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Hello Adam, I am incredibly sorry for not replying for nearly half a year and vanishing from the face of the earth without further notice. Things have been rather strange and to tell the truth, around the time of our last conversation, I fell into a pit that I am still trying to somehow find my way out of. It is a bit ironic, if I am allowed to say. Because I think the same thing that happened to you, that I assume caused the end of our conversation four years ago, happened now to me. You would think that after a certain point of brokeness, things can't fall apart even further, but that is a misconception. I guess travelling to the underworld is indeed not a phenomenon exclusive to mythology and more common and apparent in our life and psyche than we would like it to be. That being said, perhaps there is inherent value on its own in such an experience and it might even be transformative in one way or another. I had to confront very personal and intimate issues that lingered in the shadow for most of my life and feel even at time a bit more whole having done so. Although my psyche still feels really fragile and I am feverishly nervous at times. Sorry, I am sure it doesn't make much sense, I just found no other way to start my long overdue reply, atleast not one that would have been in allegiance with honestness and integrity. I received an email that you wished me a happy birthday. I have to say however, that it wasn't my birthday, that one is in december. But if I suffered a kind of death, then may that be a symbolic return to life, slowly. I appreciate you commented bro. How are you doing these days? Has life been treating you well and are you coping with the issues you were dealing with? Life can be rough. I hope you are taking care of yourself and are surrounded by people who nuture you with love, warmth and closeness.

I understand what you mean when you talk about a tendency to get stuck into your own head. And it is really strange how that what was innocent in ones youth, manifested itself as, at times, tragically difficult. How do you find a way out of your head?
I appreciate you expressing gladness that I am here. That is honestly a very kind thing to tell someone. The same goes for you. Coming back to mal is a very strange experience and it feels like treading on a graveyard where joys, dreams and friends of the past are burried. To see a kindred spirit is still around, it is solacing. I am glad you are here Adam.

Yes that makes sense. Sometimes I get into moods where I can only tolerate listening to one song on loop, only to then put it safely and carefully into a drawer, together with the memories and feelings associated with it, and then open that occassionaly. It is pretty awesome you are going to see Green Day live next year. It is insane The Offspring does the opening act. That is pretty neat. Totally random, but what concert you attended did have the best pre-band? For me it must have been at a Death Cab for Cutie concert last year in march. Slow Pulp, a band I never even heard of before, did the opening, and totally had me in awe under their spell. There was a moment the lead singer pulled out a harmonica and I could have fallen hopelessly in love with her right in that moment. It is really lovely to discover music this way. As for the Green Day concert, I saw them in june in Hamburg this year and it was everything you could have wished for. It was open air and actually rain was forecasted and fell down heavily. However, the sky spared exactly the area of the concert. I forgot my poncho and stort there in a shirt, I did not get drenched in the slightest. Not that I would have minded. And a wonderful rainbow crossed the sky right above us, Billie himself was even in awe. I saw Blink, Sum 41 and Green Day live now. My teenage self would can rest at ease now. After the concert I got into such a nostalgic mood, that I listened for weeks to some songs from their two nights in tokyo concert. While I have to admit liking their most popular songs best, it is still unbelievable what good of a band they are. Hope you will enjoy it as much as I will!

Yeah I had the same suspicious attitude towards Maverick, and I am glad I was totally proven wrong. That being said, I wish they wouldn't bring out a third movie. They are really pushing their luck now. But if it turns out similar to Maverick, I will not have said anything! I have to say I absolutely adore the way the entire cast of Karate Kid totally embraced the roles they played some 40 years ago. I mean, it is what got them famous and all, but Martin Kove being seen as evil or William Zabka embracing being just like Johnny Lawrence, while many credit him to be an absolute sweetheart, is just plain funny to me. How has your adventure into the realm of cinema been keeping up? Have you watched any of the movies we talked about or maybe something else that was interesting? I would love to hear about it if you feel like it. As for myself, the only movie I ended up watching in cinema this year happened to be Dune 2 and it was on such a terrible day, that I could barely focus on the movie. I remember liking it however. Other than that I watched some japanese movies I really liked as they tend to be rather melancholic and aesthetically very pleasing. I also happened to miss my days of travelling through Japan quite a bit, so immersing myself into the culture atleast cinematically, helped sooth that yearning a bit.

I found it really intruiging what you wrote about the personality about Kubrick and how he can be characterized as someone who is deeply interested in people but from a distance. It is quite fascinating how a difference in temparament and personality expresses itself so uniquely in the way art is crafted. That is why I could understand but never befriend the idea of the authors death. To me it is a means to express who we are in very sublime and subtle little ways, and to also understand and connect who and how others are. While Kubricks distant approach makes it a bit difficult to do, I still find it interessting to learn about him. There are many writers and filmmakers where it almost feels like they vomitted their very soul onto the paper or screen, and Kubrick is definetely not one of them. Also, since you have seen so much, what would you say is a scene from a movie that brings you the most profound sense of serenity? A scene that alone, in itself, seems to justify the folly and suffering of human conceit? I hope I did not talk about this before, sometimes I don't know what was only on my mind or what I already let out before, but for me it is the scene in Stalker by Tarkovsky, when they entered the zone and the stalker throws himself headfirst onto the long and drenched blades of grass. I remember when I watched it one night many years ago, that scene made me feel like I had an idea of what heaven would be like for a mere earthly moment. Also, is it just my perception or is the way Tarkovsky captured colors very unique? Especially the rainy green of grass and water. There is something calm, deep and warm about it. I wonder if there is something to it?
I have not ended up seeing the final rebuild movie yet. I wanted to rewatch Eva this summer but things happened and I think I lived in its themes a bit to deeply. Still, I hope by the time christmas comes around I can rewatch all of Evangelion and then at long last watch the last rebuild, together with Love and Pop. The other night I wanted to start it but my internet crashed, I saw that as a sign to wait haha. Did you like 3.0+1.0? And did we ever talk about the manga? I am sorry, usually my memory is almost eidetic, but my mind is so scattered. I honestly don't recall. But I really love the way they ended the manga of Evangelion. My brother once bought me the final volume and I reread it everytime I felt down. It really comes close to the way End of Evangelion wrapped things up, and that is saying something. It is almost a tad more hopeful and bittersweet even. The way Shinji embarks towards the future, honestly, I feel emotional just thinking about it now. I heard the last rebuild focuses a bit on Mari. I am not sure if I can bear it.

