(MFF) Darkness Incarnation

Nov 9, 7:17 PM

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Dec 2023

Prologue: Ostracization

Aperion: “What do you mean, you’re breaking up with me? After all I’ve done for you and how I’ve treated you, you’re breaking up with me?”

It was supposed to be the best day of my life. I had been together with my girlfriend Thea, for nearly, five years now and had planned to propose to her. I had everything set and ready to go. Which included, dinner reservations for us at one of the finest restaurants to ever be established. Lo and behold though, I did not expect what I had just received when she called me.

Thea: “Yes, I’m breaking up with you because you aren’t the man I thought you were. You’ve lied to me many times and truly don’t care about me anymore. It’s over between us.”

Aperion: “I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I had plans for us this weekend for our 5th year anniversary. I even had dinner reservations for us at that fine dinning restaurant you’ve been wanting to go to and instead this?”

Thea: “I don’t care about any of that. It’s you, not me.”

Aperion: “You wanna go down that route? Fine! I may have lied to you, but I did my best to make up for it. You’re the one who hasn’t been there for me recently, but I’ve been more then willing to give you the benefit of the doubt because I thought you continued to love me, but now I see that, that was nothing more then a lie too I guess.”

Thea: “Yes, because I’ve actually been seeing someone else for a while now as I couldn’t take your lies anymore.”

My mouth dropped when I heard those words come out of her mouth. Despite my transgressions, I still loved her and had always made it up to her and then hearing those dagger piercing words come out just made me cringe.

Aperion: “You’ve been cheating on me? How dare you. I may have lied to you, but I never once cheated on you. I was always loyal to you. I can’t believe that you would stoop this low and stab me in the back like this. Let alone, twist the damn knife.”

Thea: “At least, this guy has never lied to me.”

Aperion: “Not yet, anyway, but that doesn’t matter. You’re right, I guess this ends right here and now then. We’re through! Good freaking luck, bitch!”

I then hang up the phone and block her number so that I never hear from her again. I then set my phone on the table and put my head in my face. I couldn’t believe that she had been cheating on me.

“How could she do this to me? I loved her. Well, her loss I guess.”

I then called the restaurant to cancel the reservation. After doing so, I decided to break out my whisky and then began drinking my sorrows away. I never had a drinking problem nor was I an alcoholic, but she had pushed me over the edge. Her betrayal had left a huge bitterness in me and it made me feel indifferent.

After guzzling down my entire pint of whisky. I found myself passing out on my sofa and fell into a deep sleep. Little did I know though that my entire life was not only about to change but take a 180 turn. Rather it would be for the worst or best would be up to me. At least to a certain extent.

After being passed out for several hours. I woke up to the sounds of chains. I notice to at how cold it is and notice that I’m on a cold stone floor and not my sofa that I originally, fell asleep on. As my eyes adjust to my surroundings. I see that I’m in a prison cell with a prison collar around my neck and chained to the wall along with my legs as well.

“Oh gods’, did I go out and do something stupid last night after drinking that entire pint of whisky? If I did something that stupid, I’ll never let it down.”

Just then, I hear a loud noise and it’s the prison door opening and I see a guard coming in and notice that it’s a woman, but no ordinary woman at that. She was tall and very muscular and had hooves and horns? She approaches my cell door and opens it.

“What the hell is this shit? Who the hell are you?

Guard: “Silence, slave.”

She then slaps me across the face. Her slap was brutal, but it didn’t knock me out but would have if she had gone full force. She then unhooks the chains from the wall and forces me up.

Aperion: “Where the hell are you taking me?”

Guard: “To the slave market of course, human. You and several other human males are about to be auctioned off to the highest bidder.”

Aperion: “You can’t be serious? What kind of sick joke is this?”

She drags me yanks up the chain connected to the collar around my neck. Nearly choking me.

Guard: “Ignorant human. You think this is some kind of sick joke? Oh, I see now. You’re one of, “them”, aren’t you? You’re one of those male humans who now and then apparats out of thin air from the other world. You have some serious bad luck, my friend. It seems your gods’ have abandoned you and now, you’ll live the rest of your life as a slave. Almost makes me pity you. Enough talk, the market awaits to deliver your fate.”

