealistic for certain environments, more so that it genuinely hurt to look at due to how bright it was at some points. Music – Not especially memorable, but pleasant. Miscellaneous – * Gilbert’s brother’s character made almost no sense to me. “Use this child as a weapon of war, brother. Okay Violet, now that you’re a weapon of war, I hate you. Despite being a military veteran, I’m going to blame you solely for my brother’s death. Obviously it was ALL your fault.” * Injuries in this show are so borked. Violet didn’t bleed to death after having both of her arms severed and not receiving medical attention for an entire night, but some soldier gets shot in the back ONCE and it’s lights out before sunset? * Violet nearly runs on water at one point. Again, HOW did she gain these abilities? * Should’ve mentioned this in the character section, but Violet is the most Mary Sue of Mary Sues. In conclusion, maybe I just wanted VE to be something it wasn’t. Despite that, what it IS still isn’t great. The emotional subtlety of a thrown brick, the Pinocchio arc done with basically no originality, the lame ass war dramatics and the supporting cast’s lifelessness are most of what contribute to this show being just “fine” for me. I’ve certainly seen worse shows, but I’ve also watched a lot better. Despite my ambivalence to it, it’s one of the most popular and hyped anime ever so what the fuck do I know? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Scores: Art (9/10) Music (6/10) Characters (4/10) Story (5/10) Objective (6/10) Subjective (5/10) Perhaps good to watch if you’re not as emotionally jaded as a lot of people (myself included) and it’s undoubtedly beautiful. Just know that the beauty only runs skin-deep.
Reviewer’s Rating: 5
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Jan 3, 2024
Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso
(Anime)
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Not Recommended Funny Spoiler
What a fucking disaster of a show. First, the few positives:
Art - The art and animation is (usually) really nice. Environments are bright and richly detailed, characters are distinct from one another and capable of visually expressing emotion in a good way and the animation, while not amazing or anything, is pleasing to watch. Overall, the show has a lot of life breathed into it just by how it looks. Even if you're not a fan of the glossy character designs or heavily saturated look of the show overall, it'd be hard to call this a "bad" looking anime. The only times the visuals are ... bothersome is when the show decides to do a slapstick chibi gag. These are numerous (I'd say it happens at least once an episode) and never enhance the "humor" beyond what it would've been without them. Music - A show about music better have good music, and thankfully this does. Kind of. The first OP is something I've been unable to get out of my head since I finished watching. Unfortunately, it was replaced halfway through by something infinitely more forgettable. Since the series focuses on a piano prodigy, there's a lot of classical arrangements throughout. The pieces you haven't heard before probably won't knock your socks off, but they're a nice listen (when they're not being deliberately butchered and characters aren't talking over them). The soundtrack outside of that is fine; neither especially memorable nor memorably offensive. Characters - Oof. Let's start off with the MC, Kousei. Kousei is your typical anime sadboy and never really becomes anything greater throughout. Besides his trauma and piano playing prowess, there's not much to the guy. He's basically sympathetic, though, which is all he really needed to be. He's the least problematic of the cast. Kaori is Kousei's "love interest". I put "love interest" in quotations because outside of fleeting adolescent hormones, I have no clue why or how this is supposed to be a romance. Kaori is viewed by all of the other characters as just this perfect ethereal being, which is in stark contrast to how she actually behaves. At best, she's stock tsundere #7653. At worst, however, she is the embodiment of most if not all of the 7 deadly sins, with plenty of room for overlap. Her interactions with Kousei mainly consist of her berating him, physically assaulting him, guilt tripping him, gross exploitation of his abilities for her own personal gain and more. Anytime the show has the chance to do something even halfway self-aware with her or what she could mean to/for Kousei, it screws it up. The way the show wanted me to feel about Kaori and the way I actually felt about Kaori basically never aligned. Tsubaki - She's Kousei's secret admirer, essentially. They've been friends since childhood and Kaori's arrival into their lives has awakened some deep-seated feelings within Tsubaki towards Kousei. Beyond that, she's almost as mean to Kousei as Kaori is. She has almost nothing else going on. Watari - Kousei and Tsubaki's friend. He begins dating Kaori for stupid reasons. Jock type. Etc. characters - Utterly forgettable to completely unbelievable. Most are mean to Kousei as well. Story - Crikey, this one's a stinker. Since I've labelled this review with a spoiler tag, I assume you either already know what happens or don't care, so I'll just take this time to sound off. The initially interesting premise is completely undone by horrendous pacing, unlikable characters, and dubious values. Your Lie in April has some of the worst pacing and structure I've seen in media, period. This is a very generous estimate, but I'd say about half of every episode consists of either insanely redundant and indulgent monologues, insanely redundant and boring flashbacks or insanely redundant and pretentious metaphors for what Kousei's playing feels like. I've been a teenager before, so I get it to an extent, but goodness gracious if most of what these kids talk to themselves about aren't the most absurd, overblown and grandiose musings on love, life, being, whatever. By Kousei's 500th internal monologue on Kaori and how she's like a flower, snowflake and shooting star all rolled into one - you get it. Every character thinks to themselves like this and pretty quickly it becomes impossible to