Yes exactly! And Crumb is I think the only movie that showcases the pitfall of the oedpial dilemma to that degree. The filmmaker, so I heard, was friends to the author, so they really got the chance to dive deep into the psyche of that person. I honestly wish there were more documentaries like that. I love understanding and getting to know people deeply and with all their complexities and multitudes they contain. I think it would be a very interesting ambition for any filmmaker or artist in general really. To attempt to portray just one person as fully and deeply as somehow possible.

I didn't know that the director of On The Silver Globe went through a divorce prior to filming it, but it really makes sense putting some scenes into that context. It feels oddly personal and intimate for a movie that operates on a seemingly grandiose scale. While I think I didn't like it as much as you do, I totally agree with you that it is a movie one cannot stop thinking about when finished. I pondered over the question what myths and stories a new civilization on another planet might base itself on. And that is honestly the surface of a question that reaches quite deeply into the human condition. Have you read some of C.G. Jung? As I had to confront some things in my life this year, I dived a bit into his work and thought and can honestly not believe how someone can be so absolutely brilliant. I mention that because I think he would find the same appeal in such a movie. Perhaps humanity, no matter on what planet, will never be able to outrun or escape that what defines them collective and unconciously as human. Yes, the movie did a good job with that. I heard about Possession, I didn't know it was by the same director, but with the little I heard of it, that makes total sense haha. If you feel comfortable, I would be interested in learning about how Possession helped you process that crucial and shattering experience in your life.

Have you started with Malick yet? I think watching it chronologically, can be appealing and a safe entry way. Especially considering how he and his worldview and his search through the camera developed. Personally, a hidden life was my entry into his work and you wouldn't be doing something wrong if you were to follow such a similar path. Many see The Tree of Life as his most complete. But honestly, just watch whatever you feel like (maybe not song to song and to the wonder at first) and you will be drawn into it regardless from what tree you enter his cathedral of a forrest.

I get what you mean, but I believe there is nothing cringeworthy about that review you wrote. But I constantly feel the same rereading my own writing, so I get you haha. And yes, you really did a fantastic job and it is no exaggeration seeing that review as an act of rebellion, because it is precisely how I perceived it at the time you wrote it aswell. I remember it quite well even. Eva was getting so much crap and spammed with terrible, borderline disgraceful reviews at a time I still really cared about stuff like that, and I remember how happy I was that you stood resistance against that. In my little shizophrenic imaginary hikkikomori head, it almost felt like the beginning of an artistic movement, the postevangelion brotherhood or something haha. On its potential wikipedia page it would have been written that it was founded the moment you dropped your review. It seems like we experienced it very similarily back then. To me it also was the first time to feel like part of a community and one I actually wanted to belong to aswell. Back then it also felt totally sufficent for things to be this way on mal. I know a lot of people joined skype groups etc, but I tend to not like that much. It often occurs that a certain group dynamic emerges and the innocence and the joy that brought people together is lost and gets corrupted. Though perhaps it would have been nice to be on the same discord, who knows what might have happened. I think all of us guys, felt the same more or less, it could have fostered that sense of community, but alas, it makes me happy that almost a decade later we are still talking. Some time later I was back on forum games, and a lot had changed. Most people were gone, a phenomenon that seems to hold true quite often, and the mentality of the people seemed to different one aswell. With the rise of discord, people migrated there very quickly and forum games turned into some kind of drama stage for stuff that happened behind the scenes. People seemed to have felt an immense need to make everything very personal, while I happened to enjoy the comfort of being my avatar so to speak. Suddenly it was more like the dynamics and social issues I escaped from, came onto the internet. Nowadays this site feels really empty, almost post apocalyptic. The anime community as a whole seems to have changed quite a bit aswell, or maybe the world, or life. Or me? I am sure people who started using mal back when it launched, felt the same way about our time as I do now about the present. Maybe one cannot go back, huh? I wonder, have you gotten around to finishing Punpun yet? The last sentence of the manga would be quite the fitting reference to make right now, but I will resist myself from doing so. But maybe right in this very moment, some 18 year old loner joins this site in hope to find some people with similar interest and explore more anime when he hears someone say: "Have you watched LOGH yet?". haha. I can totally imagine that Punpun hit a little too hard at a specific time in your life. Honestly back when I first read it I was a wreck for quite some time, perhaps I never really recovered even. Still, if you ever get around to finishing it, I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

