beast_regards said: It was already puzzling how to handle MSG when you turned everything on the island into Reavers. Rhea was pretty much the only one, Kalameet and the centaur mercenary were just ugly, and the humans were just assholes. You're really blowing how many hideously deformed murders there were in the story out of proportion. Shit though, good thing nothing in my story really conflicts with any time period. |
 |
mdude009 said: You're really blowing how many hideously deformed murders there were in the story out of proportion. Good job you made such a impression, don't you think? mdude009 said: Shit though, good thing nothing in my story really conflicts with any time period. Your original story is past for everyone. A couple of us used same chronology since our characters met or some events happen. I originally planned to resettle that town of yours as it will be only stinking ghost town with deformed skeletons. But what about this one? Is it in same time as ours? |
beast_regardsAug 28, 2014 2:17 AM
| Signature removed. It was too good for this cruel world. |
beast_regards said: Good job you made such a impression, don't you think? Yep, I'm the greatest, bow down all ye plebeians! The gods and demons you fear and worship are as nothing to me! |
|
mdude009 said: I'm the greatest, bow down all ye plebeians! The gods and demons you fear and worship are as nothing to me! [sigh]The power has gone to his head again. Fortunately, there was a plan for this. Raheli, Leah... mdude needs a spanking. Your Captain commands it! |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| @mdude: lol beast tends to blow things out of proportion... :3 but yeah I only remember there being a handful of messed up characters and you pretty much named them in that last post (other than the futa wolves....). The cyclops girl seemed attractive by your description, the fox girl would have been okay if she wasn't bald, the oomukade seemed okay (you were just a d**k to her lol) and even the original blade tails weren't described with any bad qualities. I think there were actually more GOOD characters in your story than bad, but the bad ones stood out soooo much that its hard to remember the good ones lol. |
  |
beast_regards said: But what about this one? Is it in same time as ours? I'll certainly try to keep it that way, at least avoid anything that would conflict with the current time period. Also god damn, it's getting harder and harder to keep my chapters short, this pseudo-two and a half page limit really doesn't help much with how much ground I have to cover. Sorry folks, but by the time we get to chapter 4 I fear most chapters might be bordering on 4 pages in length. Especially when we get to the *mumble mumble* |
|
| Like I said, we've still got a few chairs open on the textwall committee. Though, we also have a 12-step program if you start dropping 10k+ chapters with 3 or more h-scenes =P |
emeraldtryst said: Like I said, we've still got a few chairs open on the textwall committee. Though, we also have a 12-step program if you start dropping 10k+ chapters with 3 or more h-scenes =P I don't think you understand, I'm talking Chapter 2, Part 5 length parts (five pages in word) for an entire chapter once we get to the I mean that will be a lot of ground to cover. |
|
mdude009 said: it's getting harder and harder to keep my chapters short I can relate. I started my story with the goal of writing 1,000-word chapters. By the time I got halfway through I was regularly cranking out 2-3k chapters, and I think my longest is over 5k. Short story length starts at about 1,500 words, and anything over 10k is a novella. Now, what were you planning in terms of whole story length (which we rarely discuss around here)? At 60k you've written a short novel, and several of the completed stories meet or surpass that mark. |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| lol its hard to break a chapter and make it seem organic, though many of us don't mind a text wall, we've sat through several with some of the veteran stories. I personally dislike shorter chapters, it feels like I just invested time in reading something and it didn't satisfy me if it only took me a minute to read it. I'd like at an ABSOLUTE MINIMUM 5 minutes worth of reading lol, though i'm a fast reader so that is usually a fairly substantial text wall, so my standards my not be exactly fair. My problem is when I start reading, I don't want to stop. I pick up a novel and I had better empty my schedule for that day because I will be determined to read the entire book that same damn day... unless its just a painful read.. |
|
| Part 8: There is only one word that could describe the magnificent metropolis in which I stood, prosperous. Every aspect of the great city of Alnor radiate with the business and mercantilism the city was built upon. From the wide streets filled with evenly cut bricks swept daily so the image of poor maintenance could not sully the idea of the cities wealth, to the spotless glass and polished wood that found it's home upon the lovingly built neo gothic homesteads and storehouses that framed the busy streets. Upon those streets so bright they shined as if the bricks were carved from the ivory tusks of some radiant beast rather than simple stone a steady stampede of entrepreneurs and nobility parading around in fine clothes of only the finest quality, their purses fat with coin rattling as they walked, flew, and slithered upon the stones that held the burden of the precious stones and metals