FILHO DA PUTA, VOU COMER SEU CU. ARROMBADO DO CARALHO, SUA MÃE ALUGA A BUCETA PRA COMPRAR FIXADOR DE DENTADURA PRO SEU PAI, AQUELE CORNO BROXA. CHIFRUDO, VOU ENFIAR MEU BRAÇO NO SEU ÂNUS E ARRANCAR SEU INTESTINO. LOGO DEPOIS VOU ENFORCAR SUA AVÓ COM ELE, AQUELA VELHA BISCATE QUE FAZ CROCHÊ PRA FORA EM TROCA DE PICA. SUAS TIAS TÊM PÊLO NO DENTE E SUA IRMÃ TEM POLENGUINHO NA VIRILHA, SEU GRANDE FILHO DA PRÊULA. SUA MÃE DAVA LEITE DA CABEÇA DO PAU DO SEU PAI PRA VOCÊ BEBER, FILHO DA PUTA. ISSO MESMO, VOCÊ TOMAVA MAMADEIRA DE PORRA DESDE CRIANÇA. POR ISSO É O RETARDADO MENTAL QUE É HOJE, SEU ZÉ BEBEDOR DE SUCO DE CARALHO. O PADRE TE BENZEU COM ÁGUA PARADA, HOJE VOCÊ SOFRE OS EFEITOS RETARDADOS DO AEDES AEGYPT QUE SE ALOJA DENTRO DO SEU OUVIDO, SEU MONTE DE ESTERCO. SEU AVÔ ARROMBADO USA FRALDA E TE OBRIGA A LIMPAR OS COCOZUDOS DELE COM UMA COLHER DE DANONINHO, SEU CAPACHO DO CARALHO. SUA MÃE TE FAZ DORMIR COM O REX, AQUELE CHIUAUA FILHO DA PUTA E CHEIO DE SARNA. E DURANTE A MADRUGADA O REX ABUSA SEXUALMENTE DE VOCÊ, ATÓLA A PATINHA DENTRO DESSE SEU CU PELÚDO, SEU FRACASSADO. LEMBRA DA JANDIRA, AQUELA SUA PRIMA MONOTETA ? POIS É, ENFIEI UM TACO DE BASEBALL NO CU DELA. A MÃE DELA DEU O FLAGRANTE NA GENTE E AO INVÉS DE FICAR BRAVA, PEDIU O TACO EMPRESTADO. VADIA DO CARALHO ESSA SUA TIA, SÓ PODE TER APRENDIDO COM SUA MÃE, AQUELA BISCATE. QUE ALIÁS, CONTINUA CHUPANDO O CARALHO DO ZÉ DO PACOTE, O TRAFICANTE QUE MORA AÍ DO LADO DA SUA CASA DE BARRO, SEU FILHO DUMA MACONHEIRA VAGABUNDA. O CABELO DA SUA MÃE É TÃO RUIM QUE ELA FAZ CHAPINHA NOS PÊLOS DO SOVACO E USA UM DESODORANTE COM CONDICIONADOR CAPILAR, AQUELA VELHA CARCOMIDA DESGRAÇADA. VOCÊ FOI ENCONTRADO NO LIXO, SEU MERDA. E ATÉ HOJE SUA MÃE PEDE DESCULPAS PRA DEUS PELO PEDAÇO DE MERDA QUE PARIU. ATÉ TE EMBALOU NUM SACO PRETO ANTES DE JOGAR NO LIXO, MAS VOCÊ É TÃO HORRÍVEL QUE UM MENDIGO TE ENCONTROU E QUASE TE COMEU ACHANDO QUE TU ERA UMA LAZANHA, SEU ESCROTO FILHO DA PUTA. SEU PAI VENDE CARTA DE MAGIC ROUBADA PRA JOGAR UMA HORA NA LAN HOUSE E ENTRAR EM SITE PORNÔ.
