Clarus_Nox said: also idk why everyone assumed i'd be traveling back in time to Gray Gardens :T You mentioned needing to get there at a very specific time. Because I never got a super-clear indication of when your story was taking place (which is completely fine), you really wouldn't have needed the haste otherwise. Or so I thought. |
| yeah but... time travel? |
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| Well the discussion before started with some ppl thinking it was okay to have new stories start at earlier times, but it never fully got approved. The one issue was the timing of the moon festival, I don't think its really around this time but eh if tyger was okay with it, I can't complain. Slick move with the dwarf, and nice cameo for tyger and Aneski (I'm assuming it was Aneski and not one of his daughters or sister in laws lol) :3 |
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greatgreenman said: The one issue was the timing of the moon festival, I don't think its really around this time but eh if tyger was okay with it, I can't complain. The Moon Bazaar is kind of a floating holiday. It occurs on the first Full Moon of the new year, which begins in the Spring (at least by the Charissi calendar -- it hasn't been established whether or not all of the regions use the same calendar). And yeah, that was Aneksi. No explanation of where Amethyst (who'd be about three months old at this time) was. Presumably she was with her aunties. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| Would have thought Tyger's cameo would have caught the attention of more than 2 people :T |
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Clarus_Nox said: Would have thought Tyger's cameo would have caught the attention of more than 2 people :T School just started for a bunch of people so people will probably trickle back in =) |
| i keep forgetting that :T |
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| Chapter 21 “Thought you were going to see that Dark Star person.” I said as I walked back to our tent with Silvia. “I was but I lost interest and came to find you.” Silvia responded with her arms behind her head as we turned looking into the sky. “I see.” It didn't take us long to arrive back at our tent as the last rays of sunlight fell onto the area. After we entered the tent we sat down in silence. Although Silvia seemed to be wanting to say something but was hesitating. Until... “It's a full moon tonight...” “Is it?” “Yes... Um... w-would you w-want to do it? “Do what?” “Have sex...?” “That was a great concert!” After having gotten dressed once more, Silvia and I step outside and sit in front to stargaze whilst waiting for Ione and Iva to return. After what seemed like three hours the girls returned, Iva going on about how grand and dreamy Dark Star was. Ione however seemed to not be in similar high spirits. “None could compare to Dark Star's voice, wouldn't ya agree Ione?” Ione however didn't show any signs of agreement nor disagreement. Iva apparently taking it as disagreement continued, “Huh? Ya think there is someone who could compare? Well then do tell.” Ione then looked away from Iva towards the tent and Silvia and I, and raised her wing slightly to wave. I responded in kind but Iva took the greeting for something else, “Ya think the boy compare?! I'd bet he doesn't have a single harmonic note in his body!” Iva laughed as she continued with her assumptions of me. It wasn't like she was wrong, I wasn't much of a singer. But Ione's countenance showed displeasure. “Wah! Why are ya angry? Alright I won't say any more bad things bout the boy's singing.” Ione's expression softened slightly at Iva's answer. 'That's the first time I've seen Ione get angry...' “Top of the evenin. Didn't think I'd be seein ye here dis year Iva.” I look to the new voice and see the small orange haired girl from earlier in the day run up to Iva. But not before shooting me a glance. “Cleena, perfect. I've a favor to ask of ya.” replied Iva before running into the tent. Short moments later she returns with a small piece metal. “Can ya shape this into a ring?” The girl named Cleena took the piece and examined it for a moment before asking, “Dis here's no metal I'm familiar with. Where's it from?” “A fragment of Walter's arm.” Iva's speech had once again become more formal. “Oi... so ye finally did away with dat huh?” “Yes, I have prolonged it long enough. So can you do it?” “Aye it might be a tad difficult being something Nina and I don't know about, but we should be able ta manage.” “Thank you. I shall be turning early tonight, we will be leaving soon as Cleena is finished with the ring.” And with that Iva retired to the tent. “Hmm...” “Is... something the matter?” asked Silvia as Cleena had begun to stare intently at her. But instead of replying she just gave an affirmative nod and turned towards Ione, who had made her way next to me. Under the intense analytical stare Ione began to shirk behind me but then Cleena spoke up again, “Alright! I gots all I need to complete me work. Have a good night.” And with that she made off to to her own tent. |
Clarus_NoxSep 11, 2014 7:48 AM