I read over your message back when you sent it in april and I did now again, and both times I felt so incredibly touched reading about your work with the kids. It really sound like you experienced something valuable and innocent there, while living in accordance to one of your passions aswell. Stuff like re-enacting a spider man movie, it really shows the sense of wonder children remind us of, something we forgot or lost connection to growing up. I remember an internship I had to do at an elementary school and two boys ran around all day all excited, because they would meet up to play after school. At that moment they must have been the happiest humans on our planets. It was radiating to see how unfathomably excited, joyful and happy they were making up plans on how they would play together later aswell. It reminded me of feeling the same way when I was their age and how life felt sufficent just playing and having a friend to share that with. I really do believe that it is the child that will save the world. There is a common saying in pop-psychology talking about the inner child and it becomes cliched without being fully attended or understood. But I think if someone can foster and harbor just one happy memory from their childhood, that will one day save them and redeem them. Life can be really hard and dark and we might get lost. But redemption, through that archetype of the child, is always at hand. My favourite book, the brothers karamazov, captures that beautifully. Have you read it? Sorry I digress.
It cannot be stated nearly enough, but what you did for that 6 year old kid, was unbelievable man. And I am saying that as someone who once was in a similar situation as that kid, with the exception of nobody coming to that forrest to save me. I think that kid will in all his years never forget your simple act of kindness and care. You showed him that the world can be a place of kindness and trust. It is you who is a great guy. And also, imagining you to tell them japanese and south african folktales before bed made me laugh out loud. It is fascinating how immersed and attentive kids become when you tell them tales and stories! And honestly by the way you write about it and with the talent you have, it sounds like that is exactly what you are called to do in this world. Tell stories to children. Now, how that looks or manifests itself, that is the question, but honestly, that is a great thing to do! Have you thought about ways you might follow that idea or path?
To tell the truth, it has been six months now since I quit my job, and there are times I miss the kids really a lot. I visited my former workplace from time to time, since it is near my grandmothers place, and occassionaly some former kids who lived there visited at the same time. Their reactions have been very touching and it showed me that what I did mattered. To have caused something good in the life of a kid, one in trouble at that, honestly I feel eternally grateful I was given that opportunity. It feels like you have a sanctuary in their hearts, and there is some redemptive element to that.

I would have been surprised if you could have seen and done all there is to do in a city as enormous and vivid as New York City. And maybe I am strange, but I really love the feeling of getting lost in a city, a big one on other shore at that. When I was in Tokyo that feeling was overwhelming and absolutely peaceful. It really puts life and one self into perspective. And it is cool you went to the pizzeria from Spider-Man 2, it is little moments and sights like this that feel somewhat personal and meaningful. When I travel I often orientate myself at places I know from literature, movies, anime etc, and there is a sense of fullfilment to have been there. I was in Tuscany this summer with an old coworker, and we drove all the way to that famous spot from Gladiator. I instructed him carefully how to take that photo, and he totally butchered it. Simply because he didn't care to enter the field with his sandals. You can't imagine how difficult it was trying to stay calm on the drive back from there. And your last night there sounds absolutely phenomenal, especially as it happened on a whim and unplanned. I can't believe you saw My Chemical Romance live, that is honestly great. I can totally see how that was a cathartic experience and to be moved to tears from live music is a rare but deeply personally resonating experience. It only happened once to me where I was singing along with tears of both joy and sorrow. My Chemical Romance tends to be ideal for singing along, I can only imagine what that must have felt like live. When I am in the car and Welcome to the Black Parade starts playing, those 5 minutes are always cathartic and a thing of beauty. Did you meet any raven haired cutie there? ;) Also, did you find out where the ducks of central park go in winter?

It is always a bit disheartening and disllusioning to read about potential moral corruption, especially when it comes to a figure of hope like Mandela, but I suppose that just speaks for the reality of the world we are living in. And if you think about it, that kind of conflict is one we as a culture highly struggle to reconcile even today. We inherited a society and civilization that is mostly prosperous, secure and developed, but there is a huge shadow, almost like it was built on corpses and built by people who may have tainted their hands in the process. Do we meet that with gratitude or do we pull down statues of the past? It seems like through history a lot of hero myths, idealization and narratives are woven, that leave people in an almost schizophrenic kind of shock when they unravel that the reality is a little less ideal than that. Maybe it would be for the better to be both grateful and also justifiably sceptical and critical, refusing to idealize historic figures like that. And it seems that society struggles to do so, leaning more on exposing the flaws of everyone. It is more than ironic. Modern generations seem so aware of psychological issues, of mental struggles, of a shadow. Yet when confronting the reality of that shadow in the world, we expell it. I question if that is the way? Hence, I appreciate your perspective on Mandela. I relate to the collective sense of pride and community that was in the air during the world cup. 4 years prior, in 2006, it was in Germany as you probably know. It was probably the last summer in my life where the world still felt innocent and idyllic. I was 10 years old and it was wonderful to see the entire country, people who usually are cold and indifferent to each other, come together in joy and enthusiasm. It was really historic and it is like a collective memory for everyone who lived through it. When I talk to other people about it, their eyes almost shine like they are children, so fond are the memories of that summer. It was probably a more unifying experience than the fall of the Berlin Wall. I like how you describe the Cape of Good Hope as mythic, that is excatly how I imagine it. And funnily enough Adam, last april, a week after your message, I was actually in Norway and drove all the way up to the North Cape. From one end of the world to the other. And it was totally insane. I stayed in a wonderful hut by a fjord and had to drive around 3 hours up there. I woke up from the sunlight shining through the window at around 3 am (the time of the midnight sun was coming closer) and decided to head there on a whim, after I postponed it for some days, and even for all my previous visits. I was still very tired and drove through plateaus and snow desserts, roads with iceblocks on them. It was like a scene from Hoth. And along the coast. On one side was azure ocean, on the other mountain terrain that made you feel like you were driving on the moon. I reached there before the opening hours of the center (before all the tourists would come there in busses) and the cold arctic wind blew so mercilessly into my face, that it woke me up entirely. Standing on the furthest anchor point of the continent, to gaze over the sea and know there follows nothing, what a feeling. I was very excited to tell you about it, sorry that so much water flowed down the river since.
As for what living in Germany is like, I fear that I am too detached to give a neutral and objective enough take on it. German people are very cold, distant and pragmatic. The country also feel really divided, especially in modern times, about nearly everything. But what country doesn't? I also feel like we are incredibly uncultured. But sorry, I am really the worst kind of person to report about germany. There is a reason I live retreated on the countryside. I don't feel particullary connected to my country. When I was at college before, I was chosen to hold a speech for the hundreth anniversary of the city I grew up in (technically the city is much older but I guess they forgot how to count) and I was censored and prohibited to present it the way I wrote it. Mind you, I was actually being really sincere and hopeful, but rather critical at that, I offered more like a synthesis, and I ended up not doing the speech because screw them really. Don't ask the child who was never warmed by the fire of the village to hold a speech about how warm it is. But studying the history and culture of this country is actually really fascinating. There is a lot to learn about the human condition doing so. Additionally there are some really beautiufl medieval towns that feel like travelling back in time walking there. Then there is Berlin and you feel like travelling to a dystopian future. But then there are also cities like Dresden and you cannot help but be amazed. Today is actually our national holiday, reunion day. Nobody cares about it though haha. You know, I have been thinking for a long time now, that I feel like no other show, book, story, whatever it is, captured post war and post unification germany as well as Monster did. I am not saying that as an anime enthusiast. Maybe it takes someone outside the culture to truly see it, the same way the lost generations captured the america of the 20s best when they lived in Paris, but Urasawa was able to truly capture the soul and spirit of this country like I have seen nobody else did in modern times. Also, our culinary culture is greatly lacking. Even the most beloved food, the Döner Kebab, is turkish more than german haha. That makes me wonder, do you feel like there is a work of art, be it a poem, a story, book, movie, whatever, that captures the soul of South Africa best or the most accuarately?