DEPOIS ELE SE MASTURBA E GOZA DENTRO DO SEU TRAVESSEIRO. ISSO MESMO, AQUELA MANCHA BRANCA QUE INSISTE EM APARECER TODA VEZ QUE VOCÊ ACORDA NÃO É SUA SALíVA, SEU FILHO DA PUTA. VOCÊ SEMPRE FOI O MAIS ALOPRADO DA CLASSE. LEMBRA QUANDO ENFIARAM UM GIZ NO SEU CU ? VOCÊ FICOU UMA SEMANA CAGANDO BRANCO, PARECIA GESSO. E QUANDO VOCÊ IA RECLAMAR COM A PROFESSORA, ELA TE MANDAVA CALAR A BOCA. AQUELA VELHA SEMPRE SOUBE QUE VOCÊ TEM PROBLEMAS MENTAIS, SEU RETARDADO. AÍ VOCÊ TINHA QUE CALAR ESSA SUA BOCA ENQUANTO O GIZ DERRETIA DENTRO DO SEU INTESTINO, HAHA. FRACASSADO, VÊ SE PASSA UMA GILLETTE NESSE SEU BIGODINHO RIDÍCULO. TU PARECE O MANO BROWN, PORRA. E DÁ UM JEITO NESSAS SUAS TETINHAS DE BRIGADEIRO, ELAS ESTÃO COMEÇANDO A FEDER. TODA VEZ QUE EU PASSO DO SEU LADO, SINTO CHEIRO DE CACHORRO MORTO. QUE ALIÁS, SE ASSEMELHA AO CHEIRO DA XAVASCA DA SUA MÃE, AQUELA LEITOA MALDITA. DIZ PRA ELA CONGELAR O FEIJÃO QUE HOJE EU VOU CHEGAR TARDE, SEU PUTO. SEU FILHO DUMA PUTA DO CARALHO SE ENXERGA PORRA... VAI TOMAR NO MEIO DA ÍRIS DO OLHO DO TEU CÚ SEU FILHO DUMA VENDEDORA DE PIROCÓPTERO.! SEU PAI VENDE BILHETE DE LOTERIA ESPORTIVA NA FRENTE DA SAPATARIA SEU FILHO DUMA PUTA DO CARALHO.! TOMARA Q SUA VÓ ESCORREGUE NO BOX ENQTO TIVER TOMANDO BANHO E CAIA DE TESTA NA SABONETEIRA SEU CORNO DO CARALHO.! QUERO MAIS EH QUE VC SE FODA JUNTO COM TODA A SUA FAMÍLIA AKELE BANDO DE CATADOR DE GARRAFA DO CENTRO COMUNITÁRIO.! SUA MÃE DA AULA DE MAMULENGO PROS PRESIDIÁRIOS DO CARANDIRÚ SEU FILHO DA PUTA.! SEU PAI ANDA PUXANDO UMA CARROÇA PELA CIDADE CATANDO PAPELÃO PRA DEPOIS FAZER UM PACOTÃO E VENDER TUDO POR 1 REAL! SUA MÃE ENCAPA SEUS LIVROS E CADERNOS COM SACO DE ARROZ TIO JOÃO SEU FILHO DUMA LAVADERA DO CARALHO.! SEU PAI VENDE REDE NO FAROL SEU FILHO DA PUTA.! SEU VÔ CONSERTA PANELA DE PRESSÃO E AMOLA FACA DE PORTA EM PORTA SEU FILHU DUM PÉ DE AIPIM.! SEU PAI FAZ CARRETO DE KOMBI PORRA... CARALHO.! VAI TOMA NO CÚ SEU FILHO DA PUTA EH ESSA PORRA DESSE CARALHO ESPACIAL VUANU ATRÁS DE VOCÊ PORRA VAI TOMA NO CÚ CARALHO.!
