Report ElanMorin's Profile

R.I.P

I remember when I started at Jimmy Johns. Chelsea is a really cute girl, black hair, great eyes and tattoos, perfectly petite and just a little nerdy. 28 years old and with a child she got from cheating on her high school boyfriend with one of his friends, she had lost her voice and I enjoyed my first day calling out orders for her. We joked and smiled and it was a good day.

I was interested from the start, and it must have showed because she mentioned she had a boyfriend, one of the drivers, and I stopped the chase. I've always believed that courting a woman in a relationship is something only dirtbags do, so I cut back on my jokes, and, despite how badly I wanted to talk to her, I didn't. I bottled up my emotions in order to not be a bad guy. While telling me about herself, she said she's had five stalkers, and I wanted to make sure I never made her feel like that.

Half a year goes by, and we hire a 20 year old named Matt. Matt had just gotten out of prison for being hooked on methamphetamine and dealing coke and meth. Not at all smart and very impulsive, Matt was also ripped from being in prison for four years, and also a very charismatic person. Prone to get into trouble, he was used to having his wealthy mother buy him out of any consequences and seemed to be going through life just doing as he pleased. Several times I'd watched girls walk up from the mall and give him their number.

The first week of his employment, Matt went camping with Randy, the General Manager. After that, he quickly became a shift manager, and started showing up late to or calling in on his shifts. Twice in the first week, and more and more. Chelsea covered for all of his shifts. The ones he called in for, and the ones we called him for. He skipped work so much that we had to call him to see if he was even coming in, but never got fired for it, nor even written up. Money was always missing when he managed.

I remember one day, Chelsea came in to work saying "I slept in Matt's bed last night after I gave him a massage. It was awkward to meet his mom like that." Chelsea made it in to work, but we had to call Matt that morning. When we called him the next morning, Nate, the Assistant Manager asked "Are you coming in today?"
Matt says "I'm still in bed. When was I supposed to be there?
Nate says "An hour and a half ago."
We hear Matt ask "Can you work it?" and then a few seconds later "Chelsea said she can work for me."

Matt was a hook-up, a boy toy and I understand fucking someone who's stupid and pretty. As much contempt as I feel, I really can't blame her, and as much as it hurts me, I can't say she did anything wrong.

Matt got his cousin Levi a job at Jimmy Johns, too. Levi is a 23 year old obese red neck who was living with his grandmother. Levi makes money on the side selling the drugs that Matt got into trouble with.

Late last year, Chelsea told me about a conversation she had with her at the time boyfriend, Tyler. She said "I told him if he doesn't start treating me right, I'm going to start seeing other people."
"This is my chance," I thought. "I'll wait for them to be through, and I'll say something." I didn't want to cause trouble for her, so waiting seemed the clear option, but we got along well. We had good chemistry.

She was telling everybody what she told me, though, and the next day Levi, dumped a cup of pickle juice down her shirt.

Chelsea was born to a man that fathered ten children with five different women, and somehow Levi's act was interpreted as endearment, because Chelsea enjoyed telling Matt and me that she didn't make him wear a condom when they had sex on their first date less than a week later.

It was the same story she had told us with Tyler: He showed up two hours late to pick her up for their blind date, already drunk and she fucked him that night. They'd been together for four years before she downgraded him from boyfriend to friends with benefits to fuck Levi, and she had told me "I have to rape Tyler if I want any."

It hurts me, so much emotionally to think about that kid and her. Levi was supposed to move to Seattle months ago, and Chelsea said she laughed when he asked her to go with him. They 'dated' for nearly two months, while all five of us worked together. She called it "puppy love", but Tyler hated me and seemed just fine with Levi. I don't think he believes the story about Matt. He was in denial about Levi for a while. I don't understand how he can feel anything toward me, as I'm one of the only people that didn't fuck his girlfriend.