Every barbecue is instantly better if charcoal is used really. It is a flavor you cannot top. Did anything about your situation change or maybe you developed some thoughts about moving? I also wondered since I was young what my life would be like if I were to live elsewhere. Your wish to live in Hollywood as a filmmaker is more than understandable, so is of course Japan. I relate to the latter. The days of your youth spent on the countryside sound really precious, especially reading the fellowship of the ring there. I can totally imagine what reading the shire chapters felt like as that is also one of my dearest memories from here. And those shire chapters are just incredible. You really feel how much love and immersive fantasy Tolkien wrote them with. You can picture him reading it to his own son to fall asleep. I met some folks who love the films but didn't like the shire chapters in the book. But they might even be my favourite section. The hobbit life, which is even written with a bit of mockery, is just hilarious to me.

Oh I am sorry to hear that there are some issues with your brothers girlfriend. Though you call them petty stuff, I still consider it a challenge when living together and especially petty stuff can then feel like an obstacle one cannot cross. What tendencies and habits get under your skin particullary? And do you communicate them or feel hesitant due to the relationship? Recognizing you are rolling the wrong boulder up the wrong hill can be extremely frustrating and devastating. Like making the wrong sacrifices in life. I can understand that sentiment. It is time then to maybe throw that rock down and cross that hill. Be it as it may, I hope for the time while you are still rolling it up, there are moments of tranquility and peace found in doing so at that particular moment in time. Perhaps Orpheus descended down the underworld, it is said when he played the lyre down there, even Sisyphus stopped for a while and felt ease for a while.

Your review for Pluto was masterfully crafted and I agree with it pretty much. I love how you attributed it that sense of timelessness. I feel that is particullary accurate for the show. You also mention the narrative tangents relating to side characters that only later tie into the story. It is an aspect I really loved. I think Monster profited more from it due to its length. It is a narrative style I really came to love, especially as they add such crucial depth and vastness to the world and its themes. I will never forget that episode of Monster where Tenma comes across that elderly couple travelling in Germany and whos son is imprisoned. It is really well written, just like your review is. Alas, I wish there were more anime like Pluto nowadays. I feel so terribly disconnected from the state anime is today. Ten years ago we joked about the death of anime and how only ABe's Despera can save it. Well, still waiting for it. Also, it now feels almost prophetic. I don't want to be a grumpy old man, cynical about anything contemporary or that times change, I do not want to reaffirm that famous saying by Socrates, but anime really changed, hasn't it? Sure, we get stuff like Vinland Saga, but the industry really has become stale and even less daring to take some risks. The increased popularity and mainstream appeal has really not helped it from an artistic point of view. Not all of it is bad, mind you, I enjoyed some lighthearted stuff, but, it is insane the same industry that produced stuff like Texhnolyze, is the same that gives you isekai after isekai. It is like Anno's worst nightmares have been fulfilled and the industry, for obvious reasons, settled being just a medium for escapism and threw all hopes and ambitions for being more than that over board like a passenger at night. I know Evangelion and its impact largely contributed to that state, but I would really love there to be another Eva. It really paved the way for studios to take more risks for a while and I will never surrender my believe that anime as a medium with its specific culture surrounding it, offers insane potential for so much more.

I am very sorry to hear about what you have gone through in regards to your romantic life and with your ex. It sounds incredibly hurtful and complex. Especially when our hearts are involved and invested so deeply, we are incredibly vulnerable and confronted with our most inner being. All the fears, all the scars and wounds, all the hopes and dreams. It is a fine line we walk between the hill of happiness and the abyss of pain. I can emphasize why you struggled to forgive, and also why your feelings were still attached to that person in the way they were. Navigating the reality of the hedgehog dillemma, it is not an easy task. Sometimes two people can love each other deeply, and yet, or precisely due to that cause harm and hurt. I have to admit, I still couldn't find a way to interact with others while distancing pain. Have you? I can see why Misato is in certain ways becoming more relatable. And it is interesting because Misato saw a lot of herself in Shinji. And so it is maybe a translation of his issues into adult life, if they fail to be attended or integrated properly, if that is possible at all as we are struggling with the very reality of human interaction, that will not change. I hope you have not forsaken love Adam. There are moments between two people, where, despite all the hurt that was and that is to come, where it feels possible to cross that distance seperating people and where that leads to actually healing and peace. And I think for those moments of beauty it is worth it enduring all the suffering that comes with it. Still, relationships can fall apart. Hearts are broken, maybe more than just once. But there will always come the time, where we are maybe asked to dare to love once more, and I think this is actually what heals a broken heart. Love. I am not advocating escpaing into one relation after another, but opening your heart to love, maybe for life? Are there other characters you relate to in Evangelion? I think there is an aspect that makes everyone of them so human and relatable. Sometimes I feel and fear that I am becoming a bit like Gendo, who is very kin to my father actually, and then I feel like I am on the wrong path. There were moments I related to Kaji a lot aswell, mostly in moments I find acceptance and ease with my struggles. There is a lot of wisdom to watering his watermelons. Also, I realized now that we did indeed talk about the manga ending of Evangelion. I am sorry, my mind really is scattered. Please forgive me and simply ignore the paragraph where I wrote about it just now.

