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Yes, if someone cannot do their job properly, they are not fit to be a psychologist. What kind of job are you wanting? I'm not sure if I've asked before. I see. It would be unpleasant to be hospitalized. But if you are under surveillance at a hospital, then killing yourself would be hard. That is their reasoning. You are free to talk to me about such thoughts. I was threatened to be hospitalized for an eating disorder, so I got rid of it. I just really didn't want to go to the hospital, so I forced the disorder to go away. It is strange. However, I am sure those who get hospitalized for suicidal thoughts (and do not want to go there) claim after a while that they don't have such thoughts anymore, just to go home. Yes, you're right. And when you are just being honest with them, they will blame it on something that it isn't. When I said I wanted to go to jail (and of course I meant it), the psychologist responded with "Are you depressed?" No, I'm not, and I wasn't. There were reasons why I wanted to go, logical ones. They interpret your words as they please. Yes, there is no use in lying to a professional. Though I don't even know how to lie. Yes, I think it was a delusion, as well. It is hard to explain past thoughts. Your last message does come off as you being psychotic. And sometimes psychotic people are misdiagnosed with PTSD. However, there are psychotic disorders in which a person has no hallucinations and just has delusions. I'm glad you don't hallucinate. Yes, I've had that feeling for a long time now. I feel I know something huge that others don't know, and I can't put it into words. I was always hoping someone would figure it out and realize just what I know. Ah, I see. Yes, power and passion are important. And only my lover can inhabit my mind. I believe inhabiting someone's mind is romantic, so yes, it should only be done between lovers. Do you love your family? That's understandable. But please, try not to worry about people getting inside your head. Whenever I get delusions, I worry about that, but later realize there was no reason to, because people cannot read my facial expressions properly, therefore how could they read what I'm thinking? They stare at me like they are confused. Yes, I do. What antipsychotic pills did you take? I take Seroquel, and it works perfectly. No side effects and my hallucinations/delusions vanish. Of course, they will only come back when I stop taking it, but while taking it, I feel much better. A racing heart sounds like an uncommon side effect. I see, it is too bad your medicine did that to you. I had to take several different pills before using Seroquel, and I got side effects on all the other ones. Do you think it is because of your OCD? Is that getting any better, by the way? Were your suicidal thoughts caused by the medicine you took? Yes, it makes sense not to trust them. And no one wants to go to the hospital. Therapists can't help much. They just say the same things. But it is good you are at least giving them a chance.

I'm not!

I'm glad you're back!

Well, I don't have much to talk about, if not someone's mind. But I agree with you, psychologists and psychiatrists are terrible people, and medicine indeed turns you into a zombie. As for me, I want to be a psychologist people can actually rely on, without any weird shit involved. Psychologists act all arrogant and try to convince you that you're wrong. But it does not make a person "wrong" if they believe things that others do not believe, or if they think things that others don't think. Professionals are often incompetent. I see myself as someone who knows what I'm doing, at least, and the things I do seem to work, whatever they may be. Hm, it would help if you could put it into words. What is the job, if you don't mind? I don't believe someone's given me powers. I've just always had the ability to do many things. And I am a higher being. I am aware they're just delusions of grandeur. And delusions of grandeur only suit those who are actually capable of doing big things. Therefore they suit me, because I am a powerful being. It is rather useless for useless people to have such delusions. They are akin to a bag of air--puffy, yet incapable of doing anything important. Well, sometimes I feel that I can predict the future. Yes, I am the same, I know things that others do not. That is, the truth about the world and the people in it. And indeed, everyone is trying to get inside our minds. But they can no longer get inside mine, because someone is already inhabiting it, for I wanted them to. However, most people are too preoccupied with themselves to care about getting information from you. I'm sure most psychologists and psychiatrists are focused on when their work will end for the day. Rather than helping you, they do useless shit and give horrible advice. I believe I am the only one who can actually give others decent advice. I don't feel like a zombie on my antipsychotics. I feel great, in fact, and the hallucinations are gone. Of course, they will return once I get off the medicine. I had to go a day without it and I became delusional and paranoid very quickly. It's not good to get off medicine for even a day or it will all come back. Medicine is used to manage things, but isn't the long term solution. And if you feel like a zombie on certain medicine, it would be best to change it.

I see, well I'm sorry to hear that. Glad to see you'll be coming back though.

Why did you change your name? I noticed you mentioned it in your About Me section that you'd be changing it back to the original.

It's understandable. There are irrational paranoid people and rational ones, I suppose. Though, it is a shame you deleted your message, as I didn't save it anywhere....

what's up lol

yeah, that'd be cool. so what's up lol I'm watching FMAB right now hbu?

ah I see, no problem, I just saw we had several friends in common. but that's okay.

I wanted to comment but didn't know what to write.

?

I actually sleep with my feet, practically, against the door to my room (I layed down a balnket to sleep on and have a cushion under my butt to prevent it from hurting, my <60 kg wieght seems to focus a lot of my wieght on my ass when laying down, and wierdly enough it's really bothersome despite me being so light, so it needs some extra comfort),
so anything that would come to me at night would wake me up. I wasn't really "afraid" to sleep before that but it did have a certain unsafe feeling before I started doing this. Like I was undefended and open to anything, despite being a fairly light sleeper.

Oh, the amount of sleep I get is fine, sorry for the misunderstanding, I just choose to not get any during vacation to have more time for my hobbies, since I don't need to do physical work all day I don't really need the rest.

I have a pretty bad story about being interested in someone or not, but I'm not really ever in the mood to discuss that part of myself in depth. I did so only once with my sister and that's all I'll ever need to say about it. My sister's pretty great and probably a part of what helped me get out of my neutrality (well, she became great around the time she left the house, she changed pretty drastically around that time and there was way less tension and rivalry between us). She was my way of getting it out there, I never wrote anything on paper, but I was already getting out of it by myself at the time I was talking to her, I just think she sped it up, but maybe she actually helped me not fall back into it.
She was just willing to listen and easy to talk to, and instead of trying to help she talked about problems (when I was done talking and she was done asking questions about it) she had that were very different, and only sometimes the same in some small way. It just felt like we were both being honest.
The reason this is still in my mind is because those problems are still a part of her life, if they weren't these conversations would likely fade from my mind, like all our conversations about faith have.

I have an obsession with being myself and making my own decisions, it's why I don't drink (or do drugs).

But I don't really think about what got me out of my neutrality that much, which is probably a good thing, but what got me out of depression was a lack of feeling anything, which wasn't much more comfortable.
The causes and effects of "stopping", for lack of a better word coming to mind, with neutrality kind of blend together.

And good luck sleeping. It really doesn't sound nice to be afraid to sleep (in the dark at night). Do you have a general fear of the dark night or is it only sleep related?

I absolutely adore the manga Saezuru Tori wa Habatakanai. I highly recommend it as I believe it has themes that I think you would greatly appreciate and/or find interesting. I often explore the themes of sadomasochism and D/s relations in a lot of the media I consume, along with elements of gore. I can’t say I’m too much of a fan of senseless gore though as it renders itself cheap in its lack of merit. Having said that, if it’s well drawn I’ll probably enjoy looking at anything.

Thank you for the friend request. Perhaps we can talk on Discord sometime.