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| Not that we NEED the h-scene, but if you're going to write it off, you need to do more to allude to what happened. Don't take a middle ground where you describe sex without detail, that's kinda lazy, sorry. Either you have the h-scene or you give a simple description like "We shared a passionate session of love making. I took the initiative at first, since it was obvious Silvia was anxious about even asking. Though the effect of the full moon became more apparent and she switched roles, the moon inducing a powerful lust and forcing her to take control so as to satisfy her urges..." That's a shit example but I hope it gets the point across; you don't need to go into detail, we don't always need it, but put in a bit more effort. Just constructive criticism, I hope you don't take offense. |
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greatgreenman said: Not that we NEED the h-scene, but if you're going to write it off, you need to do more to allude to what happened. Don't take a middle ground where you describe sex without detail, that's kinda lazy, sorry. Either you have the h-scene or you give a simple description like "We shared a passionate session of love making. I took the initiative at first, since it was obvious Silvia was anxious about even asking. Though the effect of the full moon became more apparent and she switched roles, the moon inducing a powerful lust and forcing her to take control so as to satisfy her urges..." You don't need to go into detail, we don't always need it, but put in a bit more effort. Just constructive criticism, I hope you don't take offense. *copy and pastes example* j/k i will be doing it properly later today or tomorrow and making mental note to not write when angry(recent arguments) apparently it effects my quality significantly (or at least i think it shows) |
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| Yeah when you're angry, don't write your story. You could use it as inspiration for a particular chapter, but if it wont help you write what you're on NOW then don't do it. It would make your characters appear to experience something strange; their personalities will have an unnatural shift, the events won't pan out as fluidly, interactions will suffer. Its just not a good idea. |
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| for the record, what do you think of the rest of the chapter, short as it is |
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| Ione's interaction with Iva was funny, I'll reserve judgement on the ring until I see whats done with it. I liked the timid nature that Silvia displayed, though I'd think the full moon would make her more aggressive, but that's just me. Everyone is unique so i'm sure werewolves are the same, each person would experience the full moon differently |
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| The disassembling of that thing is hard for me to see as anything but a relief... Otherwise, I had the same view of the h-scene. Just a brief description tends to work in a situation like that. |
emeraldtryst said: The disassembling of that thing is hard for me to see as anything but a relief... Otherwise, I had the same view of the h-scene. Just a brief description tends to work in a situation like that. that was the entire plan for the arm from the begining, as i said it holds no specific special meaning to the story itself |
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| I would've liked to see the h-scene, but green's right -- we don't always need them. Something more than, "Oh, yeah, they had sex," is a necessity, though. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
tygertyger said: I would've liked to see the h-scene, but green's right -- we don't always need them. Something more than, "Oh, yeah, they had sex," is a necessity, though. yeah im writing it now but i cant seem to make it sound right |
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| well if its romantic, focus more on the emotions, if its raw passion, focus on the energy, if its just a quickie... well focus on the regret and shame afterwards XD, but honestly when it comes to scenes like that without the detail, its more about what the characters are feeling (not physically) and how their personality or mood is being portrayed through the deed. You want to draw attention away from the deed itself and more about what it means or whats significant about the participants during it. Since Silvia mentioned the full moon, that should definitely be an element to it, describe how she is affected by it, how that played a role and what your MC felt about it (awe at the raw passion, regret at feeling like a sex toy, amusement at her wild lust, etc) |
New_User_12345Sep 10, 2014 10:18 PM
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| its so hard writing bout sex :T so much detail |
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Clarus_Nox said: its so hard writing bout sex :T so much detail After a long coaching session from my girlfriend, I have come to understand that (according to her) the ladies like the feelings that go with it while (most) men are more interested in the mechanics of the act. I certainly won't claim to be a master (or even all that good), but I tried to lean more towards the former for emotional booty scenes and the latter for the more spirited/lust-driven. |
| Ahahha XD The heck was that sentence about the H-scene!? XD No I mean, I'm with the others about the fact that there's no obligation to have it, that's for sure. But if you're planning to have a deep romantic relationship you'll eventually need it. And c'mon, at least put a bit more effort on it, please! XD I'll be waiting to see how this will end up ù_ù |