It is good to hear you loved Vinland Saga that much. I can only humbly agree with everything you expressed. It is a transformative story and I do believe it is a tale that has a huge impact on many people. I remember how it felt reading through the manga. How Thorfinn embraced and conceptualized that he had indeed no enemies, it is biblical stuff. And I loved seeing how many people that impacted. I mean so many young people who relate to Thorfinns journey and find a sense, or maybe even the hope, for redemption in it. That is powerful, generational even. I feel like it reconciles us to our humanity and to life. Many people dwell in silent desperation and feel lost in darkness. Seeing a story playing out that journey and offering a new path, it is an important thing to do.

Well my old friend, I think I have come to the end of my long overdue reply. I would totally understand and respect if you do not feel like replying to it since I vanished. But I am really happy you are still here and I would love to hear about how you are and how you are doing in your life these days. So please take good care and see you soon space cowboy.

I saw a certain forum post of yours on CD last night... I hope things are okay and that you're feeling better

Hey Adam, I just wanted to let you know that I might take a bit of time to reply. I am sorry for letting you wait. I hope everything is good on your end fren :)

I want to start my reply that I really appreciate your long comment. It was delightful to read.

I think that one gets into this survival mode if they suffered some kind of wound that reaches just a little too deeply. A trauma, as it is called. It can really derail everyone, suffering hurt like this. I feel like I have been in this state since my early teenhood, and realized it sadly way too late. I never thought I would even live past a certain age, so still being here, I just didn't know what to do. It is perhaps a bit melodramatic, but just like in a Mishima novel, such glory was not granted to me. Instead it refused me. But I also relate to your sentiment regarding the contrast of having a lot of dreams but, for whatever reason, not being able to manifest those into reality. While I do believe dreaming in itself is beautiful and does suffice, it can, unconciously turn maladaptive and one creates perhaps a substitute reality in their head, leaning into escapism. Feeling like one is incapable to reconcile ones own dreams and part of their psyche with reality, can also create a lot of pressure and make one feel lost, like torn between two worlds, being neither really there nor here. I honestly think a lot of my personal unhappiness comes from the fact that I fail to realize I actually am happy. That I still need to do this or that, having that voice in the back of my head can be tormenting. Somehow there always has to be more. A kind of faustian spirit that is never fully content or satisfied, and even if it is, it is bored and almost yearns to suffer more because maybe it has a problem with being happy. I don't know if I make sense, but that is atleast how it is for me.
I understand that losing your father impacted and changed the entire way you went through life, I am really sorry. Is it okay for me to say that whenever I listen to Wake me up when September ends, you have been on my mind?
And you are, I think, absolutely right. Sometimes it is already worth a lot knowing what you don't want from life. That is also why no experience in life is ever a waste of time. If one is open to learning from it, the result will be tremendous and often directly guide you into the right direction. That is what I believe in general. That the things meant to be will naturally manifest itself sooner or later, and once they do, one must see if they are willing to seize them. As important as it might be to develop a more proactive stance and take fate into your own hands, the ability to let yourself float from time to time is just as valuable. I do believe it is about balance.
I also feel like there is a lot of pressure regarding age. When we are younger we dream of who we will one day be and society promises us all these ideas about how one is set in life as an adult. Yet none of what we were promised or dreamed of materialized. We do not even get the benefit of feeling like an adult most of the time. Maybe that is just me though. So anything but happiness feels like failure. And that is a loss and a betrayal of the integrity of our psyche. There is a lot of sadness in life and emotions vary and are much complex, however, it can feel like these emotions are denied and have no place in the world, so we rarely find an outlet or a response to them, which I think every human, even introverts, direly need. That's probably why films, books and music and even anime can resonate so deeply with us. They are a connection to the more deeper levels of human existence and above all remind us we are not alone.

Yes it is true, in this age of poor remakes and uneccessary remakes, who really expected anything from Top Gun Maverick? I also really liked the relationship between Maverick and Rooster. It felt almost like there were themes of redemptions involved there. It reminded me a bit about "the place beyond the pines", although of course with a much different tone and resolution. Have you seen that movie? I think it has cinematography you would like.
Also there is an argument to be made that the concepts of "mavericks" is quite crucial for the zeitgeist. Atleast I felt like the movie tried to make a case how figures that dare to go beyond set rules and conventions are something we need. Of course it has been done before, but there was something genuine in it. I really can't believe Hollywood is still capable to do sincerety right. In the vein of surprisingly good sequel stories, have you ever watched Cobra Kai? It is too one of those things that had no right to be as good as it was. At work there was a kid on the spectrum, who for some reason truly believed Daniel-san to be the villain. Since that is a joke I rather like, I leaned in on that and acted sometimes like Johnny Lawrence at work. You won't believe how fond he was of me. I even got him a headband from japsn when I was there. Every kids needs an unconventional sensei to take them under their wing.

Some of the movies you mentioned I have, to my surprise, actually seen. The others, I will keep an eye out onto and consider checking them out since they sound really interesting. Except for Kubrick. I need to confess something to you. I never got warm with his work. I know it is heretic for a film buff to hear but it is true. Except for the moon landing and his shots of Nicole Kidman he never caused much of a reaction from me. But the Anno one, is a priority now. His live action stuff has been on my ptw for way too long. I really need something in the spirit of Eva again.
Crumb really was an unexpected gem and it shows how intresting the process of really diving into the mind and outlook and the reason for it, of another person can be. I feel like it displayed an honesty most people usually avoid.
I watched on the silver globe last year. Honestly, I do not know what to make of this film. It had me feeling lost, but then again, I suppose it was intentional. I would really appreciate if you would share your thoughts on that film with me. I have been thinking about it since last summer but I fail to really tie my feelings and impressions into articulated and coherent thoughts. I really loved the feeling and aesthetic of how they arrived and settled on this new planet and how a new culture came to be. But everytime I felt like I got a grasp and understanding of it, the film pushed me away and was weird. I don't appreciate films reminding me of my encounters with the opposite gender lol.