She then pulls hard and forces me outside where the slave market awaits. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but something told me that my reality was about to have a major alternate shift. Rather it be for the better or the worse but considering my ex’s recent betrayal. How could it?

Nov 9, 9:10 PM

tygertyger

Offline

May 2013

1518

It starts! Been a while since we had a new story start up around here, so I'm glad to see it.

Some notes:
*Your spelling, grammar, and sentence structure seem on point, so no problems there.
*There are a couple of places where you use "rather" where I think you mean "whether." Might I suggest making multiple editing passes before you post -- as in, finish writing, let it sit for a day, and edit again when it's not so fresh in your mind that your brain auto-fills what you intended to write. This will help with wrong-word and missing-word errors.
*Dialogue is the biggest problem I see. The way you're doing it -- identifying the speaker and then putting in the dialogue -- isn't necessarily wrong, but for me it pulls me out of the story. I see what this is trying to accomplish, namely avoiding confusion about who is speaking, but that's why you start a new paragraph whenever you change speakers, and you're already doing that. Standard dialogue tags ("s/he said") are fine, just don't put too many of them into one paragraph.

"When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling

Nov 9, 10:59 PM

YummyLunches

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Jul 2008

4308

It's exciting to see the start of a new story. I wonder what awaits at the slave market.

Nov 10, 4:30 AM

Apeiron0

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Dec 2023

Reply to tygertyger

@tygertyger I actually, do my typing in word and not on here but yeah, I'll look it over a few more times before posting and I did use autocorrect as well.

I'll try to make the dialogue better but the reason I chose it this way was because I didn't wanna do the whole color thing as that's a pain in the ass to do.

Nov 10, 10:35 AM

mugen91

Offline

Jan 2013

496

It has indeed been quite a while since we had a new story starting up. Will be looking forward to seeing how things develop.

In general, I concur with Tyger. The writing looks good, though the dialogue format might be a little awkward. If you were worried about having to do the colours, that is strictly optional (as you mentioned, it can be quite a bit of a pain to do it, after all).

Nov 11, 5:33 AM

Apeiron0

Offline

Dec 2023

Chapter 1: Out of Freedom

As I’m pulled out of the prison and into the sun outside. I’m hit with the bright light, forcing me to sneeze a few times. As my sight adjusts to the outside light of the world. I’m absolutely flabbergasted as to what I’m seeing. I see many females with anamorphic forms. As well as forms of certain mythological beings. I.e. I see the likes of lamia, succubi, mermaids, inari, and not to mention that the guard who dragged me out is literally, a minotaur.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I genuinely thought I was still dreaming and that this couldn’t be real. Either I had died and somehow overdosed from drinking that entire pint of whisky due to alcohol poisoning, or I had become the male interpretation of Alice from Alice in Wonderland and had fallen down the rabbit hole. Just like Alice, I was left with many questions and nothing in the world seemed to make sense.

Another thing I realized as the guard took me to wherever she was. Was that I noticed that the only males I saw were not only human but were slaves. Slaves to these entities that were all female and not a single male with anamorphic forms. What kind of fucked up world had I stumbled into?

I was about to make the joke in my head that feminists had taken over and I had somehow, stumbled into a worm hole and went forward in time, and now men had been taken as slaves, but I then remembered that the minotaur guard stated that I was from, “that world.” She must have referred to Earth since she also stated that human men would every now and then apparat from there, to here out of literal, thin air. Just what the hell had I gotten myself into?

Anyway, the guard took me to a tent where I saw that other human males were being cleaned and prep for something, and that something told me that it wasn’t good. She then shoved me into the tent and presented me to a few women water like entities. They were literally made from water, and it was then that I realized that they were Undine’s, the water element, and I couldn’t deny, they looked quite beautiful.

The guard then spoke, “Here’s the one that was in the prison, sisters. Make sure he’s cleaned well and prepared for the auction at the market.”