Shrek 2 Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Shrek 2 script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek 2. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek 2 Script
All Comments (4) Comments
DEPOIS ELE SE MASTURBA E GOZA DENTRO DO SEU TRAVESSEIRO. ISSO MESMO, AQUELA MANCHA BRANCA QUE INSISTE EM APARECER TODA VEZ QUE VOCÊ ACORDA NÃO É SUA SALíVA, SEU FILHO DA PUTA. VOCÊ SEMPRE FOI O MAIS ALOPRADO DA CLASSE. LEMBRA QUANDO ENFIARAM UM GIZ NO SEU CU ? VOCÊ FICOU UMA SEMANA CAGANDO BRANCO, PARECIA GESSO. E QUANDO VOCÊ IA RECLAMAR COM A PROFESSORA, ELA TE MANDAVA CALAR A BOCA. AQUELA VELHA SEMPRE SOUBE QUE VOCÊ TEM PROBLEMAS MENTAIS, SEU RETARDADO. AÍ VOCÊ TINHA QUE CALAR ESSA SUA BOCA ENQUANTO O GIZ DERRETIA DENTRO DO SEU INTESTINO, HAHA. FRACASSADO, VÊ SE PASSA UMA GILLETTE NESSE SEU BIGODINHO RIDÍCULO. TU PARECE O MANO BROWN, PORRA. E DÁ UM JEITO NESSAS SUAS TETINHAS DE BRIGADEIRO, ELAS ESTÃO COMEÇANDO A FEDER. TODA VEZ QUE EU PASSO DO SEU LADO, SINTO CHEIRO DE CACHORRO MORTO. QUE ALIÁS, SE ASSEMELHA AO CHEIRO DA XAVASCA DA SUA MÃE, AQUELA LEITOA MALDITA. DIZ PRA ELA CONGELAR O FEIJÃO QUE HOJE EU VOU CHEGAR TARDE, SEU PUTO. SEU FILHO DUMA PUTA DO CARALHO SE ENXERGA PORRA... VAI TOMAR NO MEIO DA ÍRIS DO OLHO DO TEU CÚ SEU FILHO DUMA VENDEDORA DE PIROCÓPTERO.! SEU PAI VENDE BILHETE DE LOTERIA ESPORTIVA NA FRENTE DA SAPATARIA SEU FILHO DUMA PUTA DO CARALHO.! TOMARA Q SUA VÓ ESCORREGUE NO BOX ENQTO TIVER TOMANDO BANHO E CAIA DE TESTA NA SABONETEIRA SEU CORNO DO CARALHO.! QUERO MAIS EH QUE VC SE FODA JUNTO COM TODA A SUA FAMÍLIA AKELE BANDO DE CATADOR DE GARRAFA DO CENTRO COMUNITÁRIO.! SUA MÃE DA AULA DE MAMULENGO PROS PRESIDIÁRIOS DO CARANDIRÚ SEU FILHO DA PUTA.! SEU PAI ANDA PUXANDO UMA CARROÇA PELA CIDADE CATANDO PAPELÃO PRA DEPOIS FAZER UM PACOTÃO E VENDER TUDO POR 1 REAL! SUA MÃE ENCAPA SEUS LIVROS E CADERNOS COM SACO DE ARROZ TIO JOÃO SEU FILHO DUMA LAVADERA DO CARALHO.! SEU PAI VENDE REDE NO FAROL SEU FILHO DA PUTA.! SEU VÔ CONSERTA PANELA DE PRESSÃO E AMOLA FACA DE PORTA EM PORTA SEU FILHU DUM PÉ DE AIPIM.! SEU PAI FAZ CARRETO DE KOMBI PORRA... CARALHO.! VAI TOMA NO CÚ SEU FILHO DA PUTA EH ESSA PORRA DESSE CARALHO ESPACIAL VUANU ATRÁS DE VOCÊ PORRA VAI TOMA NO CÚ CARALHO.!
Voila! Finally, the Shrek 2 script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, and Cameron Diaz. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Shrek 2. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.
Swing on back to Drew's Script-O-Rama afterwards for more free movie scripts!
Shrek 2 Script
[man's voice] Once upon a time
in a kingdom far, far away,
the king and queen were blessed
with a beautiful baby girl.
And throughout the land,
everyone was happy...
until the sun went down
and they saw that their daughter was
cursed with a frightful enchantment
that took hold each and every night.
Desperate, they sought the help
of a fairy godmother
who had them lock the young princess
away in a tower,
there to await the kiss...
of the handsome Prince Charming.
[horse whinnies]
It was he who would chance
the perilous journey
through blistering cold
and scorching desert
traveling for many days and nights,
risking life and limb
to reach the Dragon's keep.
[crows caw]
For he was the bravest,
and most handsome...
in all the land.
And it was destiny that his kiss
would break the dreaded curse.
He alone would climb to the highest room
of the tallest tower
to enter the princess's chambers,
cross the room to her sleeping silhouette,
pull back the gossamer curtains
to find her... [gasps]
What?
- Princess... Fiona?
- No!
[sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens.
Where is she?
- She's on her honeymoon.
- Honeymoon? With whom?
- She's on her honeymoon.
- Honeymoon? With whom?
[ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love]
So she said
what's the problem, baby?
What's the problem?
I don't know
Well, maybe I'm in love
Think about it
every time I think 'bout it
Can't stop thinking 'bout it
How much longer
will it take to cure this?
