Jibun no Karada wo Yurusu made
Until I Love Myself: The Journey of a Nonbinary Manga Artist

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I wasn't expecting this little gem to plonk itself on my lap when I was browsing around my local bookstore for new manga to read.

The art of Until I love myself stands out a lot from the usual manga you see on book shelves, it's very organic and worries more about expressing itself rather than appearing polished. The designs are distinct and adorably geometric heavy, and the way the author breaks their shapes to express emotions in situations where it's hard to describe how it feels is just mwah, chef kiss!

The story, I don't want to critique or talk about too much because ... it is a biography and it feels like an insight into the personal reflection of the author, which is rare from what i've seen in manga I've read and my friends have read. Overall though? It's good. The author is reflective on others behaviours and of their own, often times pointing out when maybe they weren't as innocent as we wish we could all be in these situations - it takes a big person to admit that the world isn't as black and white and it adds to the introspection of their mindset.

It's a good little read and I think it's worth to hear peoples experiences out, especially a queer mangaka in the day in age where we want our authors to be more diverse and willing to tell us their stories!

_Side note, I rated this manga a 7 because, like I said, I don't like rating something as personal as someone's life story, especially one as vulnerable as this one. I genuinely believe it's a good read and that my review is much more informative than any score I could give!

What does life tell us? When we write a character study about ourselves?

Writing this while still not decided what to rate it.

Manga isn't something I'd usually go to for an autobiographical story. There's only one manga that I follow from that regard, “My Solo Exchange Diary”, and the author Kabi Nagata; and in the same vein, this isn't the kind of story you'd find a film about. There's over 8 billion different lives currently happening at this instant, and people being able to express theirs in manga form inspires me like nothing else, specially with stories as necessary as this one.

Pesuyama, a non-binary, male ... leaning author, suffered from sexual assault in their workspace back in 2013, due to their female body. At a time when laws, the media, the legality, and the social norms weren't as prevalent in protecting the suffering ones. Pesuyama was, at the time, somebody whose experiences had already caused them extreme turmoil, confusion, anger, hatred, not only outwards, but inwards. Damming their existence, damming everybody else around them. A horrible cycle of loneliness, pain, hatred, and their slow way out.

It's such an honest portrayal of a human, at least for the moment Pesuyama wrote it in. While, we can always imagine life to be a bit predictable, the way we describe experiences like this is what makes them important. While this is a portrayal of life, it feels like a grander lesson on understanding, on caring about those around us. Respect isn't a hard thing to act out, much less when aware of how our actions affect others. And yes, not even the author is perfect. People have reasons to be horrible to others, and it isn't a justification on bad behavior, but knowledge to be recognized, so we can move forwards, and become better people. The friendships we have, the relationships with our families, are all that hold us up in times of sadness.

Life affirming, and equally therapeutic for Pesuyama to have written it. It reinforces my beliefs as a person, and definitely my respect for the surrounding ones. In that regard, the manga succeeds. Now, of course, being an autobiography, and a short one at that, it isn't perfect. There's a messiness with details that (while making the manga more human) undermine a good structure. It embodies the author to a T, since it wasn't at all written with a plan on when it'll end. Like a friend, telling us what's relevant to each piece of a small puzzle, instead of the whole picture. The last chapters delve into a much more personal detail, that connects with their other manga, which I wish was translated somewhere.

It's Pesuyama's arc into slowly accepting their body, with some bits and pieces of how their relationships change over time. Their mother, friends, the past, the reminiscence, and how they portray themselves with the limitations of the publishers. It's all about confronting one's demons, and reaching what many would think is an “anti-climactic” resolution. I loved it all the same.

The art is simple, expressive, to the point, effective. Text is the most important part in this memoir.

I have only praise for this one, and the problems only fill it with earnestness. I hope there's a future where I can read more from the author, and their personal portrayals of life.

8/10. Definitely gotta check out more memoirs, if they're this good.

The medium of manga is not widespread used for autobiography, which I’ve realized is a shame. Though this, of course, means immensely slice of life and lots of inner monologue, having visual expression to aid a person’s experience can be powerful. It also allows for a little more ‘show don’t tell’ than a standard autobiographical novel can achieve. It can lead to it appearing less compelling than fictional manga to a large portion of manga readers.

So what about *this* autobiographical manga specifically? The art is a simple and cute style that I’m not normally drawn to, but the type of story being told is ... so honest and specific I binged through the first volume. Though very specific to AFAB (assigned female at birth) genderqueer experience, it speaks greatly to the general female experience as well. Since it is the recounting of personal experiences, I can foresee a critique that the work feels heavy handed. What I argue in response to that, is that hearing these accounts, and specifically the emotional after affects, are what help bring a greater understanding to these issues (which is a theme in itself addressed in this manga).

The biggest strength of this work though, is that Pesuyama is not anyone of extraordinary caliber. It’s an inside scoop on celebrity life, it’s not that one in a million success story, or a prodigy, it is the story of an average human. This grounds the story into how these experiences could happen to absolutely anyone, and how even those not on societies pedestals deserve a voice.

The last important thing I’d like to note is that Pesuyama does not paint themself as a perfect person either. They have many regrets of their own behavior, recognize some things that may be their own interpretation, as well as their own problematic thought processes they internally struggle to fight against. This understanding of self actually makes it easier to want to root for them on their emotional journey.

Obviously there is still more of this manga coming, but as an AFAB genderqueer person myself, this resonated very deeply with me and can act as a great platform to further discuss sexism, gender roles, transphobia, and the importance of all the movements attached to these issues.