One Undine then grabbed my wrist and pulled me into the water. They then tore the rags I was wearing, and I was fully nude before them as they began cleaning me. Oh yeah, I should mention that when I awoke in the prison. Not only was I filthy, even though I showered yesterday but I wasn’t in my original attire. I was in rags and nothing more. Forget Alice in Wonderland, it was now clear in my mind that I must be in Tamriel. You know, the Elder Scrolls?

Anyway, after the sisters had cleaned me thoroughly and I mean, very thoroughly. They dried me off and then this one woman approached me. I noticed as I was being cleaned that she was examining the other males. Including a certain package downstairs if you know what I mean? She then began to examine me as well.

She examined every aspect of me. From the color of my eyes and hair. My facial features, which was that of a baby face since it ran very strongly with the males in my family, my dad’s side, subsequently. Along with my muscles, my arms, my stomach, my legs. I should also mention that this world has had some kind of effect on my body. I was more muscular and more defined than I was before. Which was impossible because it had been a few years since I last worked out. Even my eyesight was corrected, and I could literally, see far away way better now. As if I had perfect 20/20 vision.

Anyway, she eventually began examining a certain other aspect of my body. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, my dick. She used some kind of magic to make it fully erect and hard immediately. She must have been some kind of sorceress. Given the fact that she was dressed entirely in black and wore what seemed to be like a typical witch’s hat and bare some kind of staff in her left hand.

She then measured my dick in its full erection, and I felt completely embarrassed. Even though I would be considered over average as I was six inches long but the fact that I was in a world that I had no knowledge of, was being dragged out of a prison and cleaned by these entities which felt normal to them, being prepared for a slave auction and to rub salt in the wound, examined by this dark sorceress, including my package length. Somewhere, Thea was no doubt with her new boyfriend, laughing their ass’s off right now at my dismay.

Ugh! So, after she examined me. She then rubbed some kind of lotion all over my dick and balls and I swear to the gods’. She was getting off at touching and groping my cock and balls as she rubbed that lotion over it. I then felt a hot tingle run through my groin and balls. “What the hell? What did you do to me?”

She chuckled as it felt like my cock was getting even harder by the minute. Even the Undine sisters were blushing at my embezzlement. The sorceress then stated, “It’s a lotion made from aphrodisiac. Designed to keep you fully erect and hard for several hours. We gotta show off all your aspects and goods to our guests so we can sell you for every bronze, silver, and gold that you’re worth.”

I was then seething with pure, raw anger. I wanted to eradicate her and this world or whatever it was that I stumbled into. “You think I’m some kind of consolation prize? Or some kind of expensive vase that you can just simply auction off to? How fucking dare, you witch? I will not stand for this.”

Her joyful face then turned into anger and everyone else in the tent had a frightful look on their faces upon hearing my outburst. She then smacked me hard across the face and then put a different collar around my neck. “You listen and listen well, boy. I don’t know how things work in your world, but you’re no longer there. You’re in our world now and in this world. Men are the domicile and we, the mamono are the rulers and you will do as you’re told, and yes, you will be sold like a vase if that’s what it comes down to. You should be grateful because if you’re lucky enough. You might end up with a descent mistress who might take care of you, but given your recent outburst, you’ll be lucky enough to end up in the hands of a Marquis.”

I recovered from her smack but still had the look of defiance on my face. She chuckled once again. “Well, still defiant, eh? You’ve got spirit and literal, balls, I’ll give you that. You’re not like the other countless men that have been sold, not even the ones from your world. You have a backbone. Since you do, I’ll be kind enough to give you one piece of advice, human. Show that defiance when you’re up for auction and you might end up with a suitable mistress. Then again, you might just be bought by some Count that will use you just for her own nourishment.”