When Valentines Day came around this year, Chelsea was complaining that she had no date. If you ask her today, she'll say she has a boyfriend in one breath and that she's single in the next. I remember the conversation well. She said "I don't have a date. I asked Levi if he had anything planned and he said "no", and I know Burt [Tyler Burtness] doesn't have anything planned."
"Are you sure? Maybe they just want to surprise you." It was my chance, but I was so filled with doubt.
"I know they don't." she said.
"Then let's do something."
I said it. I realized I was holding my breath. Matt was speechless.
"OK, sure" she laughed. She was smiling.

I remember I felt on top that whole week. I texted her "Where do you want to go? I'll make reservations." I even got her added on Snapchat. The week went by. We worked several shifts but never talked about it and I never got the response. Valentine's Day: Chelsea sent a pic to her general feed of a man in a suite that had passed by labeled "I don't have a date." I responded to it, but I may as well not have. It was never answered.

That night ended with her and Tyler dropping me off at home. We stopped at Hy-Vee so Tyler could buy booze. As we sat in the car, I asked Chelsea why she backed out of our date. She was still being very vocal about how sure she was that Tyler didn't have anything planned. I told her that it felt like she was using me to make those two jealous. She said "Well I basically am", which would have been fine with me if she had actually used me. As Tyler gets back into the car, she looks at him and then at me and says "If he doesn't have anything planned, I'll come drink with you."

That made me feel worthless. I got home, and curled up into a ball on my bed, and I'm ashamed to admit that I lay there crying for over an hour before I turned my phone off. "But what if she DOES call?" In my despair, I knew it would never happen.

She didn't attempt to contact me that day, but the next day, as I'm standing at the register, she comes up to me and says "Tyler didn't have anything for me after all. You wanna go to your friend's place in Ankeny Saturday?"
I was depressed, and it was too soon to handle another rejection, and I muttered something unintelligible. I realize now, that if I ever had a chance with Chelsea, it was that moment.

I realized that I didn't make it easy for Chelsea. I pulled back my interest in the ideal of nobility, and I get how she friend-zoned me. If I had known then what I know now, I would have successfully perused her, and love or lost I'd be happy.

Saturday came and I was feeling better, so I messaged her on Snapchat, but the response I got, one of the only two snaps she ever sent me, was a picture of her and Tyler at Baconfest. "That's your idea of going out with me?" I thought. "Sending me pictures of you and another guy hanging out?"

Some time passed, and Chelsea continued to see Levi off-and-on. She told me about it, every word a pin pushed into my chest. I think the worst thing she ever said was "If I want cigarettes Levi will bring them to me for sex." Did you think I wouldn't?
How do you think I felt hearing that?

Realizing I would never be taken seriously, I tried to distance myself from her. I tried to be curt and professional. I would cry myself to sleep thinking of her and that kid, who she somehow chose over me. I would wake up and her face would drift into my head. It was torture.

Thinking about it constantly, I could never figure out what to say. One day, Chelsea brings me some comic books to read. A specialty that I like. She asked me to check out her brother's shop. I got off work early that Friday to go to the shop and caught her just as she was leaving. Tyler wrecked his car and was using hers, and she was waiting for a ride. We sat outside and talked. We had a pleasant conversation that lasted past Tyler pulling up. After several minutes, he started honking the horn, and she gets up but says "What are you doing this Sunday?"
I was caught off-guard. "Working," I started. We both worked until close Sundays. "You know..."
"After that?"
"I don't have any plans."
"Let's go out."
"I'd like that."
Tyler is still honking the horn. She walks toward him, looking back and waving.
Sunday afternoon, I texted her "What're you doing today?"
"Date with Levi and Shaq."
Shaq is one of Levi's friends, a 22 year old 500+ lb black kid that works really hard for the first hour of each of his shifts.
Quite frustrated, I said "Break 'em. We have plans."
She said "We're going to the movies and he already paid for the tickets, and I've been blowing them off for weeks." You've been complaining about them for weeks, that they only play with each other and not you, and you've stood me up for every plan we've ever made, I thought.
"But Levi's leaving soon," she said.
Why say that?! How can you ask me to wait, when you're not making anyone else wait, and if you have no intentions of seeing me, why say that in the first place?
See seemed set on refusing me, and begrudgingly, I said "That kid is really lucky." I spent the next week listening to Chelsea fondly remembering dating black guys in high school. Her daughter is a quarter black.