Just to cure it,
'cause I can't ignore it
If it's love, love
Makes me wanna turn around
and face me
But I don't know nothing
'bout love
Oh, come on, come on
- [screams]
- Turn a little faster
Come on, come on
The world will follow after
Come on, come on
Everybody's after love
So I said
I'm a snowball running
Running down into this spring
that's coming all this love
Melting under blue skies
belting out sunlight
Shimmering love
Well, baby, I surrender
To the strawberry ice cream
Never ever end of all this love
Well, I didn't mean to do it
But there's no escaping your love
These lines of lightning
mean we're never alone
Never alone, no, no
Come on, come on
Jump a little higher
Come on, come on
If you feel a little lighter
Come on, come on
We were once upon a time in love
Hyah!
We're accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally in love
Accidentally
I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
Accidentally in love
I'm in love
I'm in love
It's so good to be home!
- [distant singing]
- [giggling]
Just you and me and...
[Donkey sings]
- Two can be as bad as one...
- Donkey?
Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two
a sight for sore eyes!
Give us a hug, Shrek,
you old love machine.
[chuckles]
And look at you, Mrs. Shrek.
How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed?
Donkey, what are you doing here?
Taking care of your love nest for you.
Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail
and watering the plants?
- Yeah, and feeding the fish!
- I don't have any fish.
You do now. I call that one Shrek
and the other Fiona.
That Shrek is a rascally devil.
Get your...
Look at the time.
I guess you'd better be going.
Don't you want to tell me about your trip?
Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be
getting home to Dragon?
Oh, yeah, that.
I don't know.
She's been all moody and stuff lately.
I thought I'd move in with you.
You know we're always happy
to see you, Donkey.
But Fiona and I are married now.
We need a little time, you know,
to be together.
Just with each other.
Alone.
Say no more.
You don't have to worry about a thing.
I will always be here to make sure
nobody bothers you.
- Donkey!
- Yes, roomie?
You're bothering me.
Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess...
Me and Pinocchio was going to catch
a tournament, anyway, so...
Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday
for a barbecue or something.
He'll be fine.
Now, where were we?
[giggles] Oh.
I think I remember.
- Donkey!
- [Fiona yelps]
I know, I know! Alone!
I'm going! I'm going.
What do you want me
to tell these other guys?
[fanfare]
[ theme to Hawaii Five-O]
Enough, Reggie.
[clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona.
"You are hereby summoned
to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away
"for a royal ball
in celebration of your marriage
"at which time the King
"will bestow his royal blessing...
upon you and your..."
uh..."Prince Charming.
"Love, the King and Queen
of Far, Far Away.
"aka Mom and Dad."
Mom and Dad?
- Prince Charming?
- Royal ball? Can I come?
- We're not going.
- [both] What?
I mean, don't you think
they might be a bit...
shocked to see you like this?
[chuckles] Well, they might be
a bit surprised.
But they're my parents, Shrek.
They love me.
And don't worry.
They'll love you, too.
Yeah, right.
Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome
at the country club.
Stop it.
They're not like that.
How do you explain Sergeant Pompous
and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
Oh, come on! You could at least
give them a chance.
To do what?
Sharpen their pitchforks?
No! They just want
to give you their blessing.
Oh, great.
Now I need their blessing?
If you want to be a part
of this family, yes!
Who says I want
to be part of this family?
You did!
When you married me!
Well, there's some fine print for you!
[exasperated sigh]
So that's it. You won't come?
Trust me. It's a bad idea.
We are not going! And that's final!
Come on!
We don't want to hit traffic!
[Gingy] Don't worry!
We'll take care of everything.
[all cheer]
- Hey, wait for me. Oof!
- [glass breaks]
[sighs]
[ Chic: Le Freak]
Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up!
Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up!
Rawhide! Move 'em on!
Head 'em up!
Move 'em on! Move 'em on!
Head 'em up! Rawhide!
Ride 'em up! Move 'em on!
Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Rawhide!
Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead!
Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks!
Meet their mamas!
Milk 'em hard!
Rawhide!
Yee-haw!
- [Donkey] Are we there yet?
- [Shrek] No.
- [Donkey] Are we there yet?
- [Fiona] Not yet.
- [Donkey] OK, are we there yet?
- [Fiona] No.
- [Donkey] Are we there yet?
- [Shrek] No!
- [Donkey] Are we there yet?
- [Shrek] Yes.
- Really?
- No!
- Are we there yet?
- [Fiona] No!
- Are we there yet?
- [Shrek] We are not!
- Are we there yet?
- [Shrek & Fiona] No!