 "You keep changing the shape of your eyes. How does that even work?" -AbhLeaderKrelian |
| Fuck it I'm going for it. *makes a short music playlist comprised of sweet child o'mine, kiss from a rose, and desert rose* hopefully this'll help with inspiration. |
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| ok i finished it, and ended up with alot more words than i thought i could do :T but now my sex scene wit silvia is uploaded for you guys to see ....ya sick bastards .... im blaming you guys if she turns into a voyeur. jokes aside, 10 points to who ever can explain the drastic change in personality hint opinions? |
Clarus_NoxSep 11, 2014 8:10 AM
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| Hmm so you went from not wanting to write an h-scene to full scale h-scene. It wasn't overly graphic but still not where I thought you wanted to go with it. If I were to guess on the personality change, I would have to say that the moon had SOME effect, maybe not all but it was certainly a factor. Otherwise I'd say she's developing emotionally, attributing more attachment to the MC than just being her "master". This emotion is new to someone who would typically operate on instinct alone, thus becoming unsure how to approach the act. Inside she's still the wolf, but a new feminine persona is starting to surface, which wanted more from the act than just raw passion, wanting the connection and feelings associated with the deed. how's that? Edit: Also, you might want to do some grammar and spelling checks. Nothing too horrible that it was distracting, though you did mention her handling you like you were fragile twice lol. |
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| Well your not wrong about the emotional development and seeing Ryan as more than simply her 'master' or any of the other stuff. However, that is not the main reason. |
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| the fragile thing was in regards to 2 separate actions, i felt it was appropriate to to express it in both actions since one was simply cupping the MC's face while the other was pulling him. |
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| Maybe so, but you want to avoid using the same words too often. Like if you refer to the same person multiple times, you don't want to keep using just "she", their name, or even "her" too often, one after another. Even a synonym of fragile is better. Well there aren't really any other clues to work with that I see. |
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| I tried to avoid that, also fragile and frangible are 2 different words. *unless internet lies to me* I believe I made the clues there, though i hope i didn't bury them too much :T |
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| Really short chapter, not much else i can do until Shadowclaw catches up. Chapter 22 – To Gray Gardens The following morning was fairly uneventful, Iva had turned in early and Ione didn't wait much longer herself. After watching the night sky for a short while longer I turned in as well leaving Silvia who wished to continue stargazing. We woke, we ate, we waited for Cleena to finish the items. For the most part the area in the Moon Bazaar had become vacant. As we approached midday, Cleena came by and delivered Iva's ring. Then pulling me aside, way aside, she whispered to me. “I be assuming ye want to keep the items a surprise til de time is right, aye? Dis should be far enough from the pup's hearin.” Taking out a small box Cleena opened it and revealed the contents. Inside were two items, the first was a leather collar embroidered with a design of a wolf head made from white gold and black sapphires. And the second was a silver anklet with a pair of wings accented with black sapphires. “Don't think I need point out the obvious but the collar is for ye pup and the anklet for ye fledglin. So, is the work to ye satisfaction?” “They look great.” “Glad ta hear it.” Closing the box and handing it to me. “If ye need anythin, ye can find my shop in Bestalion in Kioko. But don't be excepting special treatment ye hear?” After the exchange Cleena went to her own way, Silvia had asked tried getting me to tell her what it was about but I kept telling her it was a surprise and I was not going to to tell her until I decided to. Ione seemed to be interested as well as she and Silvia both had put on pouting faces as a last ditch attempt to get me to show them. Too bad for them, my three younger sister's helped me gain an immunity toward such cute things. Our journey from the Moon Bazaar from that point had been uneventful at best. We had not come across another person the entire over the next couple weeks as we made our way to the 'Cursed' Gray Gardens. “I believe we should be almost there, shouldn't take us more than a few more hours.” Iva noted. Personally, I was just about fed up with sand. Ione and Silvia didn't seem to care for the desert either at this point. But as we continued we noticed another group. A group of three lizardmen. They each had brown scales instead of the green ones depicted in the encyclopedia but there wasn't any mistaking that. Noticing each other both groups halted their advances. I decided to make the first move as I reached for my sword, so did two of the lizards. But neither side drew their blades. The third lizard behind the first two made no attempt to draw