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The past summer, I went to a theme park with my friends as a part of a retreat; we got on this one rollercoaster, I think it was called the Earthshaker or something like that. I expelled the remainder of my lunch on the sidewalk as my friends pretended not to know me.

As I watched these two episodes, I suddenly had a bout of PTSD; oh shit... where am I? Who's dick was I jerking off? What the hell is even going on? When I both came and came to, I realized that it was indeed my own dick I was jerking off and that ... I was in my room.

In a brief 40 some odd minutes, you get to watch everything Stanley Kubrick has worked for disappear into nothingness. Watching this was like watching a 2007 Youtube video recorded by a man with Parkinsons. The camera work in these two episodes defy everything that was taught to me in film school; there is no focus, there is lighting, no use of color or shadows. In fact, it was like playing against Zed in League of Legends, one second the dick is in the cente-- nope now it's in the top right corner (why?). One second she's being penetrated, next frame, she's peeing onto the ground.

The second episode is even stranger than the first, somehow. It starts off with some EDM, with interspersed cuts of moaning and ahegao, then immediately cuts to credits, where you are promptly spoiled the rest of the episode WITH an Andy Warhol backdrop. Artists, lament! God has forsaken us on this hour indeed!

Throughout the episode, I had a lot of trouble remaining erect. No, it wasn't the rape. Nor the peeing. It was the fact that every couple of seconds, the camera would zoom into the man's ass if the ass was available. Then the camera would pan out of the male teacher's ass and I would go limp. We demand more male ass on our hentai, god damnit, Johnson!

So what did I learn from these two episodes? Do we even know what his name is? Hell, do we even know what her name is? The answer to these questions is: no. But then again; do we ever know who the people in hentai are? But be prepared with a waste bin if you do watch this.

I hate rape. I hate, hate, hate it. Guys, have you ever been in a situation where you had an awkward boner that just randomly appeared? I know I have. At those moments, I think of rape hentai. However, I also hate my life, so I decided to watch this clusterfuck of a hentai.

I will, however, state that I am very biased, if you haven't noticed by now. In fact, my favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla. There's a reason why people call vanilla a pure flavor. Notice how there is no "rape" flavored ice cream, though you may like that, you sick bastard.

I ... think one of my biggest qualms with modern hentai is the fact that most of it caters to fat men. There's a lot of hentai I haven't written about yet because of general work and laziness issues and a shitton have this problem. Moreso, the old-man-raping-young-woman hentai are usually bundled with ahegao, like some shitty Walmart 2-for-1 special. Take a gander at any ahegao hentai list and you'll see what I mean: Sei Yariman Gakuen? Old man (although a nice guy... no rape. But still an old man.) Soredemo Aishiteru? Old man. Princess Knight Janne? Alright, I actually haven't watched this one, but she's blonde and it's a rape hentai so statistically, there's a 80% chance that she's gonna get raped by an old demi-human. Gakuen Saimin. Kansen 5. The list goes on. I bet you that the first person who ever made an old man raping young girl hentai was sweating bullets... and then he realized that ahegao was a fetish as well

"Haha... guys, she has an ahegao... c'mon you know she enjoys it... c-c'mon guys..." he said, laughing nervously.

Yeah, Mr. Rapesalot, that doesn't cut it.

A bit of etymology here: ahegao = ah (moaning sound) + egao (smile). This shit is lewd as fuck.

Where's all the vanilla ahegao content? There is almost no content that has vanilla doujin, at least no new series that've had ahegao without an ounce of rape.

Anyway, back to the hentai. So there's this girl (Anna) who's a famous gravure model in Japan, her sister wants to be just like her and be a famous gravure model too, so she joins a cult that lets men rape her to oblivion. Hello???

Error 404: Logic not found.