I just remembered that I also saw a movie called Hiroshima mon amour which ended up becoming one of my favourites. I am a little clumsy sometimes haha. Have you seen it? It is really poetic and painfully melancholic. I think I could watch it over and over again.
Funny to hear you read Kafka on the Shore, I feel like the conclusion of the character arc is very similar to Shinjis in Eva, in a way. But yes, it is really insane how the movie adapted a rather simple short story of Murakami and turned it into a work on its own that still holds true to the authors very pecilluar atmosphere and themes of ennui, grief and loss. It also has perhaps my favourite movie ending of all time. I sometimes rewatch that scene just to feel a little bit of solace. I would much love to hear your thoughts on the film if you ever get around to watch it, or rather both of them.
I was surprised to hear you never watched a film by Malick.
I remember you once, much to my agreement, saying that nobody captured nature as beautifully as Tarkovsky did. Malick however really did something with nature that I have never seen done in a film. Perhaps because it is so embedded in his exploration of themes and the contention of his characters, but he almost turns nature itself into a cathedral of light. His next film is about the life of Jesus Christ and it is in post production for years now. I really can't wait to see it. What I also love about his films is that you see his own contemplation and progress in character in his films. He is a seeker. Never once it feels like he tries to lecture or even communicate directly with the audience. His films seem more like the contemplation of a question he ponders over. I feel like such an approach is not only honest and authentic but in the end offers dimensions for the audience to immerse into that really remind you why art can be so sublime.

It is funny getting an insight into the Adam beyond the keyboard from that time. The other day, for no particular reason, I remembered the time you wrote an Eva review to counter the flood of negativity that was pretty common for Eva at that time. And back then you almost felt like a rebel to me for doing so haha. But I agree with you, mal really was a place to escape to, where the unconciousness could vent or atleast find some belonging. Long before the troubles of adult life. And we all seemed to have worked out way through the neat 3x3 at that time. It almost felt like a clique or being part of some kind of lose gang, guys all having the same favourites etc and somehow getting along. It was something totally new for me in life. I had already given up on life when I came here and my experiences with other people out there in the world were not that candid. I also felt really inept. I was weird haha. But I really appreciated all of you guys. As you said, people have drifted away in time and left this place behind, perhaps for the better and I like to imagine they are happy somewhere out there, but I too will always have a soft spot for this place. At times it even felt like a home. I met people here who impacted my life in ways I never thought was possible. To me mal and all of you, felt like that group of friends in the childhood days of Oyasumi Punpun. There was an innocence to it at all and a sense of wonder. A time one truly felt alive, something that was on the brink of fading away from our lifes. Everyone went their own way, each experienced trouble and stories forever unbeknown to the other. Coming back here I always feel like Punpun who waves off Harumi with tears streaming down his face. But maybe I am just a fool. Still, I like thinking about it that way. Or maybe I just like Oyasumi Punpun.

Wow the time at the camp indeed does sound like a very special time in your life. I am happy you could make this experience. And it is really interesting that you could combine your passion for art with the joy of taking care of the children. It honestly is really important, it sounds both enriching to you and to them aswell. I am sure you created memories for them they will look back fondly on. Children really are wonderful, don't you think so too? Even those that might be a parents nightmare. Especially those. I feel like if you can get beyond their wall and show them you care, it will be a transformative experience. And giving them an outlet through plays and such, might be exactly what they need. Even if perhaps only in that moment. I worked with a very troubled kid once. Poor upbringing, very intense emotions but a deep rooted insecurity to trust anyone. He hid behind insane aggressive outbursts and so was usually judged and not treated all to fondly by everyone else. I did not act any differently than I usually do, I was just a calm and gentle presence. It took some months, but eventually he noticed that and in a crisis he had, which usually would result in him comitting crime, he instead turned to me. He sat down, wept and we just sat there in a comforting silence for an hour before he could talk. And he told me stuff he never told anyone else in his life before. And from there on out, it was possible to work on his issues and he did. We signed him up at a dojo, to channel his agression and he became so insanely stable. Of course he still had his issues, those things take a lot of time, but later he was even able to live with his family again. I really think there is nothing better one can do than to take care of children who really need a helping hand. I feel like this way you instantly take care of the issues of the world. Maybe it is just a simple thing. Maybe it doesn't change anything in the big world, but for one vulnerable individual it changes the entire world. I really had a hard time deciding to leave my job due to that. I feel responsible. But I tell myself a psychologist treats a wounded child aswell. I jest, I know it's not good to see it like that. But yeah, I think I definetely can see why this time at the camp was so enriching for you and I feel like that memory is like the source a lot of good things will flow from. Have you considered working with children in relation to your creative talent? I feel like you have a gift to give to the world. Film and theater is such a cool art form and something that inspires many, especially children. I mean we all remember the awe of seeing films as a child. The sense of wonder. The music of the shire, who could ever unremember that? Maybe somewhere out there a kid is just waiting to be inspired by you. By the way, how was it seeing New York?

Sounds like a love/hate relationship you foster with your country. I really appreciate the first hand insight into the situation of your country. Hearing a citizen describe how he feels about his country, is in my estimation, always a really authentic gaze into what living there would be like. A lot of western people tend to have a really romanticized outlook on Africa, I suppose they still harbor some kind of old coloniast ideas lol, and I think they see South Africa as this african country that resembles their comfortable home country the most. Though that is only what I shallowly observed. I remember that during the 2010 world cup, I was really intruiged learning more about South African history. Nelson Mandela almost seemed like a Christ-like figure, reading about him. And how the country seemed to be torn by this huge contrast of poverty and wealth. But above all, as I always liked to dream about the times when people sailed the world, the cape of good hope felt like a place I should see once in my life. I really find its name poetic. Cape of good hope. It sounds peaceful. I wonder, have you ever stood there at the cape? If so, how did it feel?