her blade as she looked me and my group over calmly. “We don't have any interest in either side of this war, we are just traveling.” I exclaimed, predicting this to be like the previous encounter. It was then that the third lizard made a move, she took a few steps past her companions and waved them down with her hand before addressing us, “My name is Raheli! We, too, neither side with Charisse nor Isis. Up ahead is the privately owned area, Gray Gardens. We offer sanctuary to travelers and refugees of the war alike. Should you wished for a safe place to stay for a brief while, we would be willing to act as guides the rest of the way.” “Privately own?” Iva muttered, “Well regardless, there is little reason to turn down an offer.” Nodding at Iva's reply Raheli said, “This way.” and paused for us to introduce ourselves. “My name is Ryan, the werewolf is Silvia, the harpy Ione, and the child Iva.” “I AM NOT A CHILD!!!” |
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| Hmm not much to say, it was rather short, not much development other than further wait til the aforementioned gray gardens. |
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| If I was in the neighborhood, I'm sure I'd want to do some gray gardening as well...or something. Potential crossover coming up though? Sounds cool to me =) |
| A new challenger has appeared!!! chapter 23 – Surprise. -Iva's perspective- After we accepted the aid of the lizard Raheli, not much else was said. There was not much tension in the air as opposed to the kids being simply too tired to strike up conversation with our new companions. The young harpy, Ione, was surprisingly resilient but remained at a slight distance from the lizards. The werewolf, Silvia, also did not seem too bothered by the heat and attempted to maintain an even pace with her human companion. The human, Ryan, showed the least amount of comfort. One could easily guess he was fed up with sand at this point. Based on the information I had gathered, I can easily say that this boy quite able. However he is flawed in just about every one of his strengths, be it his understanding or his own estimates of his limits. I should attempt to resolve this issue if I am to make use of him in the future. Silvia is a mystery. I feel as though I have seen this pup somewhere before but I can not place my finger on it. However while she may have the boy and the harpy fooled, I can see that she is not as helpless as she lets own. 'What do they mean privately owned? Last I checked Gray Gardens was still under its curse. Has someone took up settlement in the surrounding area within the last year?' Taking a glance at the lizards I just sighed as this was not going to solve anything. If there is no longer a curse then fine, if it is still there then nothing has changed. That was all there was to it. Having come to a conclusion of sorts, my mind begins to wonder to pass the time. Eventually coming back to Darkstar and the Moon Bazaar. 'Such a lovely voice. A little aged but he still seemed full of energy. And I could swear he looked right at me during the concert.' Feeling a bit of moisture on the side of my mouth I try to wipe it away nonchalantly as though I were dealing with sweat. 'Perhaps I should think of something else... I wonder if Walter would be jealous if Darkstar took an interest in me... Well it isn't like I could blame him. I AM the most adorable thing in existence, it's only natural that someone of my caliber would attract such a....' A sudden change in the air brought an abrupt halt to my train of thought. 'A teleportation spell?' I begin to raise my hand to attempt to counter the spell and redirect it someplace else when a better thought crosses my mind. 'Actually, no. Let's see how you handle this little surprise visit boy.' Sneaking a glance over to the young human 'warrior'. 'Let me see if you can indeed be useful for me down the road.' Lowering my hand I await the spell's completion when a sudden flash of light erupts in front of us. The events happened quickly. All three of the lizards began to draw their blades in anticipation against the sudden occurrence. It seemed the boy had noticed the lizards reaction in beginning to draw their blades and made to do the same but the exact location of the teleport is much closer to him than the lizards. The boy made a decision and swung his blade so it was pointed at the newcomer with only a few inches between them and the blade. The light began to fade and two figures stood in the epicenter of the faded light. A human and a cockatrice. The next events seemed to happen even faster than the previous. The cockatrice immediately took notice of the boy's sword pointed, coincidentally, at the human and immediately casted her petrification spell on him. Poor boy didn't even know what hit him. Silvia however did and moved with nearly earth shattering speed pinning the now poor cockatrice face first into the sand. What came next caught me slightly off guard. A rather fierce growl erupted from Silvia's lips as she spoke, “Undo it or I tear off you wings.” The lizards had moved closer to make sure the human made no funny moves, but the one closer to Silvia seemed to have been more on guard slightly by the sudden change in the werewolf's disposition and commanding ferocity she suddenly was giving off. Then it click. I knew who this werewolf was. Looking back to the boy and then to the cockatrice, I spoke up. “Hey