- Are we there yet?
- [Shrek mimics]
- That's not funny. That's really immature.
- [Shrek mimics]
- This is why nobody likes ogres.
- [Shrek mimics]
- Your loss!
- [Shrek mimics]
- I'm gonna just stop talking.
- Finally!
This is taking forever, Shrek.
There's no in-flight movie or nothing!
The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey.
That's where we're going.
Far, far...
[softly] away!
All right, all right, I get it.
I'm just so darn bored.
Well, find a way
to entertain yourself.
[sighs]
[deep sigh]
[clicks tongue]
[popping]
- [popping]
- [exasperated sigh]
For five minutes...
Could you not be yourself...
[shouts]... for five minutes!
- [popping]
- [shrieks]
Are we there yet?
- [chuckles] Yes!
- Oh, finally!
[fanfare]
[ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown]
Wow!
It's going to be champagne wishes
and caviar dreams from now on.
Hey, good-looking!
We'll be back to pick you up later!
Gotta make a move
to a town that's right for me
We are definitely not
in the swamp anymore.
[whistle] Halt!
Well, I talk about it, talk about it,
talk about it, talk about it
Hey, everyone, look.
Talk about, talk about movin'...
Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh?
You working that hat.
[Donkey] Swimming pools!
Movie stars!
[cheering]
[applause]
[fanfare]
Announcing the long-awaited return
of the beautiful Princess Fiona
and her new husband.
Well, this is it.
- This is it.
- This is it.
This is it.
[fanfare]
[fanfare and cheering stop]
[gasps]
[tweeting]
[baby wails]
Uh... why don't you guys go ahead?
I'll park the car.
[chuckles] So...
you still think
this was a good idea?
Of course! Look.
Mom and Dad look happy to see us.
- [softly] Who on earth are they?
- [softly] I think that's our little girl.
That's not little!
That's a really big problem.
Wasn't she supposed to kiss
Prince Charming and break the spell?
Well, he's no Prince Charming,
but they do look...
[softly] Happy now?
We came. We saw them.
Now let's go before
they light the torches.
- They're my parents.
- Hello? They locked you in a tower.
That was for my own...
Good! Here's our chance. Let's go
back inside and pretend we're not home.
Harold, we have to be...
Quick! While they're not looking
we can make a run for it.
Shrek, stop it!
Everything's gonna be...
A disaster! There is no way...
- You can do this.
- I really...
- Really...
- don't... want... to... be...
Here!
Mom... Dad...
I'd like you to meet my husband...
Shrek.
Well, um...
It's easy to see where Fiona
gets her good looks from.
[chuckles nervously]
[gulps]
[belches]
- Excuse me.
- [Shrek & Fiona laugh]
Better out than in,
I always say, eh, Fiona?
[both giggle]
[Shrek] That's good.
I guess not.
What do you mean, "not on the list"?
Don't tell me you don't know who I am.
What do you mean, "not on the list"?
Don't tell me you don't know who I am.
What's happening, everybody?
Thanks for waiting.
- I had the hardest time finding this place.
- No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
No, Dad! It's all right.
It's all right. He's with us.
- He helped rescue me from the dragon.
- That's me: the noble steed.
Waiter!
How 'bout a bowl for the steed?
Oh, boy.
[slurps]
- Um, Shrek?
- Yeah?
Oh, sorry!
Great soup, Mrs Q.
Mmm!
No, no. Darling.
[chuckles nervously] Oh!
So, Fiona, tell us
about where you live.
Well...
Shrek owns his own land.
- Don't you, honey?
- Oh, yes!
It's in an enchanted forest
abundant in squirrels
and cute little duckies and...
[laughing] What?
I know you ain't
talking about the swamp.
An ogre from a swamp.
Oh! How original.
I suppose that would be a fine place
to raise the children.
- [splutters]
- [chokes]
It's a bit early to be
thinking about that, isn't it?
- Indeed. I just started eating.
- Harold!
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Dad. It's great, OK?
- For his type, yes.
- My type?
I got to go to the bathroom.
- Dinner is served!
- Never mind. I can hold it.
Bon appetit!
Oh, Mexican food!
My favorite.
Let's not sit here with our tummies
rumbling. Everybody dig in.
Don't mind if I do, Lillian.
I suppose any grandchildren
I could expect from you would be...
Ogres, yes!
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Right, Harold?
Oh, no! No! Of course, not!
That is, assuming you don't
eat your own young!
