Jan 16, 2025
"I envied you who could laugh like that with a face like mine."
I first read this story three years ago, and I've reread it many times since. With a strange (slightly uncomfortable) initial plot, I was instantly drawn toward it. To my dismay, instead of a self-serving fetish, it ended up being something I haven't been able to shake from my thoughts for three years. I think about when I'm in some random gas station, or when I'm writing a research paper, or listening to music.
Sachio, a boy who curses himself for having the face of his scumbag father, can't stand his being. He
...
changes his outward appearance, he has sex with shitty strangers, he never gets close to anyone. He wants to be scolded. He wants someone to really see him, past human skin and past a warm body. What better way to learn to love yourself than being loved by the exact face you so utterly despise? A face you hate so much you tried to erase it. The face you hate is telling you that it loves you. How beloved is that?
There is a desperate plea that Sachio says to himself, which has weighed on me for years: "If they were really looking at me, they would have definitely scolded me. It doesn't matter who it is anymore... I want someone... I just...want someone to look at me."
We rip out so much of ourselves to live up to false ideals, and what our over-worrying minds tell us is true. We all hope and pray for someone to see the real us, and beg for only it. This is a story about accepting yourself, and accepting the love you, really, and I mean it, that you do deserve.
I want someone to see the real me. I want someone to tell me what's wrong, and what's right. I want someone to care enough to scold me. It's a beautiful story.
Reviewer’s Rating: 9
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