human. Tell ya bird to undo it and state ya business with us. If ya are hostel then ya should be able to figure out how this'll end up. If ya ain't, then there is no reason for ya to not comply.” Nervously nodding he turns toward Silvia and the cockatrice and speaks, “T-Trigria please undo... whatever it was you did... W-we don't want any problems, we heard there was a settlement near by...” “You have some kind of business in Gray Gardens?” Raheli chimed in. “Y-yes ma'am... I'm looking for a sphinx...” “Let the cockatrice up so she can undo the petrification. We will not let her make a run for it.” Raheli said addressing Silvia. With more than apparent reluctance, Silvia allowed the bird to pick herself up and watched her every move ready to strike her down should she do anything unneeded. The cockatrice gave the boy a light peck. As his body began to return to normal, the girl returned to the human's side clinging to his shoulder. Coughing up a fit as the boy began breathing once more he was quickly tackled to the ground by Silvia, whom had reverted back to her usual self. “I was so worried. Are you alright Master Ryan?” “Y-yeah, just a little stiff...” The human seeming a bit confused at the sudden change then began talking with the lizards about getting to his destination. Before long we had begun to set out once more. My eye staring intently at Silvia now, I failed to suppress a slightly dark and amused smile. 'Quite a ploy you got going, White Hunter....' |
Clarus_NoxSep 21, 2014 7:26 AM
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| Excellent form of introduction, my congratulation to you sir. now the real business will begin :P |
| I sort of like that this desert hotspot is famous enough (even before coming back to life) to have garnered the notice of those outside. Trying to give myself story a reason to head into the desert now =P |
| Finally! This is the kind of character development I've been waiting for! Now we see what Iva's really about, and get a little backstory on Silvia, to boot! |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| Poor Tigria |
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greatgreenman said: Poor Tigria Yeah, what's up with Silvia? I've never seen her act like that. XT |
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| Nah she was just reacting, it's all Ryan's fault :P |
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| Well, if you say so.... wait HOW'S IT MY FAULT!? D: |
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| taking a swing at an unknown presence? Thats a good way to end up dead, say a neutral but powerful force had taken a hit? Or you struck down a child? Draw and prepare for sure, but draw and swing? Your fault :P |
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greatgreenman said: taking a swing at an unknown presence? Thats a good way to end up dead, say a neutral but powerful force had taken a hit? Or you struck down a child? Draw and prepare for sure, but draw and swing? Your fault :P my swing had reach it's finish and my blade was simply being pointed at the guy! there was 4 or 5 inches between him and my blade as well. I'm a victim ;~; |
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| Nope, if I found a sword pointed in my face (5 inches away) or the face of my child, I see that as an attack. If I'm a powerful MG, I'm going to destroy you :P. If I'm a child, I'm going to cry and then my powerful MG parent is going to destroy you. Just ready your sword, anything else is excessive :P Judge: "Has the jury reached a verdict?" Foreman: "We have your honor, we find the defendant "Ryan whatshisface"... Guilty!" |
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| I OBJECT!!! the defendant teleported mere feet from us. the entire territory is in a state of civil war. |
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Clarus_Nox said: I OBJECT!!! the defendant teleported mere feet from us. the entire territory is in a state of civil war. I'm with Green on this one. Say what you want, but the party on the other end of the sword will make her/his own decision on whether or not your action was reasonable. For my own part -- and I mean this irl, not in story -- if you put a blade in my face like that, I'll break your arm first chance I get and ask why you did it when the cops show up to collect you. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| maybe i did over react ;~; but wasnt being turned to stone punishment enough? |
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Clarus_Nox said: maybe i did over react ;~; but wasnt being turned to stone punishment enough? The Cockatrice would certainly think so. Being petrified certainly isn't fun -- I'm in a position to know. ;) |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| The defendant is hereby sentenced to two months community service. Kami's cage needs cleaning... Start with that, and once he starts behaving I'll let him come back :P |
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| *skips out* |
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| See, that right there is a bad idea. Escaping makes the whole thing a felony and then you get sentenced to like...community service in Kaori. |
| Well, you know I caught up already, but still XD |
"You keep changing the shape of your eyes. How does that even work?" -AbhLeaderKrelian |
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