Dad!
No, we usually prefer the ones
who've been locked away in a tower!
- Shrek, please!
- I only did that because I love her.
Aye, day care
or dragon-guarded castle.
You wouldn't understand.
You're not her father!
It's so nice to have the family
together for dinner.
- Harold!
- Shrek!
- Fiona!
- Fiona!
- Mom!
- Harold...
Donkey!
[glissando]
Your fallen tears have called to me
So, here comes my sweet remedy
I know what every princess needs
For her to live life happily...
[both gasp]
Oh, my dear.
Oh, look at you.
You're all grown up.
- Who are you?
- Oh, sweet pea!
I'm your fairy godmother.
- I have a fairy godmother?
- Shush, shush.
Now, don't worry.
I'm here to make it all better.
With just a...
Wave of my magic wand
Your troubles will soon be gone
With a flick of the wrist and just a flash
You'll land a prince with a ton of cash
A high-priced dress
made by mice no less
Some crystal glass pumps
And no more stress
Your worries will vanish,
your soul will cleanse
Confide in your very own
furniture friends
We'll help you set a new fashion trend
- I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great
- The kind of girl a prince would date!
They'll write your name
on the bathroom wall...
"For a happy ever after,
give Fiona a call!"
A sporty carriage to ride in style,
Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle
Banish your blemishes, tooth decay,
Cellulite thighs will fade away
And oh, what the hey!
Have a bichon frisé! '
Nip and tuck, here and there
to land that prince with the perfect hair
Lipstick liners, shadows blush
To get that prince with the sexy tush
Lucky day, hunk buffet
You and your prince take a roll in the hay
You can spoon on the moon
With the prince to the tune
Don't be drab, you'll be fab
Your prince will have rock-hard abs
Cheese soufflé, Valentine's Day
Have some chicken fricassee!
Nip and tuck, here and there
To land that prince with the perfect hair
Stop!
[chuckles] Look...
Thank you very much,
Fairy Godmother,
but I really don't need all this.
[gasps and mutterings of disapproval]
- Fine. Be that way.
- We didn't like you, anyway.
- [knocking]
- [Shrek] Fiona? Fiona?
[dog barks]
Oh! You got a puppy?
All I got in my room was shampoo.
Oh, uh...
Fairy Godmother, furniture...
[giggles]
I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek.
Your husband? What? What did you say?
When did this happen?
Shrek is the one who rescued me.
- But that can't be right.
- Oh, great, more relatives!
She's just trying to help.
Good! She can help us pack.
Get your coat, dear. We're leaving.
- What?
- I don't want to leave.
When did you decide this?
- Shortly after arriving.
- Look, I'm sorry...
No, that's all right.
I need to go, anyway.
But remember, dear.
If you should ever need me...
happiness...
is just a teardrop away.
Thanks, but we've got all
the happiness we need.
Happy, happy, happy...
[laughs] So I see.
Let's go, Kyle.
- Very nice, Shrek.
- What?
I told you coming here was a bad idea.
You could've at least tried
to get along with my father.
I don't think I was going to get
Daddy's blessing,
even if I did want it.
Do you think it might be nice
if somebody asked me what I wanted?
Sure. Do you want me
to pack for you?
You're unbelievable!
You're behaving like a...
- Go on! Say it!
- Like an ogre!
Here's a news flash for you!
Whether your parents like it or not...
I am an ogre!
- [yelps]
- [roars]
And guess what, Princess?
That's not about to change.
I've made changes for you, Shrek.
Think about that.
That's real smooth, Shrek.
"I'm an ogre!"
[mimics Shrek roaring]
[sniffling]
I knew this would happen.
[Lillian] You should.
You started it.
I can hardly believe that, Lillian.
He's the ogre. Not me.
I think, Harold, you're taking this
a little too personally.
This is Fiona's choice.
But she was supposed to choose
the prince we picked for her.
I mean, you expect me to give
my blessings to this... thing?
Fiona does.
And she'll never forgive you if you don't.
I don't want to lose
our daughter again, Harold.
Oh, you act as if love
is totally predictable.
Don't you remember when
we were young?
We used to walk
down by the lily pond and...
- they were in bloom...
- Our first kiss.
It's not the same!
I don't think you realize that
our daughter has married a monster!
Oh, stop being such a drama king.
Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong!
La, di, da, di, da!
Isn't it all wonderful!
I'd like to know
how it could get any worse!