Trying again to move on, I deleted her Snapchat and phone number. Chelsea is always on her phone, but never talking to me. I asked her about it a couple of times, and would always get "my phone is broken", but it was never anything but an excuse, and I never accepted it as an answer. Even with the broken screen, you make time for other people. Why not me?

A couple of weeks passed, and, realizing that I'm not the most forward person, I went next door to Caribou Coffee, where Chelsea worked part time for free coffee. Her daughter's birthday was in a week, and "All Jimmy Johns coworkers" were invited. I had resolved to get over her, for sure, and I just needed to say what I felt. It sounded cheesy to me back then, but if she was weirded out by me telling her I had a crush on her, instead of staining her clothes or hitting her or throwing things at her, then that would just help me let go. We talked again, and I remember feeling so nervous even though the conversation had a good flow. I told her that it hurt being rejected by her and she said "I didn't reject you." I remember I stuttered as I spoke, but I said "I want to be more than just friends with you." I felt so relieved after I said it, but I wanted to hear her reaction, no matter what it was. She pulled out her phone and dissapered into the back. I waited for a minute, and when it was clear that she was gonna be a while, I left.

The next day at Jimmy Johns, Randy pulls me into the back and said "Chelsea said you're stalking her." I said "What?" He said "She claims you professed your love for her" and I said "I told her I had a crush on her, but in over a year I've seen her two times outside of work, and one of those was at her request."
He asked me if I had any screen shots of our texts. I said no, but I barely ever text her. We were supposed to have a date on Valentine's Day but she stood me up to go see Tyler. I told him how I felt she was using me, and Randy said "She's just a whore. I believe you, but I need you to not text, call, Snapchat or talk to Chelsea, Tyler or Levi." After that, things seemed cool. Randy told me that day about the time he and Chelsea did coke, and about some of the times they'd hung out, and I got to feel the burden of being the only one out of even more people that she's not close to.

I was hurt and confused. Kennedy's birthday was in a week, and I had bought a Batmobile pinata and filled it with candy. Even worse, Chelsea started giving me the cold shoulder not after Randy talked to me, but after I didn't show up at her daughter's party. Nothing made sense. I still wonder if any of what Randy said was his own agenda.

Like a good employee, though, I did what my boss asked. I didn't start any conversations. I didn't crack any jokes.

Matt was being suspected of stealing from the store, and after assaulting an officer less than a week after getting off of parole, he was finally on thin ice. One day, he squeezes Chelsea's breast as she's ringing a customer up, and then yells into the store "Randy, I just grabbed Chelsea's boob." I lost my cool and blurted out "Can you two tone it down, at least while you're at work?" In what Chelsea would later describe as "'roid rage" Matt snapped and Randy sent him home. Matt called the store a few minutes later and quit. Having told me the previous week he just started trying heroine, and considering I'm always the last to find out, I don't think anyone was surprised.

Chelsea never left Tyler, but still sees Levi from time to time. Every single time she picked someone else I hurt. If I had grown up with parents, and around friends, I'd understand social situations and how to translate what people say and do into what they really think and feel. I'd know how to discern facts and opportunities from lies and insecurities. Chelsea is as easy as they come, but I'm so awkward that I just couldn't figure out what to do or say. It hurts so much that no matter how much her boyfriends neglect her or abused her, she would never choose me over them. I've felt so many times that if I had not given a fuck about Tyler in the beginning, and just gone after her like I had wanted from the start, she'd have been able to consider me an option. Levi and Matt proved that. Then, when Matt, Levi and Shaq showed up, she'd have been able to reconsider me when they turned out to be less, if she would even have considered them at all. Those feelings of utter hopelessness I felt when I'd want to make an effort, but know that she would rather see a familiar face instead of trying me out... She hurt me irreparably, but was never mean to me.