She then petitioned to have a guard which looked like a lizard woman putting a chain on my new collar and escorted me to the auction house. Once we arrived, she hooked me up to a line of men who were waiting to be called out to be auctioned off, and yes. Much like yours truly, they too were all nude and fully erect thanks to that sorceress lotion. I had never been so humiliated in my life. I didn’t know what awaited me when it was my turn but eventually, after hearing the announcer auction off all the other males before me. I soon then realized that I was the last to be auctioned off as the announcer called my number and I was on stage.

“Well, here we go. I guess all I can do is take that woman’s advice and hope for the best. Amayamon, give me strength.”

Nov 11, 3:00 PM

mugen91

Offline

Jan 2013

496

Well, things are moving quite quickly. Off to be sold by the second chapter, I see.

I will interested to see who the MC ends up with. The mamono in this world do seem quite hostile so far. Are you aiming for a variant on the shared setting (while keeping it freeform) or is it something completely different? Is this universe more closely aligned with canon rules, for example?

Overall, it reads a little strange when the MC can very easily identify the species of all the mamono and seems to be taking things quite in stride from the moment he is taken into the tent until his outburst. But, who knows, maybe you will add something in the coming chapters that will shed some light on that.

Anyway, keep going :)

Nov 11, 4:34 PM

YummyLunches

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Jul 2008

4308

Things are coming along. Maybe some mamono like the feisty.

Nov 11, 4:50 PM

Apeiron0

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Dec 2023

Reply to mugen91

@mugen91 It'll still be free form but kind of like an alternate universe from the general rules if you get what I mean and yeah, I'm gonna try to slow it down a little once the first girl is introduced in the next chapter. As for the MC being able to identify some of them is because of his love for mythology which is what I didn't think to add.

Nov 11, 4:50 PM

#10

Apeiron0

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Dec 2023

Reply to YummyLunches

Things are coming along. Maybe some mamono like the feisty.

@YummyLunches The first mamono will be introduced in the next chapter.

Nov 12, 8:08 PM

#11

tygertyger

Offline

May 2013

1518

Well, now. It seems our protagonist is in quite the predicament. You're not wasting any time getting to the action, and that's a good thing. And the use of the noble titles is a good bit of worldbuilding; that plus the existence of slave auctions gives the reader some useful information about the setting. So far your pacing seems to be working out just fine, and you're doing a good job of managing chapter length so far.

And now for some notes:
1) "Anamorphic" is a type of distortion lens used to create certain in-camera effects. I suspect you meant, "anthropomorphic."
2) "Apparat" -- do you mean "apparate" a la Harry Potter (seeing as "apparat" is a type of organization)? This is an example of how using a fancy word can trip you up when a simple word would work better. "Appear" would be a better choice in this case.
3) "I swear to the gods'. She was getting off..." No need for the apostrophe; you only need that for possessives and contractions. And the period there should be a comma while the "s" in "she" need not be capitalized. The dialogue at the end of this paragraph is well executed, though; you correctly determined that no dialogue tag was needed.
4) "How fucking dare, you witch?" The comma should come after "you" rather than "dare." The comma goes where the pause would go if the line was spoken -- stuff like this is why writing instructors frequently suggest that you read your dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds right.
5) "I don't know how things work in your world, but you're no longer there." YES! You used these exactly right! The former is possessive, the latter is a contraction!
6) "You might end up with a descent mistress..." The word used here is dee-SENT, but the word intended was DEE-sent, which has no "s" in it.
7) "You've got spirit and literal, balls..." No need for the comma here.

Again, I encourage you to let each chapter percolate for at least a day before doing another editing pass. If it's too soon you'll see what you intended to write instead of what you actually wrote. Spell check won't find a wrong-word error if you spell that word correctly.

"When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling

Nov 13, 5:19 AM

#12

Apeiron0

Offline

Dec 2023

Reply to tygertyger

@tygertyger Yeah, I'm definitely, seeing the problems and the word apparate, I couldn't get right with the spell check. I'll keep a closer eye on my words as much as I can. I take it that you're an English major huh?

Nov 14, 11:04 AM

#13

Apeiron0

Offline

Dec 2023

Chapter 2: And Into Slavery?