that bared down on their hands and necks. And here I was, foul and unkempt with nothing to display but a brown rag around my waist that most these people wouldn't even consider blowing their noses in. "Do not worry yourself too much about impressions" Lauren assured me, taking quick notice of my severe drop in dignity, "this is one of the most elite districts of the city, they will outfit you with some civilian clothing at the guardhouse. I am certain you will feel more at home in the western districts." Despite her attempt to relax me I still tried desperately to keep my eyes down. I loath the idea of watching all the disapproving glares and disgusted sneers that these people surely must have been giving me. But I could not keep my eyes down. I was able to get my first true look at the species that inhabited this world. A showcase of scales, feathers, and chitin as far as the eyes could see. Women who slithered on long colourful tails of thick scales to women whose polished arachnid legs clicked against evenly placed stones with tiny needle tipped claws. Claws and fur, fangs and scales, talons and wings. Hybrids of women and animals, hybrids of women and myths, even women who were simply made of liquid, with only the occasional human to break up the fantastic sight. To my delight I soon discovered that there were not actually many in this crowd who disapproved of my look, and to my dismay I discovered there were far too many who looked at me with lustful predatory eyes. Though their eyes always drifted to my companion and hastily snapped back to that which was in front of them. It was beneficial to have a woman of such size guiding me through this land, much more so knowing she had authority. "We have arrived" Lauren suddenly broke me out of my minor trance. In front of me stood a building that seemed as if it had no place in this city. A plain and grey stone rectangle jutting out of the ground. Small barred openings covering the very base exposing minimal rooms with rags thrown over hay and rotting wooden slabs hanging from the walls as makeshift benches. the walls of the building covered in simple wood framed windows foggy with dirt and one single reinforced wooden door standing under an admittedly well made sign reading "East District Guardhouse & Holding Area." "...Is your budget shit or your spending shit?" I joked. "Language!" She snapped, "It may not be the most impressive building in the Eastern district but it serves its purpose. We cannot be expected to spend large amounts of our budget to make the bases seem luxurious. I mean there is the expense of recruitment and training, keeping the armoury stocked, cost of feeding and housing prisoners, cost of guard outposts outside of the city..." "Alright, I get it. Let's go in I guess." She nodded and moved forward, pulling the rusted iron ring acting as the handle of the heavy wood, stepping inside and me following. The room was just as simplistic and dull as the exterior, heavy wooden floorboard devoid of stain or finish, grey brick walls stretching to support beams holding up a ceiling that matched the floor. Six mirrored pathways on either side of the entrance, two leading up some stairs, two leading down some stairs, and two leading into hallways. Besides that only a few oil lamps on the walls and on the heavy crude desk that stood in the center of the room, a single green scaled reptilian wearing armour smaller but identical to Lauren's sitting at it going through numerous amounts of papers. "If you have any complaints please go up the stairs to my right up three floors, exist to the right, and enter the second door on the left," the lizard girl said in a dull monotone, not even bothering to look up from her work, "if you have anything to report please take the stairs to my left up two floors, turn left, first door on the right." "Now now Deneva, what have I told you about maintaining both professionalism AND approachability?" Lauren told the guardswoman in a lecturing tone. Deneva's head suddenly sprang up to look directly at Lauren, a short expression of surprise quickly replaced with a bright eyed happiness. "Lauren!" She shouted excitably as she practically jumped from her chair to meet the werewolf. "I thought you wouldn't be back for another two weeks at least!" "I had to modify my schedule a bit" "I'm so glad you're back, I have great news!..." She paused as disappointment seemed to creep onto her face, "oh, but before that Amelia wanted to see you the second you got back, it's urgent." "Oh my" Lauren put a clawed finger to her chin, pondering what may have been so important, "well if it's truly so urgent than I will not spare a second." She looked over at me and then back at Deneva, "this man, could you please keep watch over him while I go, I will handle him once I am finished." Deneva straightened out and gave a salute "of course ma'am!" Lauren gave me one more glance and a shrug before quickly making her way up the right staircase, Deneva holding her salute until Lauren was out of sight. Then she turned to me, only instead of an expression of welcome she had a stern authoritative expression plastered on her hard yet feminine face. Her hand quickly shot out and grabbed me by the arm, rough scales scraping against the relatively soft flesh painfully. "Come on, move it!" She yelled, pulling me in front of her and then pushing me towards the descending staircase right of the entrance. "Guess you get to keep the bitch company." "Wait! Hold on! I'm not a prisoner!" I tried protesting