There were the weeks of the cold shoulder, when she would bring everyone a coffee except me, and specifically the time she went around and asked everyone individually if they wanted a coffee, and came up to me last, and said "Dan?"
"Yeah?" I said.
"When Vy gets here tell him he can come over and get a free coffee."

I know I've never been given the full story. I know I've been lied to. I'm a smart guy, and I can figure things out. She doesn't like me. It's been clear, but she insisted on keeping me exactly at arms reach. I spent weeks agonizing over her. We could have dated, and I could have been one of the people to make her smile. We could have hooked up and I could have been one of the people to make her moan. We could have been just friends if it didn't work out, and I'd have been cool with the other guys. I just couldn't be the only guy she refused to see; not when she said yes to the likes of Levi.

She would shit-talk Matt after he left, but when he came in the other day she threw her arms around him, right in front of Tyler. Levi smeared avocado on her apron, all over her tits and she laughed. He goosed her so that she shrieked, with a store full of customers. She just said "You need to be more of a gentleman."

Yesterday she showed me her phone, and it was a message from Matt saying he relapsed on Meth. What that said to me was "He continues to fuck up but still keeps in contact with her." I'm not drug free, but I've never had a drug problem. Still not as good as Matt.

Last month, Friday, June 2nd, Levi and Chelsea had a fight in the store. I did not hear what the fight was about, but at some point, Chelsea's argument became "But you hit me." Levi's counter-argument was "...not very hard. I didn't really hit you." and whatever they were talking about, that seemed a satisfying answer to her. Later that night he punched a hole in one of the computer monitors. I went home that night and drank heavily. Again I felt it in a crushing amount: "How can she choose him over me? Why can't I even get a chance?" I told myself, "I can hurt people. If that's what it takes to fit in, I can become a bad person." I tried. I put myself in the darkest mindset possible and tried to see myself slapping Chelsea. Not in a kinky, sexual way but like Levi hits her. I remember tears streaking down my cheeks as I realized I couldn't do it. Can I not fit in because I'm "too good"? It's surely true that we live in a horrible time. Honesty, consideration and earnest are negative qualities in today's society. Thoughtfulness and selflessness are undesirable traits. I screamed into the night. I remember my howls were weak and choked and I punched the solid wooden door to my apartment. My pinky broke so I kneed the door, and the force fractured my kneecap. Finally I punched the glass because I knew it would break.

Crying, broken and bleeding, I unintentionally smeared blood on the building walls as I limped back into my apartment. I turned on the sink faucet, ripped open a whole bag of cat food and grabbed a knife. I posted a message on facebook asking for my cats to be taken care of and started cutting. I didn't want to be alive anymore. I was finally going to end it, and not have to feel pain ever again.

People came for me. They grabbed me, and told me from all their perspectives that I had to live, that trying to kill myself was selfish, that things will get better, that we care about you and the million people who said "I'm here if you need to talk". I believed everyone that told me they care while also knowing that you don't understand. Your caring is only worth so much, because I'm just a guy that shows up and amuses you every now and then. I have to live with me all the time. Those times when I'm making you happy, I'm not happy, I'm just able to forget how bad it is for a time. When I get home, and it's still just me, by myself, when there's trash like Levi enjoying the best Chelsea has to offer, all the smiling faces of my friends melt together into a big pool of people who would never choose me. All the happy couples, and the unhappy couples, too, which I can neither one ever be a part of. I didn't be the guy a girl cheats with on her boyfriend, so I'M scum. I'M the one who has to go without, who suffers.

Today, Randy came up to me and said I'm losing every shift I have with Chelsea, Levi and Tyler. Someone [like our only friend in common, Lyn Spooks, a sexist minority-member racist, who deleted me today] took a screen shot of my suicide note and sent it to her, and they've been laughing at me behind my back for a month now. He had a smile on his face while he spoke about how much it sucks to lose a great worker like me and it's not fair but it's three against one, and I wondered again if he has exaggerated things to further his own goals.

