130nu said: took the chapter down might try to rewrite it or i might just stop not sure yet There is no need to stop. You can do better and you proved it by the initials chapters of your own story. |
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| i decided to put i back up -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I lifted myself up groaning off the cold stone. Blood dripping down my forehead I tried to process everything that had just happened. It went by so fast I woke up to the sounds of a fight and ash missing. I poked my head out of the carriage and I could see the two centaurs and ash fighting a large group of people. I was too tired to accurately count how many there were but that sleepiness didn’t last long as an arrow stuck its right into the side of the carriage just an inch from my head. It woke me right up as my eyes went from nearly closed to wide open in a matter of seconds as I let out a very girly scream. On the inside I face palmed at it. It pulled ash’s attention away from her fight which I really started to feel bad about around now as she was hit over the head by a club most likely hurt. She didn’t go down tho and she picked the guy that hit her up and flung him into three of his friends. She then rushed over to me and handed me the pack of supplies. Her words where difficult to hear but I could make out bandits and run. She pushed me and not wanting to make her mad I started running. I felt really bad since I was leaving it as a 3 vs what I could make out 10 as I took off down the side of the mountain path we were stopped on. I was about half way down when I heard ash scream no. that was when I felt them two arrows one in my left leg and another in my right shoulder. They pierced my flesh and white hot pain shot through me as I fell and tumbled down the rest of the way. When I reached the bottom I couldn’t move it hurt too much. I wish I had moved tho as I started to black out the ground below me started to crack and give way. I finally finished processing all that and looking around I could see I was in a cave lit by some torches and the hole I fell from I was worried since the torches looked freshly lit, but it wasn’t only that my body started to move on its own towards something in the center of the cave it looked like a large pillar shaped a bit like a wolf at the top. I could feel the arrows still in me shift causing more damage as my legs moved and my blood drained from me. As I drew closer i thought to myself I’m going to die in here. I finally reached it and my hand put its self on the wolf snout smearing it with my blood before I regained control and collapsed there. “It…it’s getting so cold” I said to myself as my life slowly faded. |
130nuOct 1, 2015 4:48 PM
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| okay guys after a big writers wall and alot of nervousness later i got the next chapter i started to write convos in a differnt style as i rp alot . as well might try a diary chapter once in a while when i get to having my mc own one who knows how it will go tho. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 10! (hey we made it to double digets) -??? P.O.V.- The sun had just and a young mouse girl stands over the still body of a women. it had been 5 days since she found the girl unconscious in a cave as she was looking for treasure. the girl had been wounded and bleeding badly when she was found and the mouse girl did the best patch work she could. ???: "its a miracle she survived must have an angel looking over her" *the mouse girl says to herself as she changes the bandages* "lets hope the wounds wont get infected before i get her to a town" -Ash P.O.V- the girl groaned a little in her state as the bandages were changed it was a sign she might wake soon if lucky and the mouse seemed glad as it would make traveling a lot easier. meanwhile Ash was making her way towards the two. She did not sleep or eat after she picked up Michael's scent from the cave. She didn't plan to stop till she found her but her exhaustion and hunger started to take its toll on her and she slowed down. Even tho she didn't want to she stops to eat and rest for a few moments. siting under a tree and taking out some of the rations she planned to share with Michael she begins to eat. she started to think how soft the ground was and yawns mid bite before beginning to nod off she knew she would hate herself when she woke up but she couldn't fight sleep anymore as her eyes close and she slumbers. when Ash wakes she found herself slowed greatly and sore from the fight she had only days ago again. she cursed herself for now taking the centaurs advice or help and pressed on. -Michael P.O.V.- The sun shines bright in the sky Michael's eyes slowly flutter open and she tries to sit up groaning. surprising Michael the mouse girl comes running over. ???: "no no don't move miss" she forces Michael to lay back down "you still need to rest we will be moving out soon" Michael: "wah w..who are you? where is ash..where am i" *winces sore and felt like they had been hit by a truck* Irene: "your safe calm down i'm sorry i don't know who this Ash is but my name is Irene i'm a hinezumi i found you passed out 5 days ago wounded in a cave care to tell me what happened?" Michael: "i.i was shot by some bandits and fell into a c..cave i could have sworn i was dead" {shes nice for a hinezumi..i thought they were more the tsundere type..stop no time to think about that she saved your bloody life} Irene: "oh my so i take this Ash is a friend of yours?" Michael: "yes she was helping me get to a town i needed to get there to