I’m the last slave to be auctioned off, to my dismay. I put on my defiant look and with no other choice, approach the audience. The auctioneer describes my body to the audience as I approach her. She’s very short and looks like a racoon or so as she has the ears and tail of one.

“Ladies, our final slave to be sold today is the most impressive one that I’ve seen in a while.” She then approaches and describes me. “Muscular! A strong man for your daily needs. Very well-toned. Blue eyes and short dark brown hair, and some nice facial hair to boot, but above all ladies, look at this.” She then points to my dick of course. “6 inches long when fully erect. The longest we’ve had today. No doubt, this fine stud will satisfy you in the bed if so desired.” She then steps away. “With all that said and done, let’s start the bidding. We’ll begin at 5,000 bronzes. Do I have 5,000 bronzes?”

I look out in the audience and there’s a variety of different kinds of ladies and their unique features. The first to capture in on me with the 5,000 bronzes is what seems to look like a harpy. “5,000 bronzes,” says the harpy. “I have 5,000 bronzes from the harpy,” says the auctioneer. “Do I have, 10,000 bonzes?”

“I will give 20,000 bonzes for the man,” said a centurion like creature. Who I at first thought was a unicorn or some kind of alternate version as it seemed her horn was split. Plus, she didn’t seem to be of purity. Which are what unicorns are supposed to represent. “20,000 bronzes from the bicorn. Do I have 40,000 bronzes?”

“I will give 5,000 silvers,” said a small girl in the front row. She was small with blue skin who looked like an imp or so. “5,000 silvers from the devil. We are now in the silver range. Do I have 10,000 silvers?”

“15,000 silvers,” said a dark tanned and scantily clad woman who had a huge battle ax in her hand and wore a skull on her head. I could only assume that she no doubt had to be an orc. “15,000 silvers to the high orc. Let’s keep it going ladies, we are on a role.”

“30,000 silvers for the stud,” said a lamia in the 3rd row. “30,000 silvers from the lamia. How about 60,000 silvers?”

“I will give 10,000 gold for the blood bank.” My heart skipped a beat when I heard that phrase. I looked forward to where that voice came from and saw several rows back a vampire. She was the last kind of person I wanted to be auctioned off to. “Ahh, Count Lanaria,” said the auctioneer. “So good of you to join us today. 10,000 gold from Count Lanaria. Do I have 20,000 gold?”

The previous bidders shook their heads, signaling defeat. However, other high-class officials were now beginning to weigh in on the auction. “I will give 30,000 gold for the mortal.” I looked out and saw what looked like a succubus. Her beauty was unlike anything that I had ever seen. I couldn’t deny and my cock began to throb uncontrollably. She took notice and licked her lips. “Lady Layal, welcome back. 30,000 gold from Lady Layal. Do I have 60,000 gold?”

“100,000 gold for the meat bag.” This next voice literally echoed throughout the entire room with great power and authority. I looked and saw what looked like a woman as a dragon. Her red scales and mighty wings and tail were a clear sign as such. “Draconis Rubina,” said the auctioneer. “It’s a true honor to have a member of the mighty dragon clan amongst us. 100,000 gold for the mortal. Do I hear 200,000?”

“200,000,” said Lady Layal. “You’re not getting your hands on this one Rubina. He’s mine.”

“300,000,” said Rubina. “I need him to guard my cave. I swear to the all-father of my kind that you won’t have him just to be your bed slave, Layal.”

The two started bickering amongst each other and making a mockery out of themselves. I just rolled my eyes as this was getting out of control and told myself, “Oh Christ, just get this over with already.” Then, the Count clocked in on the bid again. As if she read my mind and wanted to grant me my wish.

“750,000 gold,” said Count Lanaria. Both Layal and Rubina dropped their jaws when they heard the Count make that bid. “750,000 gold from Count Lanaria.” Layal and Rubina sat down in defeat as it seemed they couldn’t outbid the Count now.

“750,000 gold from Count Lanaria. Do I have 1,500,000 gold?” I looked at the Count and she smiled at me while licking her lips. It seemed what remaining luck I may have had finally ran out. It seemed like the magician girl was right. Despite trying to be defiant. It looked like I would end up in the hands of a Count after all.