I am glad you find parts of your culture and city to find a home in. I looked at pictures of braai. It is like a specific grill method and usually a communal thing right? I like those. Can't ever go wrong with grilled meat. It sounds like the idea is set for you that you see South Africa as your home. Did you ever consider moving to another country or imagine being far away? In german we have a word called "fernweh", it is a melancholic yearning for the distance, to put it simply. In my youth I was almost consumed by it. Maybe it was an escape. And while I still have this feeling, ever since I live on the countryside, it is less of a melancholic longing. I think I found my home here. There is a poem the father of Tarkovsky wrote and which is used in the Mirror about a house. I suppose once you found a place like this the wind blows a little less coldly. I like to imagine one day descendants living here aswell. Although I don't think I will ever find a wife haha. Still, I love a simple life on the countryside. Tolstoy described it best I think. He described his idea of happiness the following way: "A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor."

Oh so you are living together with your brother and his girlfriend. Funnily enough, I used to live together with my older brother. The times he had a girlfriend were nice because he was often away and I had the apartment for myself. Somehow being alone in an apartment where other people live is a very enchanting mood. I think my ideal roomate would be one who is missing 99% of the time.
I really relate to your sentiment regarding feeling stuck behind a desk. I always felt like there is more to life than this. That yes maybe there is comfort, but also a terrifying emptiness. If you don't feel right and like you can't ultimately be who you are, then you owe it to yourself to change that. One can easily find himself be a slave to something in life. The thought of this having been it and life always being the same commute of flatline office exchange and exhausted evenings with not much to do, it really terrifies me.
It is cool you also felt like Epsilon haha. It is a wonderful feeling, to tell the truth.
By the way I saw Pluto made it into your favourites. I also really liked it, although in the end it didn't leave me as taken as Monster did. But still the journey up to the last episode felt masterfully done. What do you like about it?

Good hearted and insightful? Haha don't make me red, I don't deserve any of such praise. But I am happy you call me your friend, its my honor. And I am really excited to see where your journey will lead to. I do not think the last dot is put on the page yet, far from it. Also there is something I have been meaning to tell you for some years now, even though I am a bit embarassed to write it so publically (but then again nobody cares haha). I am not sure if you remember but it was back in 2018 I think, I shared two poems of mine with you. Back then I was just getting started and I wrote more to get ideas out than to bother about form, which back then was still in its baby shoes. You were one of the few people I showed something I wrote to and I remember that your rightful comment about the form really impacted me back then. I felt really terrible haha. I want to make it perfectly clear that when I say I felt terrible, that I can be overly sensitive, especially with these personal matters. I really took that feedback to heart and deeply appreciate it. It helped me grow and improve. And also opened my eye to what maybe sometimes is not easy to admit, but that you can only go ahead and improve when you accept you are not entirely where you want to be. So, you helped me find my form. I always wanted to thank you for this.

Maybe that question is a bit too private and you don't need to answer it if you don't feel like it, but since you mention still talking to your ex, is it the one you mentioned in that cd thread I made last night? I can relate to your experience and I am incredibly sorry this happened to you. Still, I learned that life is insanely complicated and dealing with other humans does not equal dealing with reason. The opposite is the case. I think they care about you, trying to help maybe. Still, therapy is ultimately a process of course that can only be fruitful if it is done voluntarily. And to me it makes perfect sense that Evangelion guided you there to that kind of epiphany. Evangelion is just wonderful, isn't it so? And what you describe, how it resonated even more so with you on your last rewatch, says a lot. I think our experience and feeling regarding Eva are somewhat similar. To think such a work can years later impact you even more is really telling. I last rewatched it two years ago and I felt the same. Although I am in dire need for another rewatch. I used to rewatch End of Eva every sunday for years. I regret that I stopped doing so, but life can be chsnging. Still I always feel like a vulnureable part of who I am awaits me whenever I return to it. Sometimes I wondered if I have not outgrown Shinji a bit. I mean he has accompanied me since my childhood. Getting older I wondered what he would be like after the story. I like to think the lesson of Kaji sticked with him. That it is better to nuture your watermelons, even when the world is coming to end. To take care of things and ensure life can grow and nourish. I hope I also don't sound like a fool but I really hope Shinji and Asuka stay together in the end. I usually do not care about things like these in fictional stories. But I feel like they need each other. I really like the Eva manga ending hence.

Yes, the inner journey of Thorfinn is insane. I really did not expect it to play out like this. That the end of the first season was merely the end of the prologue, that is one of the most brilliant details I ever saw in an anime. Him being asked by Askeladd what he wants to do now that his target is dead, man that scene hit way too close to home. I will never forget the expression on Thorfinns face. The way he almost felt like he had a mental fever before, how he dragged himself along, how Leif tried to tell him about Vinland and then the dagger drop. It was insane. I also like how they make him come to terms with his demons in farmland saga. It really is like Guts character arc then, that it deals with him overcoming his trauma. This conflict about resentment, it is very relatable for every human, don't you agree? I always felt like those who were done wrong, and who wasn't in one way or another, carry a heavy responsibility. What will they do with their hurt? How will they feel love when, for good reason, they are tormented by resentment? For a person like this to overcome this grief and even embrace gentleness and peace all the more, that's a true warrior. Enjoy your time with season 2 and please be sure to let me know what you think about it when you are done.

I am sorry if my writing is a little off. These last days were a bit weird, but I didn't want to let you wait too long. I hope I didn't write nonsense haha.