Her model sister has no idea what has happened to Anna, and like the genius she is, doesn't contact any of the proper authorities, because if she did, then this hentai would turn into a policeman rape hentai. I'm kidding, it's actually because she's an idiot. I think breasts are like sponges in hentai; they're just there to soak up all of the possible stem cells that would've turned into brain cells. I'm sure you all know where this is going (very fine use of dramatic irony here, Mr Hentai Director). Next stop: the capital of Rape Country, Ahegao City! Now the scenes are very nice, I liked them a lot, but in the back of my mind, the poisonous thorn of rape stopped me from being able to masturbate. Long story short, this monk, austere in his faith of raping women, rapes a bunch of women. It's only slightly not as bad as real Catholic monks raping young boys, but it's still pretty bad.

If you like rape, this is your buffet. If you watch hentai for the plot and don't mind rape, this is the pearl of the oyster. If you hate rape... well I think you're watching the wrong genre of animation, friend.

There are few masterpieces that leave their marks on people, especially in pornography. Who looks at a porno starring a pornstar and says "Good Lord and all his creations, this has transformed my soul and my knowledge of the world for the better?" None, probably. But I can say that without a doubt, this hentai has left its mark on me. Quite literally, in fact.

The first time I encountered this hentai was when I was a mere 12 year old. Interesting art style for the time, unlike the typical Trigun-ish or Clannad-ish look that most hentais had. Now that's not to say I didn't enjoy ... them too. As I enjoy saying, hentai must be both an intellectual, physical, and philosophical experience. That is to say, both of your heads must enjoy it (if you catch my drift). Of course, there are some that don't fit all three criteria, or do them very poorly. I assure you, even those are hentai, they're a lesser form. Think of it this way, Belphegor in comparison to some lesser demon like an imp. Who would you rather have on your side? Obviously some demon general powerful. Same rule applies to hentai, the hentai that fulfills this trinity is king.

Where was I? Ah yes, the trinity. Anyway, before viewing this, I was naive. A simpleton, really. I had only watched a few hentais, and they were hard to come by in the early 2000s. This hentai begins quite normally, they all have sex with men, and... make them... jizz in a... cup? What? Interesting. My mind began to become unsettled and stir. This was something unexplicable, something... something insane. Something noteworthy. Anyway, long story short, the women that get stabbed with the men's reproductive organs instead get stabbed with a knife and sacrificed to Satan or Belphegor or something like that. Hentai is truly versatile. Because of these ritualistic, raping scenes, and somehow an actual coherent plot, I wouldn't classify this as a hentai, more something like an HBO or AMC television series.

Now at this point, she's sacrificed to some demon or devil or some higher power (or lower power, since Hell is...below... nevermind). My mind is blown at this point, much like the penii of several of the men. Did I mention that the men are different and that the hentai strays away from the typical 1 man fucks all cliche? It's really weird, typically it's like a buffet where the main character can fuck as many girls as he wants, how he wants, whenever he wants, whoever he wants, pretty much given divine powers over the hearts of women. If Yugioh were about the Heart of the Women instead of the Heart of the Cards, this would be the apt hentai adaptation.

What my 10 year old self didn't know, however, was that my mind was about to be blown again. This girl walks over to this other girl and whips out a penis. What? That can't be a penis. It's obviously a fake or some type of magic strap on thing. But then she ejaculates all over the other girl and puts it back in her panties. Really, these guys should go pro in Counterstrike or something since they've blown my brains so many times.

If you've watched How I Met Your Mother, there's this one main character, or I suppose, the main character, who loves pretentiously quoting the first part of the Divine Comedy by Dante. I have no doubts that this hentai will be discussed in hentai discussions just as much as Dante's work is discussed in the next thousand years.

As the late emperor Julius Caesar once said, "Vini, vidi, vici." I feel this phrase is only two-thirds correct for our situation, since I merely vidi'd and vini'd, if you catch my drift.

Since this is porn, let's take a little review at the fetishes it offers. Actually, it would be more prudent to instead state the fetishes that it doesn't have. There's no rape, NTR, no army of men, no old men that look like the Buddha shouting "Believe!" like some estranged, alternate universe Naruto. In fact, literally everything besides those three are here, incest, maids, threesomes, sex toys, bondage, you name it, it's ... got it. This is essentially the "Wal-Mart" of hentai. Actually, that part with the rape? My bad, one of the girls actually rapes him. So yeah, it's all there. A complete package, essentially.

