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Apr 22, 2015
[Spoilers]
This Dragon Ball Z movie was very unnecessary, i'm very positive Akira Toriyama was going through mid-life crisis and needed money badly, so voilà! I present to you Swamp Monster! I mean Bio-Broly! What is the point of bringing back Broly if you're literally going to make him walking fecal-matter! I should have watched this movie in Japanese and without subtitles just so I didn't have to worry about missing any important piece to the movie, because literally story is not a thing here. Toriyama looked up to the sky, shed a tear and said "Lord, do not smite me for what I have bestowed
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on the people who made me successful and is the reason why I sleep comfortably and eat every night and day, but muah! muah! My latest masterpiece! A silver platter of spicy sh*t!" I have not seen a larger disaster since the 2010 BP Oil Spill, or even worse, shall I even say it, the birth of Jaden Smith. Goku, our lord and savior wasn't even in the film, and i'm sure he couldn't have saved this catastrophe of a DBZ movie. Goku shows up at the very last few seconds of the movie and is shown eating. That's about it, just eating. I'm sure Toriyama only added that last scene of Goku eating because that is what they think us "Westerners" can relate to. Eating. Well Toriyama, i'm ending this on the note of saying that I am appalled that you created this movie and i'm shocked to see that you didn't make this a hentai film because that is another stereotype of your western fans. No, not all of us eat a lot and no, not all of us touch ourselves to animated drawings doing obscene things like getting penetrated by 8 ft tentacles! At least you got that one right, good thing you have loyal fans because i'm sure if they weren't loyal you'd be creating mediocre flash "dress up games" like "Dress up Selena Gomez" or "Dress up Whoopi Goldberg!" Anyway, this has been a Clams review. Barely. I can't review a 40 minute milked movie with no story or good characters. If you'd like me to review anything just message me.
Reviewer’s Rating: 5
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Mar 25, 2015
[SPOILERS] (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)
This anime gets a thumbs up from me, and here is why. This anime starts out like every other anime, guy sees boobs, guy is a loser with glasses, but my main man here gets some sort of protozoa parasite that crawls into his arm. You might think "but what is so cool about a parasite in a guys arm? Shouldn't that make his arm to rot and cause infections?" Unless badassery is a type of infection, then yes, he does. My man over here becomes a jack ass and kills people left and right, my buddies and I started
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calling the as$ hole Joseph Stalin, and for crying out loud his parasite has the ability to talk and turn into blades and sh*t. I can't quite recall but i'm sure the parasite even knows the quantisation of matter or something. The thing is smarter than Kanye West. As all anime's go, the dude or "Joe" finds a really attractive female (I personally think the b*tch looks like Edna Mode from the 2004 Disney Pixar animated film "the Incredibles.) Anyway, he finds a girl and finds out his genitalia doesn't function properly when they are in the process of sexual intercourse, and so his arm turns into a 12 inch genitalia and splits the poor broad in half. Which is fine. I won't spoil the ending because it is worth watching. I'll just end this on the note of saying that this anime is sweeter than 90 year old virgin catholic nun p*ssy juice. Well kept and preserved with a tingling feeling on the tip of your tongue. Don't get me wrong, i've had more fun sneezing into a used tissue paper filled with my very own ejaculate fluid on it, but i'd say give both a try. This has been a Clams Review, if you'd like me to review something just message me.
Reviewer’s Rating: 8
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Feb 28, 2015
I gave this movie a 6, and here's why. You'll enjoy this movie very much if you're some kind of deep hipster art major or a dumb ass with a philosophy major. This movie is very visually pleasing and I say that not knowing what other sh*tty movies looked like in the 80's. Bottom line, it looks good. Now lets talk about the story, and I won't spoil the "story" if that's what you want to call it. This movie will brain f*ck you like a lab rat trying to understand the meaning of life, or like a twelve year old trying to understand Right-Wing
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politics, it doesn't work. If you're like me, you stumbled on this sh*tty movie thinking it'll be like a nice "Dragon Ball" anime with a nice plot and plenty of action that makes sense, but no, all you get is a waste of two hours and then another hour wasted searching on multiple websites like reddit and yahoo answers to find the meaning of the movie because it left you confused and with a disgusting head ache. Even when you search for a meaning, multiple hipsters that tried to answer the question "what does the 1988 anime film Akira mean?" you're going to get a bunch of different answers because everyone who acts like they know what it means just interpreted themselves and then go as far as calling it a piece of art. I'm going to end this on the note of saying that if you want to get brain f*cked and have no idea what you got into, then go ahead, watch it. Just don't go thinking it'll be about motorcycles and futuristic weapons, because it's not. You're better off wondering why Vince Vaughn still acts and ruins or films like how this movie will ruin your life.
Reviewer’s Rating: 6
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