“750,000 going once.” The Count slightly showed her fangs to me as she tipped over her empty goblet that she held. Indicating that she was hungry for blood. My blood. “750,000 going twice.” This was it; my fate was sealed. I would not only live the rest of my life as a slave but as a blood bank for a vampire. I waited to hear the magic word until another voice rose from the audience before the gavel could be brought down.

“5,000,000 gold.” The entire room went silent. Even the auctioneer was frozen in place. It was so quiet in the room that you could hear a pen drop. The Count, who I couldn’t’ take my eyes off since it seemed clear that she would be the one to claim me as her prize was frozen in fear. To the point that her goblet literally fell out of her hand and onto the floor. She and everyone else turned around and in the shadows at the far back of the room. Staring back at me were two amberlike eyes, with slit pupils, and I’m not gonna lie. Those eyes not only made my skin crawl but the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Something told me that something much more powerful than the Count had just made the biggest bid on me.

The auctioneer gulped hard and then spoke. “Queen Nayat.” Coming out of the shadows was another lamia creature, but she was completely different from the previous one. Her skin was pure purple. Her lower serpent half was a mix between purple and black. She wore jewelry on her forehead that resembled a crown. Not to mention that she was almost fully nude if not for the jewelry that covered her nipples and vagina. Her black and reddish hair reached all the way down to her ass to the point that it covered it. I was both terrified and yet intrigued by her. Her beauty is what intrigued me but what terrified me was that she appeared to be like a cobra with the hood behind her head that cobras have. She also had two others standing beside her. One that closely resembled that of Anubis and the other a Sphinx.

The auctioneer gulped again and spoke. “Queen Nayat. Please, let me make sure I heard you correctly. You bid 5,000,000 gold on this man?” The queen looked straight at the auctioneer as if she was annoyed by having to repeat herself. “Ramoon,” said the queen. “I trust you know how tedious it is for me having to repeat myself?”

The auctioneer, now known as Ramoon, quickly cleaned up her act. “Yes, yes, your highness. Forgive my tediousness. I trust that there’s no one here to increase the bet? Count Lanaria?” The Count didn’t even budge. All she could do was give an angry expression to the queen. With no one left to bid, Ramoon closed the bidding. “5,000,000 gold, sold to Queen Nayat. That concludes our auction for this month ladies. Hope to see you next month.”

Everyone in the room quickly made themselves scarce, especially Ramoon. The queen then looked at me with a hint of lust in her eyes. She then came closer to me and made herself rise to reach me on the stand. I gulped hard as I gazed upon her with a sense of fear in my eyes. She sensed this but offered me some reassurance. “You needn’t fear me, my delicious man. If you serve me well, no harm will come to you. What’s your name, stud boy?”

It took me a moment to find my voice again before I could answer her. “Apeiron! My name is, Apeiron, your highness.” She giggled, which sent a cold shiver running down my spine. “Apeiron! What an interesting name. We will have much to talk about tonight, my delectable morsel.” She then lowered herself and turned her attention to the sphinx. “Neith, make sure Apeiron is dressed and prepared well before brought to my tent tonight.”

The sphinx bowed and replied, “Of course, my queen.” Nayat then looked at me again and then slithered away along with the Anubis. I then came down from the stand and stood by the sphinx. “My name is, Neith. I am one of the many servants to Queen Nayat. Come, let us take you to get ready for tonight’s festivities. Our queen will be expecting you soon.”

“What will happen to me now that I’ve been purchased?” I said to her. She gave me a smile before fully turning around. “The queen has big plans for you. While I don’t know her full agenda. I know that she sees potential in you, or she wouldn’t have gone out of her way to purchase you with such a heavy cost, but it’s not my place to question my queen’s decisions. That’s up to her and her alone, but let’s not worry about that now. We must make haste and get you ready, for my queen doesn’t like to be kept waiting and can be very impatient as you saw with Ramoon earlier. Come, let’s be on our way.”