Thanks for the encouragement, it is much appreciated. And indeed it sounds like we are in the same boat. For most of my life I thought it just didn't matter what I do professionally, as long as I could derive atleast some kind of meaning from it. I let myself be floated and thought just surviving would suffice. I never bothered with the question, what I would do, if I actually did survive. So now it is time to take matters into my own hand for the first time and hope for the best. How would you like to spend your time on this godbeloved rock?

Even if Top Gun feels like a joke, Top Gun Maverick became an incredible personal movie for me man. Maybe it was the time. I had suffered a loss too big to handle and so seeing Maverick deal with the loss of Goose, it moved me. The people I went to cinema with thought I was joking, but I really wept there. And it is rare I can weep when other people are around. I will be damned, but I even appreciated Lady Gaga suddenly. It is funny what can happen if you really open yourself and not instantly hate on stuff. Also a funny note, but whenever I travelled by airplane, they always had both Top Gun movies available, and I always watched both. I once liked Top Gun only ironically almost, but it really has earned such a special place in my heart.
By the way, what are some movies that have moved or impacted you the most lately? It already has been a while and I don't watch as many movies as I have on my plan to watch list, but if I would have to pick two movies that I watched since last time we talked, it would be Drive my Car and A Hidden Life. Have you seen them? Isn't Terrence Malick wonderful?


It is funny how we have grown and talk about our jobs now. I sometimes get really nostalgic about the past and also about my time here. Those days feel like simpler days. My biggest active worry was that people on here hated on Eva and Shinji. Sometimes I wish I could go back. Just living isolated from the world, before I ever got involved with people and just spend my nights watching Angel's Egg, again and again. Especially if you associate the past with a certain place, then what will happen is that you will be struck by disbelief just how many people have faded away in time. It feels hence awfully good to know you still exist out here, Adam.
Tell me about your time at the summer camp in the states if you don't mind. It sounds precious. Did you move to the states now or do you still live in South Africa? By the way you are the only person I know who is from South Africa. It is really interesting to me. What is it like to live or be there?
Congrats on moving into your own apartment, that must feel nice. Sometimes it might feel lonely living alone, but I like those feelings, personally. I also relate to your sentiment regarding feeling directionless despite the good pay. I had a stable income for the first time in my life and could afford travelling to places I always wanted to see. I have my cats on the farm and was well respected at my job. My coworkers were all normal citizens. Perhaps a little insensitive, but who am I too judge. To the kids I was almost like a hero. I felt like Epsilon from Pluto, or Grimmer from Monster haha. It should have been fulfilling. I could have just continued like this till I am old and grey, but there existed such an emptiness in me that I could simply not transcend and which instead manifested itself into all kind of different aspects of my life. Previous generations seemed much more content with accepting the mundanity of work and life and at times I wish I could too, just to be done with struggling. But this is not who I am. I hope I can find what I am looking for, but even if not, I still have to search for it at the very least.

You know Adam, I hope its okay for me to say but, I think you have a passion for movies and that you are not only really creative but ever since 2015 I found you extraordinarily introspective. You manage to combine both the heart and mind, a warm compassion for other humans with sensible insightfulness. It is a rare gift and one that maybe too often doesn't feel welcomed in the world. But the world needs people like you. The filmmakers and the creative types. People who have a story to tell. I feel like filmmaking, or any art, is not too different from the therapeutic process in some sense. Both guide you through the dark realms of your unconciousness and let you illumine parts of your being that were kept perhaps for too long in the dark. Please don't ever bury your aspiration, though that is a weak word, your dream to become a filmmaker. I heard too that getting a job in the industry is quite hard, but I also believe that a lot of great people in the history of art have struggled. And that it was precisely this struggle that later made then who they are. Some great works of literature were never written if some poor epileptic gambling addict did not suffer brokenly in a labor camp after he almost died at a mock execution, thinking foolishly he could revolutinize the world through socialist ideas. What I want to say, even only as a stranger from the internet, I really believe you would be a great filmmaker. And all the experiences you make now getting lost, it is like taking notes for your future script. And I do not indulge in delusions of grandeur or anything, but I really think you have a talent. I really liked the idea of your films, Heel for example. Consider me your fan. You can't let your fans down! (Sorry I hope I dont sound cliched.)
It is also great to hear you identified your problem and want to go see a therapist. I am convinced that will be a valuable experience and that you will be able to pick up the threads of your old life. I don't know if I sound like a fool, but if you ever feel like you want to talk or so, just let me know.

Also, I see you are watching Vinland Saga. How do you like it so far? I remember LucasRTS (do you remember him?) recommending the manga to me way back in the days. I put it on hold after the first chapter and maybe it was good I did. Because I finished the first season and continued with the manga when I needed it most in my life. Thorfinn became a character almost as personal as Shinji for me. It is really nice what anime still can do to one after all these years.

I am sorry I wrote so much. I hope I don't overwhelm you. Reply as you wish!

Really? Now hearing that has made my day aswell. I have been back for a few days, but I was shy to write. So thank you. Seeing you still around felt pretty good.
At the end of march I quit the job I have been working in the last years and will go study psychology starting this autumn. I planned to have some months before the semester to find some peace of mind again and maybe travel, but I guess I fell into a pit and got a bit lost.
But what about you man? I often wondered how your filmmaking came along. How has life been treating you? I was really glad your first feature film was such a box office success. It is not easy doing a sequel to Top Gun ;)

Edit: Oh and don't worry about the reply from 2020. Life can be really chaotic, I understand. What matters is that you made it through that time.

have a great day! ~

Happy birthday! :)

Happy Birthday to ya :)

🎉Happy Birthday Buddy🎈

Wanted to drop in and say I really appreciate the vibe of your profile. Even down to Kurosawa being in favorite people. Just nothing but immaculate taste. <3

Thanks for accepting man!

Thanks for accepting!

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLr6n6KbbYtjWhv7Y2booN_FLhK0bvBUr3

No problem at all!

If you ever feel like you want to talk to someone, vent or anything, don't hesitate to send a PM my way:-)