take seriously. The flashbacks are another level of suck altogether. I forgave them initially because they're used to establish important plot points and whatnot, but before long they just kept repeating information we'd long since parsed. Conventional wisdom would dictate that each important instance of Kousei's mom beating him would necessitate only one scene per beating. Conventional wisdom be damned, however, because the same moments are mulled over, no joke, probably dozens of times. Something exciting could be happening in the present, but the show always feels it necessary to derail itself and focus on something in Kousei's past we've already seen happen 27 times. An event that would maybe take 2 minutes in real time is stretched out to an episode and a half because of these flashbacks (that's only slight hyperbole). The flashbacks were so frequent, long and disruptive in this that I've started feeling an aversion to them in other media. It's absurd. Numerous characters also take it upon themselves to comment on Kousei's playing. That would be fine if it didn't also drown out the pieces themselves. Instead of hearing Kousei play poorly, we'll hear about how Kousei's playing poorly. Besides that, they describe it like he's charging the fucking Spirit Bomb. This, like the flashbacks and monologues, is insanely disruptive. Like I mentioned before, I have no idea how this is supposed to be considered a romance. It's probably the worst "romance" I've seen in fiction. Kaori, like every other child in Japan apparently, saw Kousei play the piano when she was a kid and it inspired her to want to play with him. She also has a nigh incurable disease and has decided to live life to its fullest while she can. This involves accompanying Kousei on stage. A problem arises, however, when it’s shown that Kousei doesn’t play the piano anymore. His mom was physically abusive towards him to try and make him the best pianist he could be, and there’s too much trauma associated with it for him to want to play anymore. This would put a halt to any sane human’s plans to play with him, but Kaori isn’t sane (and hardly acts human). Kaori’s solution is to force, through assault both physical and mental, Kousei to play with her. In addition to that, she gaslights him, manipulates him, just toys with his feelings to achieve her means. This is obviously bad for Kousei. I’m not afflicted with it, but I assume the proper treatment for trauma isn’t continued exposure to the thing you most associate with your trauma. Kaori doesn’t care though. Sometimes the series is smart enough to draw parallels between Kaori and Kousei’s mom, but it never does anything substantial with it. It’s portrayed almost exclusively through Kousei seeing both his mom and Kaori laid up in a hospital. Not once is a connection made between how his mom abused him and how Kaori’s treating him. The series wants us so desperately to take Kousei’s suffering seriously, but it never meaningfully vilifies those who cause it the most. Kaori is seen as an angel by him, he still considers Tsubaki a friend and even his mom gets a redemptive arc. Kousei couldn’t have been more than, what, 12(?) when we see his mom literally beat him bloody for playing the piano poorly, but by the end of the series it feels almost as though we’re supposed to sympathize with this monster. Seriously, at one point Kousei asks his mom’s friend if she thinks his mom would ever forgive him. Obviously, she isn’t the one to be granting forgiveness – she’s dead and horrible. Instead of offering encouragement and saying to Kousei “What? It’s not on her to forgive you.” The mom’s friend instead says, essentially, that Kousei’s mom only wanted what was best for him and that the ends justify the means. I was truly gobsmacked by this. It’s where the show went from being just boring and indulgent to actually disgusting. This character is not portrayed as being in the wrong for telling Kousei this, either. A lot of this comes to a head when Kaori dies. She leaves a letter for Kousei in which she basically says that she wanted to live without fear and accompany Kousei on stage at least once. She also admits her feelings for him in the letter, and says that she only dated his best friend to...? It’s so dumb. Why she felt the need to gaslight both Kousei and Watari like this, I have no clue. It’s one of the worst “twists” I’ve seen in anything. Why would Kaori not just tell Kousei she liked him? She wants to spend more time with him, so she goes out of her way to not do that. I don’t understand. Beyond that, her reasoning for forcing Kousei to play piano again was just because she wanted to accompany him. That’s it, it was never about helping him overcome his trauma – it was a plainly selfish act. Despite this, we’re supposed to believe that Kousei feels better at the end of the series. How? Admittedly he does chill out a bit midway through, but I read it more like he’d made preparations for his suicide rather than him finally experiencing contentment. So, what I came away from the series with is that the way through trauma is continued exposure to the thing you associate most with said trauma, and that abuse is okay because the ends justify the means. I try to be open-minded and analyze media from all angles, but I truly have no clue what else it could be trying to say. Your Lie in April is one of the worst anime I’ve ever watched and perhaps one of the worst pieces of media I’ve consumed in general. Sure, other things have been technically worse, but what sets a Neil Breen or Tommy Wiseau movie apart from this is that those guys are clearly insane and incompetent. This was made by a competent and talented staff, so the fact (subjective fact, mind you) that it was so boring, discordant, and offensive in its messaging is all the more shocking to me. Scores: Art (8/10) Music (7/10) Characters (2/10) Story (1/10) Objective (2/10) Subjective (1/10) In conclusion, Your Lie in April is one of the worst things I’ve ever watched. A boring, overwrought and morally bankrupt series full of unlikable characters, unbelievable “romance” and flimsy drama. Abysmal.
Reviewer’s Rating: 1
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