We both then leave the auction house and make our way to the other side of the market. On the other side there are a variety of different tents of different structures. Many other mamono are wondering about with their slaves. Many appear to be of noble and high status as I saw earlier in the auction house. Eventually, we reach a medium size tent, that sits next to one of the most decorative tents I’d ever seen. It bore ancient markings and fine colors that seemed like from Ancient Egypt or so. We both entered the tent and stood two beautiful women and much to my shock, they were genuinely human.

Neith removed my bonds, then instructed the two women. “Girls, the queen has requested that her new slave boy is to be properly prepared and dressed for her evening with him. He must be ready by twilight.” She then turns to me for a moment. “I will await you to take you to her highness once you’re ready, Apeiron.” She then leaves and the ladies take me to the dressing room. They take some measurements of me and prepare what looks like robes which also seem like Ancient Egyptian. Could I have stumbled into the past of an alternate universe? Only Queen Nayat could give me the answers that I sought.

After some time had passed and twilight was upon us. I emerged from the tent in the finest robes that one could offer. I honestly felt like royalty, but I was a slave, and it angered me still. I had lived as a free man up until I had somehow stumbled into this unknown world and cast into slavery. I felt like Moses in a way. Lived as one thing my entire life, only to be thrusted into another that I didn’t ask for.

Neith then approached me and gazed upon my new attire. “My, my, you look like a prince or a high priest, the queen will be very pleased. Come, she awaits you.” She took me over to the huge tent and we entered. The inside was much grander than the outside was.

It was decorated with the finest of silks and furniture. There were statures of naked women and many lines of gold, silver, and rare gems that decorated the inside. Neith then took me to a set of strings with many gemstones that functioned as a door. She then spoke through them. “My queen, I have brought Apeiron.”

“Excellent, Neith. You are dismissed. Apeiron, please enter.” Neith then excused herself and I take a deep breath and then enter. The room I entered seemed to be the queen’s bed chamber. The room is filled with the smell of incense and lit with many candles. I enter deeper and find Nayat sitting on a chair. Holding a chalice in her hand made from pure gold. She then smiles at me. “Welcome, Apeiron. We have much to talk about, for I know you have many questions about this world and why you’re here, and I shall provide the answers you seek.”

Nov 14, 11:27 AM

#14

mugen91

Offline

Jan 2013

496

Difficult to put it into relation of course, but it seems our MC has fetched quite the price. Even were one to assume a single gold (coin?) to weigh a measly 1 gram, that would convert to a good 400 m €. Hardly pocket change, even to a queen. Perhaps that will be a good thing and result in favorable treatment. Realistically, a gold coin would likely weight a lot more than that.

It seems at least the queen has some plans for our MC. I suppose we will learn more in the next chapter.

Nov 14, 11:56 AM

#15

tygertyger

Offline

May 2013

1518

Reply to Apeiron0

"I take it that you're an English major huh?"

I'm actually a semi-pro author. I have professional publication credits, though not enough to be able to join SFWA (Science Fiction/Fantasy Writers of America) and certainly not enough to count it as even a side-hustle. I even have a novel series that I really should get around to finishing. Not that I stand head and shoulders above others here talent-wise, far from it; I frequently see stuff on this board that I wish I'd thought of. If I do have an edge it's in my experience as an editor, and I'm happy to share that expertise with the group.

"When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling

Nov 14, 12:10 PM

#16

tygertyger

Offline

May 2013

1518

Bought by an apophis, eh? [sarcasm]No, that's not going to be rough at all.[/sarcasm] Our protagonist brought quite the price, though, so the good news is that he is valued far too highly for Queen Nayat to be careless about his well-being.

My only note for this chapter is on dialogue; remember to start a new paragraph every time you change speakers.

"When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling

Nov 14, 5:04 PM

#17

YummyLunches

Offline

Jul 2008

4308

Interesting in this world the dragons have an all-father. Queen Nayat sure saw something really good in the MC. Sure he'll have a fun time.

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