Speaking of packages, the MC has a pretty huge one. In the Bible, the Holy Book itself, Exodus 14:21, Moses parts the Red Sea with a single wave of his hand and staff, and with the power of the Almighty God. I have no reservations in my mind that if our MC, Daisuke, were to take out his penis and slap it against the Red Sea, that the ocean would part before him. It's not presumptuous to say that, allegorically, Moses's staff could be submitted for Daisuke's large meat sword.

Do you know how Daisuke is written in Japanese? 大介. If you can't see the first word, it's dai, which means large in both Chinese and Japanese. Yet another example of my hypothesis. Illuminati confirmed.

I oftentimes have trouble wrapping up a review. Should I rant and rave some more? Or should I end it short and sweet? That is to say, the opposite of Daisuke's penis, which is unequivocally large and probably not sweet. I suppose I should cut the bullshit and write some solid groundwork on this review.

What did I enjoy about this hentai? That is to say, how good were the sex scenes and the sounds? I'd say they were very good, growing up with these images and knowledge of the female anatomy granted me large amounts of advancement and precociousness in comparison with my compatriots, who I later taught them to, and was revered as the teacher for men of women. One thing I definitely did not like were the alternate universe jumping between episodes. First episode and the second episode may have happened the same timeline, I'll grant you that, but once you hit the bridge between the second and third episodes, there's a problem. In the second episode, he makes his cousin's resort boin, if you understand. However, in the third episode, he never actually had sex with his cousin. Doesn't really make sense, and definitely threw me off. In fact, my mind was so confused by this sequence of events that I put all of my clothes back on and attempted to solve this mystery, much akin to Einstein's solving of the photoelectric effect.

Anyway, I enjoyed this series very much, even with all of it's negligible flaws.

Imagine this: it's 3 AM in the morning, typical city life noises outside, accompanied by large portions of relative silence. You decide to turn on the computer, watch some anime, wait, actually, let's watch some porn. Listlessly glazing over the list of hentai, the words "Oppai" pop out to you the most. Maybe it's the large amounts of conditioning you imposed on yourself unknowingly by watching porn? Anyway, you click it.

What comes next is an absolute surprise, not only is the story incoherent, like a babbling child without a pacifier, it shatters the norms. Have you ever played Maplestory, or any game with quests and ... plot? Undoubtedly, most of you will say yes, if so, you will be familiar with the concept of a "storyline". If you are uninterested in such a ridiculous, well grounded concept, this is most likely the hentai for you.

One could argue that Oppai no Ouja 48 is a work of art, in that it takes several rewatches and sufficient backstory to understand it. Also, it has boobs. Such an elaborate story can only be understood by playing the visual novel. I have acquired the visual novel, and after playing it, understand the problem. Most of the females don't have names, backstories, or anything at all. It can be said that they're literally there for the sex, like some crazed one night stand that suspiciously doesn't end.

Let us go over what we know: the hero is given pieces of paper and whenever he shows them to someone, he obliterates what they previously called their vagina. Approximately 5 minutes into the first episode, he's given the scouter, which allows him to see the breasts - and only breasts - of a female. He proceeds to use the scouter a total of three times; he has no need for it, since his penis has magnetic properties towards the cervixes of any given female.

10 minutes into the first episode, he has sex with a shrine maiden. Now, obviously, this is pretty typical, shrine maidens are on essentially on the same tier as maids. What makes no sense is that she literally disappears after being fucked. What's the director trying to say? Are we all just strangers who disappear? Does it signify the fading out of previous girlfriends? Most likely none of the above, he just fucked a ghost into the afterlife. It was at this time that I realized the power of a hentai protagonist's penis. He also beds a childhood friend and a maid (who calls him her master for life, but then disappears forever). Let's skip all the way to the end of the second episode. By this time, the MC has conquered everything. You name it, he's fucked it. He might as well be the Edison of sex. But at the end, he wants the girl who originally gave him the tickets to stay with him. I'm certain that there's a moral here somewhere.

Anyway, if you like swapping out girls every 5 minutes, this is probably the best hentai for you.