- Hello, Harold.
- [gasps]
- What happened?
- Nothing, dear!
Just the old crusade wound
playing up a bit!
[chuckles]
I'll just stretch it
out here for a while.
You better get in.
We need to talk.
Actually, Fairy Godmother,
off to bed.
[yawns] Already taken my pills,
and they tend to make me a bit drowsy.
So, how about... we make this
a quick visit. What?
Oh, hello.
Ha-ha-ha!
So, what's new?
You remember my son,
Prince Charming?
Is that you? My gosh!
It's been years.
When did you get back?
Oh, about five minutes ago, actually.
After I endured blistering winds,
scorching desert...
I climbed to the highest room
in the tallest tower...
Mommy can handle this.
He endures blistering winds
and scorching desert!
He climbs to the highest bloody room
of the tallest bloody tower...
And what does he find?
Some gender-confused wolf
telling him that his princess
is already married.
It wasn't my fault.
He didn't get there in time.
Stop the car!
[crash]
Harold.
You force me to do something
I really don't want to do.
[gasps] Where are we?
Hi. Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy!
May I take your order?
My diet is ruined!
I hope you're happy. Er... okay.
Two Renaissance Wraps,
no mayo... chili rings...
- I'll have the Medieval Meal.
- One Medieval Meal and, Harold...
- Curly fries?
- No, thank you.
- Sourdough soft taco, then?
- No, really, I'm fine.
Your order, Fairy Godmother.
This comes with the Medieval Meal.
There you are, dear.
We made a deal, Harold, and I assume
you don't want me to go back on my part.
[sighs deeply] Indeed not.
So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
- Yes.
- Believe me, Harold. It's what's best.
Not only for your daughter...
but for your Kingdom.
What am I supposed to do about it?
Use your imagination.
[whooshing]
[whinnies]
Oh...
Come on in, Your Majesty.
[piano plays, people talk]
I like my town
With a little drop of poison
Nobody knows...
[barman belches]
[clears throat] Excuse me.
Do I know you?
No, you must be mistaking me
for someone else.
Uh... excuse me.
I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister.
Ah! There you are. Right.
You see, I need to have
someone taken care of.
- Who's the guy?
- Well, he's not a guy, per se.
Um... He's an ogre.
[crowd gasp]
Hey, buddy, let me clue you in.
There's only one fellow who can handle
a job like that, and, frankly...
he don't like to be disturbed.
he don't like to be disturbed.
Where could I find him?
[knock on door]
Hello?
Who dares enter my room?
Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but
I'm told you're the one to talk to
about an ogre problem?
You are told correct.
But for this, I charge
a great deal of money.
Would... this be enough?
You have engaged my valuable
services, Your Majesty.
Just tell me where
I can find this ogre.
[ Eels: I Need Some Sleep]
[snoring]
[chimes]
Everyone says
I'm getting down too low
Everyone says
you've just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning round
Everyone says
you've just gotta let it go
Everyone says
you've just gotta let it go
Dear Knight, I pray that you take
this favor as a token of my gratitude.
[plays tune]
Dear Diary...
Sleeping Beauty is having
a slumber party tomorrow,
but Dad says I can't go.
He never lets me out after sunset.
Dad says I'm going away for a while.
Must be like some finishing school.
Mom says that when I'm old enough,
my Prince Charming will rescue me
from my tower
and bring me back to my family,
and we'll all live
happily ever after.
Mrs. Fiona Charming.
Mrs. Fiona Charming.
Mrs. Fiona Charming.
[echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming.
[knock on door]
Sorry. I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.
No, no. I was just reading a, uh...
a scary book.
I was hoping you'd let me apologize
for my despicable behavior earlier.
- Okay...
- I don't know what came over me.
Do you suppose we could pretend
it never happened and start over...
- Look, Your Majesty, I just...
- Please. Call me Dad.
Dad. We both acted like ogres.
Maybe we just need some time
to get to know each other.
Excellent idea! I was actually hoping
you might join me for a morning hunt.
A little father-son time?
I know it would mean
the world to Fiona.
[sighs]
Shall we say,
: by the old oak?
[birds twitter]
[Shrek] Face it, Donkey!
We're lost.
We can't be lost. We followed
the King's instructions exactly.
"Head to the
darkest part of the woods..."
"Past the sinister trees
with scary-looking branches."
- The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!
- We passed that three times already!
You were the one who said
not to stop for directions.
Oh, gr