I'm about ready to watch the movies. I'm letting this anime set in fully before moving towards the two movies. I enjoyed the series immensely. I do hope everything is going well for you in these dark days.

With death always a breath away, the shattered God accepts his fate

I no longer need to advance my prowess for fighting in the air. If I must die, then let me begin taking levels as a Valiant Dead.

I could die any day now. Regardless, I won't last until; February.

Knowing that you're gonna die some day is very different than coming to terms with the fact that you have less than a year to live. I've known for a few months. I've had so much time to think about it lately, since all I do is work. I keep thinking, "If only this had happened differently" or "If this and this happen, everything will work out". I guess I'm still "bargaining". I'm not like those Christians that think they'll never die, so I thought I had accepted my own death, but I still have so many regrets. Things I never finished, things I never even started. It's just so depressing. It's crushing. I really don't want to get into details right now. I'm sure as the deadline approaches I'll begin to pour my heart out. Maybe not. Perhaps I'll be so bitter and reclusive that no one will even know I've died.

I don't know how long I laid in bed this morning, pretending that if I ignored it, I could just go back to sleep, but eventually, the urge to urinate saw me on my feet. As soon as I was through, I fell back onto my mattress and pressed my eyes shut.
When I woke back up, the sun was occupying a different part of its arc. My phone was flashing with notifications; it was two o'clock, and someone had liked a photo I shared. I just wanted the world to go away. Pulling my blanket off of the floor, I curled up into a ball, turning this way and that, feelings of loneliness and segregation running through my head. I didn't do anything wrong; why did I end up this way? Thoughts like this torment me constantly- replaying what seems like key decisions in my life and trying to figure out what I could have done differently. What did I do to create this Hel? It has to be me; it can't be everyone else, there are billions of people and that's just not playing by the numbers. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? What can I still do?
These trains of thought dissipate as I'm reminded that answering these questions doesn't matter. I can't redo any part of my life. No decision can be undone. Whether it's my fault or not, this is the way things are, and it's too late to change anything now. Besides, I'm not the one who's broken, it's the rest of the world. It's not that I'm unacceptable; it's that you just refuse to accept me. I've spent my life trying to understand my surroundings, others. What's so depressing is that others don't even pretend to be interested in me. I'm not worth their time, in their eyes. No one wants to get to know me, and only a very few people try to use me. I'm aware of it but I've been too considerate of other peoples' perspectives for too long to be able to use others. Impossibly, I'm too earnest. Why can't I be selfish, like everyone else? Why can't I use people to get what I want? Why do I suffer the stoic? There is no reward when you're at death's door for walking your entire life in the light. I've been fooling myself, thinking that "As long as I can sleep with myself at the end of the day, I'll win in the end. I'll have my pride intact and be a better person." What a load of shit. The world isn't some kind of idealistic scenario like that. It's people that take that get. People who step on others without hesitation that elevate above others. I could never be that kind of villain, willing to scour others for my own self-satisfaction. And so I'm dissatisfied. I'm sad and lonely. I don't know how to interact with people while maintaining ulterior motives. I'm hyper-self-conscious. Because I can do more, I've felt the responsibility to be more, but instead of a medal I receive only scars.
After thoughts like that, I again turn inward, reevaluating my perspective: Am I the problem? How can so many fools and failures, without redeemable qualities, be so happy? "They're generic. They don't have any strong commitments and because they're so simple and bland, they readily mix with others that are equally baseless." That's what I tell myself. It's easier for them because they don't hold themselves to high standards as I hold myself to; or are even aware of them. "This awareness, this understanding that goes beyond the norm, this is what makes me superior" I tell myself. Superior, and equally alone.

Finally... my own place. No more roommates. No more "people". It's just me.

Homeless once again.

You traded loyalty for attention, you spoiled brat.

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How much longer will it take to learn Pon Far magic?!

Hi! Happy holidays to you and your family !

"Now, I'm motivated!"

Happy B-day !

It's getting so hard to find good anime.