find a book to reverse a curse" Irene:"i see mind telling me the name we need to get you to a town anyways for your wounds i did the best patch work but they can still get infected" Michael: *i reply with the towns name and think to myself if it wasn't for her saving my hide i would not answer and try to wait for ash* Irene: "what a coincidence i'm heading there for a festival and it might be the closet town to i haven't looked at a time correct map recently so i'm not sure" Michael: "i.i see" i might be to trusting i think to myself Irene: "we have to head out soon so you better get some more rest as you will have to walk if we are to make it in time" Michel: "o..okay" Irene leaves me to go start packing the camp up as i lay there lost in thought now mostly trying to figure out how i was alive when my head started to hurt before i could see only in red. as this happened a male voice spoke in my head it was a deep and gave me the chills. the voice told me to keep on my toes and to not travel to far without a companion as i was in more danger then i knew. after a few moments my vision returned to normal and i looked around in a little freak panic. Irene: "is something wrong?" Michael: "n..no nothing just thought i saw a wasp is all" I lied i couldn't tell her what just happen she think i was crazy so i just close my eyes and tried to rest as the words replayed in my head over and over again. A few short days later i was on map duty for us so far we had been making good time at least that's what Irene says. I was slow most the time shuffling and partly distracted from what happened days ago and thinking about Ash. my wounds had started heal nicely at least so there was no infection. i was beginning to think of keeping a diary but i wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Irene stops me and takes the map doing a quick scan of it "okay should only be 5 maybe 4 days away if we skip a nights rest" michael: "o..okay" Some Bushes behind us rustle before i'm suddenly tackled and knocked over the last thought before screaming ow a bunch in my head is why does bad shit happen to me all the time! (srry this ones so short (no word couner on paste bin as well ) by the way wanted to both get myself time to get caught up with a few shortys as well as set up for a collab even if i would be early to the spot and i might put a poll up for what jumped her if i cant decide ) |
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| Don't worry about chapter length, that doesn't matter much :P It's just personal preferences. I re-read it because I have to say I only remembered the most important things and now I'm curious as to how the various characters are linked together and what's going to happen next :) Keep at it my man and don't worry about shit. |
| I'm gonna have to re-read the entire story myself when I have time,but i remember the important details for now. I wonder what this town is you are going to. I wonder what kind of festival Irene planning to attend. |
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| My vote for what tackled your MC: |
| I did it i managed to pump this chapter out its not to good but when i was writing it i as on a flow its a bit more rp-ish style i feel more comortable this way to be honest and it helps me pump out the convos better so please dont be to anoyed. also im sure yall wondering what popped out the bushes sadly metallum i didnt use your idea but it was a great on thanks for the suggestion also i want yall to remember i said before i wasnt asking for revisons anymore i flt like i was being anoying and it didnt feel like me anymore anyways so sorry if yall are to anoyed by it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter: 11 After a few moments i feel Irene moving what or who ever was atop me off and i pull myself up groaning and brushing the dirt off. Michael: "man that really hurt" i spit some dirt out "what was that." Irene: "here" points to a girl she rolled off me. I look at the girl she had tan skin and a mess of short brown hair by the look she seemed just a bit taller then myself. At first glance i didn't notice but her clothes were in taters and she had scratch and bite marks all over almost like she was attacked by wild animals. Michael: "what happened to her" Irene: "i'm not very sure but we should be careful looking at the wounds this was recent" Michael: "alright Irene but shouldn't we help her i mean she could get sick or something" Irene: takes a deep sigh "alright but only because i don't like seeing people hurt" Michael: "same reason you helped me i'm sure guess ill carry her" I wince a little as i pick up the girl. she was heavy but i was feeling ind even if she did cause me to face plant in the dirt. Irene: "your such a weak little girl" she smirks having a joking tone Michael: "s..shut up we should find a place to make camp after a bit" Irene: "yea lets get a move on before what ever attacked her shows up you better hope this dosent make us late i want to make it on time" Michael: "yea yea" I started to trudge along behind Irene. the girl had clenched my blouse it was adorable and alittle saddening who or what could have done this to the poor girl. Before i could get myself lot in thought of all the possibility and before i could trip i looked up form her. The forest was mostly quiet beside the sounds of birds and other animals. Well mostly i could see Irene was chuckling about something. Michael: "what is so funny?" Irene: "oh just i never noticed you were going without panties this whole time" I felt my face flush red "S..shut up and how did you just notice