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For me to hand out a 1 rating requires one of three criteria to be met. One of these is “physically painful to watch.” In addition to that criteria, I cannot have a single positive thing to say. Welcome to Madonna.

Tanaami Keiichi is a man who I can only assume has some beef with the epileptic community. There’s no explanation for this other than “I want to inflict pain upon the viewer.” If that was the goal, bravo jackass. If not, whatever your goal was failed because this film made me think of literally two things; my eyes hurt ... and True Blue’s a pretty good album. Actually if the goal really was to remind me of True Blue then holy shit I got outplayed.

Many people like to joke that the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki made Japan the way it is today. I disagree, I think it was always like that. My evidence is this film. It’s about the attack on Pearl Harbor if the Japanese were cute cartoon monkeys.

The idea is simple: get kids excited about kamikaze. Cue 30 minutes of heroism and patriotism. It was meant for small children who had no access to the internet. For them, it may have been exciting. For me, the film could have been 15 minutes shorter and been a more entertaining ... experience. I understand that planes need to take off before they start wars they’re not going to win but these things can be cut from the film.

Underneath all that ism is a surprisingly anti-war film. There are some shots which linger on the destruction caused by the Imperial Navy which clearly weren’t placed there as celebration. Considering this and the director’s past actions and political leanings, it’s a wonder 1943 Japan approved of this at all.

It’s a propaganda film for a conflict whose 100th birthday will happen in my lifetime, so it’s difficult for me to care. It’s interesting to see a piece of animation history, it’s amusing to watch cartoon bunnies fighting for their country, but neither of these can prevent me from calling the film a bore.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Look at the MAL picture and guess what this is about. You got it right, good job. If you’re not a “numbers go up” addict, don’t bother. Just walk away and there will be no end to the horror because it never really began now did it.

This is probably a metaphor for the Chinese government being unkind. Sorry, I couldn’t think too hard about it. I was busy thinking about something else. I can tell you that if I was right, the Chinese government now has my full support. Purely out of ... spite. I don’t care what they censor or who they kill as long as the people who made this are against it.

Ao Oni is a film that thinks it’s far more intelligent than it actually is. Based on a free little RPGmaker game (which the film makes sure you are aware of), it spins its own tale completely unrelated to the game (which the film also decides you need to be aware of). Made with some of the ugliest CGI ever released to the market, it ends up being an hour of sheer boredom. Just kidding, it’s only forty-five minutes of sheer boredom.

HOO BOY

The last fifteen minutes made me laugh so hard I got a headache. This may be the funniest twist ... I’ve ever seen in anything ever. It’s completely bonkers. You’d think a simple “yeah they were a science experiment gone wrong” would suffice for such a low budget production but nope. Nope nope nope. I really hope this wasn’t sabotage, I really hope somebody believed this was a thought-provoking and well-written ending.

On one hand, this movie is a piece of crap. On the other hand, it’s absolutely amazing. I can’t in good faith give it a good score, but I can absolutely recommend it. For the love of God, do not spoil yourself on this one. It’s just too fuckin’ good.

I believe the highest compliment one can bestow upon a work of art is experiencing it for a second time immediately upon completion of the first. Enter Shigeru, a nine-second absurdist film by a vulgar woman that features the beautiful and purple face of a Mr. Shigeru Matsuzaki. I’ve watched it more than one times, I didn’t count.

As it takes longer to read a review than it does to watch the film, the words of the review are meaningless. All that truly matters is the big blue star and big beautiful 8 I’ve bestowed upon this little flick. I liked it ... and I’m giving you permission to ignore the low rating and like it as well.

A low rating that I simply do not understand. At what point in those nine seconds did your ego rise to such a level that you not only couldn’t smile at the absurdity of a pinkish manwoman walking across an alien moon whilst a Japanese singer-slash-actor’s photorealistic purple-filtered face manically spun around, but deemed it necessary to spitefully strike it down with a 1/10 rating? Why are you so miserable?

It’s not like I feel nothing. There is an emotion here. But I can’t pinpoint what it is. Rage or disgust. Probably disgust.

I mean really, what were they thinking? Actually I do know what they were thinking. “Vocaloid opera.” And that’s where they stopped thinking. They jumped right into it and a month before release they realized that operas have a story and music. They had neither.

Well shoot, we have to write a story. How do you make a good story? Make it relatable. What’s something that everyone does? Die. Perfect. ... It’s a story about death, starring Miku. But someone might notice the story is lacking. Make it artsy, make them feel dumb for not getting it. Insult their intelligence on top of stealing their time.

Making a minute and a half of good music is hard. Too hard for them. And then there’s the other 84 minutes. What do we do? It’s a vocaloid opera, make some vocaloid music. Should it be catchy? Haha no. Perhaps a song about a dragon. With her face in the dragon’s mouth. Trust me, it’s going to look way stupider than it sounds.

I can confirm that The End does indeed end at some point. The applause was the most unbelievable part of this entire ordeal.