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And I guess I do.
Cause it's probably the hardest thing to actually know ourselves...Oh well. I guess there's no need to directly reply to everything you said since it was more of a confession or something...but will you listen to mine, then?
I obviously figured out who "-Aria" is from the start. More than that, I knew who "-Lauren" was before she became "-Aria". You can say it was a pure coincidence that I just happened to be in the right place at the right time to notice, but who knows. Maybe it was more than just a coincidence. I'd like to believe it was more than just a coincidence.
So what's to say...everything I did all this time, I did intentionally. "Discarding" you as well. But believe me, to simply hurt you wasn't my intention. Or rather, it wasn't my intention at all. I was frustrated, yes. With the fact that, despite everything, you kept running away. With that obsession with "privacy". But more than anything, I was frustrated because I felt that if you're going to continue this way, you'll have to suffer more later in life. I'm not going to hide behind some noble cause, but I really thought you needed a push. To be able to move forward. And to never experience the same situation again. To stop being just "a name and a picture" but to actually be yourself. I guess it was really selfish of me to try thinking for you, because I obviously didn't know your circumstances. But you didn't know mine either. I suppose that everyone thinks life's harder for them than for anyone else, and at the same time, no one wants to let others know why they think like that. So we have to make an effort to truly understand each other.
So, that happened.
Then happened these "silly" songs that I also posted intentionally. Most of them had hidden "messages", because...well, I hoped you'd notice them. Since the very first day. Heck, I even wanted to create a new "fake" account named "Pink's1130" so you can write there (I was sure you'd realize that hint), but you know how MAL worked at the time so I had to abandon this idea...so almost all the songs had a meaning. "Perfect", "Need You Now", even those three songs by DenKare - one with the vid featuring a picture I once used as my avatar here, but with a second character this time...
I really wanted to wake up one day and see a message from you (yes I blocked "desolato" but I knew about "-Lauren" already and you had my email as well). I even did silly childish things like playing solitaire "for a wish" (learned about that from my friend's mom when I was still a kid - you wish for something, and then try to complete that solitaire thingo), wishing for "Lauren to write something to me". Not a single time I got those cards right. And I couldn't write to you myself...I didn't have the right to. But there wasn't a single day I didn't think about you. I kept visiting your profiles, blog, checked my email everyday...
Now, regarding "replacement"...there could never be one. Even if it may not seem like that, believe me. Cause there are circumstances (yeah, again, them) which you don't know and I can't disclose. Cause people are different. And for different people, there is a different place in one's heart. And when a person disappears from the heart, the place can be filled with meat or blood or anything...but not with another person.
But people don't disappear from one's heart that fast. Too bad that it often takes them to disappear, to make us realize how big was the place they were occupying.
So, I apologize to you as well. As for what to do next...it's your decision to make.
And if you don't mind one more song... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvAY5Ppf_SM
Do I still know you?..Do you still know me?