that" Irene: "i gave you privacy of course like you asked im no pervert" she huffed Michael: "o..oh sorry and thank you for that and yes i have..the person who gave me the clothes didn't give me with any and my friend ash forgot to buy me some the last town we were at" Irene: "and why didn't you remind her?" Michael: "i um..forgot" I looked away a bit and pouted Irene: "i see well maybe we will get you some when we get to the town" Michael: "um thanks i really owe you alot" Irene: "Don't worry about it" After a good five more hours of walking now in silence it started to get dark. it was my turn to set up the sleeping spots while Irene went to get fire wood i made the hurt girls spot first to lay her down on giving up any cushioning Irene had let me use. I had started to remove her clothes to get her patched up with what little i knew form first aid in school. I left her bra and panties on her my face was to flushed and my mans pride wouldn't let me take them off in the first place. Most of the wounds were not to deep but there was a bite on her arm that was really bad i was worried it was gonna get infected. I was to deep in thought on how i would clean the wound with what Irene had that i didn't even notice she woke till i felt something touch me and i jumped almost screamed. Looking down i could see her hand on my knee and her eyes open weakly. Michael: "o..oh your awake" ???: "w..where a..am i" Michael: "your in my camp just rest your really hurt" ???: "s..so warm" Michael: "you might have a fever look can you tell me your first name and ill gt you some water" Diana: "i..its Diana" Michael: "alright Diana just hold on" i get her a drink of water from one of the water skins Irene carries around for us She drinks it down slowly and i had placed my hand on her forehead she seemed a bit warm Michael: "you seem to have a small fever just get plenty of res..." I froze up a little i could have sworn her nails looked sharper then before but i shook my head i was probably just tired. "get plenty of rest now okay" Diana: "o..okay" she was breathing a little heavy Michael: "good now can you tell me what attacked you?" Diana: "a..a w..wolf" Michael: "a wolf okay that makes things a bit easier for treating you till we can get to a town" Diana: "..so warm" I had to stop her as she tried to sit up suddenly. "hey hey i said rest now your in no condition to get up" she was really warm now i started to get worried and i hoped Irene would make it back soon. lost in thought agian i was snapped back as i felt my back scratched through my blouse and i jumped michael: "ow! h.hey what was that for" Diana: "s..sorry it was an a.accident" she seemed ot sniff me "y..you smell nice" Michael: "look um i think your getting delirious and need to lay down okay" i managed to lay her back down her nails were defiantly sharper or i just dint notice how they were before. "look i need to treat this to if any of the fur or anything of the wolf bot under your nails those scratch you just gave me could get infected okay" She nodded to me weakly she looked really sorry. I pulled my blouse off and moved over to Irene's bag of medical supplies to try and patch the scratches myself. I turned back around to Diana once i was done with my shitty work just to find hr siting up again this time tho she was flushed and panting. Mihael: "Diana are you okay?" Diana: Panting "i..its so warm" she looked at her hands "i..i feel w..weird to..to" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i know the h-scene and the TF were bad and i am so very sory i tried my hardest |
130nuMay 29, 2023 8:11 PM
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| Still going commando? What a trooper. Also Michael seems to attract girls with Ash in their name :-P |
| The misspellings and missing words made it a tad difficult to read, but not unreadable or unenjoyable. I suggest reading your writing out loud to yourself when doing edits. That is the best way I catch missing words. I am wondering how Irene knows you are a guy since you haven't told her yet. And that villain laugh is way too cliché man XD As for the transformation scene it was really good, first observed one in all of msg I think. My only complaint is it kinda felt rushed out something. The h-scene was good too. No quality advice I can think of for ya. |
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| Chapter 12 - filler -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I awoke to Irene and Diana speaking they were talking about how in the morning we would arrive at the town and about how Diana should stop doing something i couldn't really understand my mind clouded a bit. I was confused i could have sworn when we found ashley it was a few days left of travel. Pushing the thought aside i tried to figure out what Irene was trying to get Diana to stop but i soon found out as my hips were raised and something pressed against my slit. I remembered Diana was a futanari and my mind slowly pieced together she was about to fuck me. Before i could even try to stop her i felt the rod split me i let out a lewd gasp. I expected it to hurt like stepping on a nail but it didn't. Instead it felt good really good like i had been fucking her for days. This was when i realized while i was out we had been fucking i was worried but that soon faded as Diana began to thrust her large meat stick grinding against my walls A moan escaped my lips and it occurred to me they didn't even know i was awake and i could hear Diana trying to coax Irene into joining. Diana: “come on little mouse you will enjoy her tongue~” Irene: “i..i shouldn't “ Diana: “it won't hurt her or you just this once you're all wet anyways you can't resist~” Irene: “f..fine just this once” Before i had Irene's dripping slit on my face. Something in my head it told me to take her and show my dominance on the two. They didn't know i was awake yet but now they did as i moved forcing ashley onto her back and picking Irene up. Both girls eeped with surprise and i sted to ride Diana's wolf dick hard while holding irene in place licking at her folds. Irene: “ahh n..no stahp you idiot” Diana: “mm don't listen to her go harder and mmm lick her deeper~” Diana slapped my ass and something drove me to listen to her as i went harder on my bouncing and i licked deeper into Irene's slit. Even tho Irene had protested her body was saying other wise as her legs had locked around my head preventing me from stopping even if i wanted to. It didn't take long for the three of us to reach climaxes. I felt Diana's dick twitch wildly and grow before she forced my hips down and she creampied me. As i felt her hot seed fill me my own body shook along with irene's as we shared a climax i moaned into Irene as she leaked juices into my mouth. This act continued for hours till i had managed to get Irene off me she being the first done. My mind was clouded with tiredness and pleasure so i didn't notice when someone came across our group at first but Diana did. She let out a growl at the newcomer but the person ignored her and came closer and soon hugged me as i road Diana. I was able to snap out of my clouded mind to notice it was Ash. her eyes were full of tears of joy but they were also had a lustful glint a she suddenly kissed me. I moaned into the kiss and our tongues intertwined the kissing lasted for five minutes before Ash pulled away and stood up she undid her clothes and revealed to me she was like Diana but much bigger. She put the rod up to my face and i got a large whiff of her scent it was so powerful and familiar. As the scent clouded my mind again and i took her into my mouth i remember when i first spoke to ash and how she avoided speaking of a time we traveled while i was ill. It was this i had done this with her. After that realization i had blacked out and when i came to it was morning i was covered in cum from both Ash and Diana both girls in my holes. I couldn't believe what had happened the night before or any of the my realization but here was the proof right on and in me as i weakly managed to get off the girls. I staggered a few steps from the to but seems i had woken Ash up when i got her out of me and she caught me. Ash: “m..michael im so sorry i ..i was so excited when i found you and your scent it drove me into a short rut and i..” I cut her off with a kiss “look its..its fine part of me enjoyed it but i need time i..i shouldn't have like that” Ash was stunned by what i had said and done i could tell as she just hugged me. As my body woke up more i noticed i was really sore which explained why it was hard to walk. I looked around from Ashe’s hug and i could see Diana was still asleep and so was Irene she was a bit different tho her flames looked to be out and she had a lewd smile and blush i could have sworn i heard my name before a lewd giggle. I figured what happened just had an impact and she would be back to normal upon waking up. Ash: “well we have..alot to talk about before those two wake don't we like who they are and such” I simply nodded and got ash to set me down but she did not really as she did sit me down but she sat directly next to me hugging me still like i was hers and hers alone. I let out a sigh but i liked it her hug was warm and soft so i leaned into her and began explaining everything i could easily. After what i assumed 3 hours i was finished and the others were awake irene had her fire back and she acted like nothing had happened the night before but she had a light blush when she looked at me. Ash and Diana seemed to been getting along but soon got into a small fight over me as irene and i worked on packing up i had a bad feeling from it but i tried to ignore it. Once everything was packed up and i was cleaned up and dressed we set off it shouldn't take long now for us to reach our destination, but if the books there will i be able to use it or has the recent events started to cause me to change my mind i wasn't sure. |
130nuMay 29, 2023 8:17 PM
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| Ash the hellhound and Ashley the werewolf .... that wont get confusing |
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| Some grammar and punctuation stuff. Meh. As for the scene itself, I'd focus more on the emotional aspect than the mechanical. It may not exactly be easy to do that, given that it's hard to claim that you have experience being a female =P but I think you'd want to embrace the "wrongness" or "rightness" of the act from the MC's perspective. There's a bit of that in the MC's comment afterward, but there isn't enough to really get a feel for how the MC feels about it. Also, dialogue is the one thing I don't think you should summarize. Saying that they "had a fight" over you is something (I think) you should have written out. It'd give you a chance to give the readers a better idea of how you imagine those characters and add depth to them. Nothing bad or anything, just my thoughts =) |
| Finally caught up here as well. I agree with the posters above that those names are bound to confuse people. Perhaps referring to their species (Hellhound/Werewolf) occasionally rather than their names might help with that. |
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