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There's something unsettling—and hilariously incongruous—about the way Dracula: Sovereign of the Damned tries to replicate the classic Hammer Horror aesthetic with some of the cheapest, clunkiest, flattest-looking herky-jerky animation this side of Hanna-Barbera.

I mean, seriously?

Call me crazy, but I'm not sure if the likes of Jabberjaw and Jonny Quest should occupy the same universe as vampires, devil worshippers, child-murdering priests, zombies, karate-kicking demon slayers, wheelchair ninjas, hyperintelligent dobermans, disco studs, reincarnated babies with Jesus powers, and—in a cameo appearance—a surprisingly pointy-eared Satan (or "Lucifer Satan, as he calls himself).


Uh, scratch that. On second thought, all of that actually sounds kinda awesome. And hell, ... let's be honest. It's not like a surprise supporting turn from Scrappy-Doo or The Funky Phantom would make this shit any less ridiculous.

I don't even know what it is I am doing anymore. My head hasn't a BSOD like this since Inherent friggin Vice! This gave me flashbacks to some of those videotapes of questionable quality in my basement that I watched as a kid. Something like A Tale of Two Kitties, which I now know was a Polish production dubbed into English and released by Good Housekeeping magazine of all things! Also, truth in advertising: From the Studio that Brought You Dragon Ball Z!

There was some rat-faced dipshit a-drivin' his jalopy in the woods with his animal friends, a bear, a mouse, a fox, and a ... dog. They spot some witchy demon girl flying overhead in her glass helicopter and our crew of merry fools follow to some crummy-lookin' castle. They are then attacked by more demon children in order to assimilate them into the local witch's demon army, which ends with them successfully corrupting Squeeker Mouse. There's at least 3 song and dance numbers, as well as a trip to D-grade Wonderland with demonic flowers and shit. Then there's some stealth sequence where the remaining crew try to sneak back into the castle to save their friend, which involves the bear saluting a statue and eventually destroying a windmill that powers the demon maker and then the witch activates her ice caves and the children all come--

MY HEAD!!!!!!!
cAN't tHINk
haLp me