as she led me down the stairs into the foul smelling chambers below. "Yeah, sure you're not, and I'm actually a dragon just hiding her wings" she remarked sarcastically, "now shut up and walk, sounds like Lauren has something special in mind for you." She pushed me though the small hallway, poorly lit and barren except for the metal reinforced wooden doors to the right and the small amounts of water trapped in tiny trenches chiseled into the cold stone floors. Finally we reached the fourth door and stopped, Deneva unhooking the keys from her belt and looked though them to find the correct one. "Please, I swear I'm not a criminal, I think you misunderstood what Lauren was saying" I quickly tried to reason with the woman. "If you're not a prisoner than Lauren will let you out of here when she's done with the sarge, until then enjoy your new company." She finally opened the door and tossed me in, slamming it behind me and trapping me in the cell. |
mdude009Aug 29, 2014 1:27 PM
|
greatgreenman said: lol its hard to break a chapter and make it seem organic, though many of us don't mind a text wall, we've sat through several with some of the veteran stories. Actually the first chapter of my original story was a long text wall, Su recommended I split it into two parts after he greenlit it and even then there's were some people complaining about them being too long. Ever since then I've tried keeping my posts relatively short, it's not working out so well lately though so if no one really minds I might start getting into a lot more longer chapters. |
|
mdude009 said: greatgreenman said: lol its hard to break a chapter and make it seem organic, though many of us don't mind a text wall, we've sat through several with some of the veteran stories. Actually the first chapter of my original story was a long text wall, Su recommended I split it into two parts after he greenlit it and even then there's were some people complaining about them being too long. Ever since then I've tried keeping my posts relatively short, it's not working out so well lately though so if no one really minds I might start getting into a lot more longer chapters. Do eet! Anyway, I liked this here chapter. I certainly made no secret of the fact that I loved Alnor in my own MG bonanza, so this feels like getting to see other parts of the city. So off to jail now, is it? On the plus side you've already got SOME manner of shiv. =P |
| Hurrah o/ |
| Signature removed. It was too good for this cruel world. |
| Ha! Mistaken for a prisoner! Priceless! |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
| Did... Did I lose like half my viewership? Dammit! This chapter was shit! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! |
|
| that how i feel with only 3 or 4 people commenting on my chapters :T i forgot read this yesturday (reading now) |
 |
Clarus_Nox said: that how i feel with only 3 or 4 people commenting on my chapters :T It'll have a fairly easy time catching up on yours, thankfully unlike many others I don't have to go through like 50 chapters just to get to the current one... Not fun when you work on the weekends, have university classes over the week, are writing your own story, want to catch up on a few cartoons and anime, catch up on your novel reading, and want to get some more time in with Skullgirls and Red Orchestra 2. Shit when did my life get so cluttered, I used to have pretty much nothing to do once upon a time. |
|
| finished the chapter mdude009 said: "Wait! Hold on! I'm not a prisoner!" I tried protesting as she led me down the stairs into the foul smelling chambers below. "Yeah, sure you're not, and I'm actually a dragon just hiding her wings" she remarked sarcastically, "now shut up and walk, sounds like Lauren has something special in mind for you." my reaction - LMAO XD |
|
mdude009 said: Clarus_Nox said: that how i feel with only 3 or 4 people commenting on my chapters :T It'll have a fairly easy time catching up on yours, thankfully unlike many others I don't have to go through like 50 chapters just to get to the current one... Not fun when you work on the weekends, have university classes over the week, are writing your own story, want to catch up on a few cartoons and anime, catch up on your novel reading, and want to get some more time in with Skullgirls and Red Orchestra 2. Shit when did my life get so cluttered, I used to have pretty much nothing to do once upon a time. i know the feeling, i recently caught up to DCW now i need decide whose to read now, im going to be heading to kioko's area soon so i guess i should read the ones that hold relevance there in case i need include events or effects of such past events in my story |
|
| how have you lost half of your viewership? sometimes it takes a few days for everyone to get around to reading the updates.Though a lot of ppl will just read and not say something, I just talk too much and can't go without saying something ^^ Lol that's a nice twist, though I worry about what is waiting for you behind those bars :3. The intro was very well written, describing Alnor in detail that I have yet to see before. In my readings of other stories, I get vague impressions of a fairly busy but rather rustic trading center. I never had the impression that the city was THAT impressive. I pictured something more to the scale of a village from Fable I, but your description makes me think of it more in terms of a true metropolitan city though from ancient times. Now I picture it to be more like a roman capital, just a bit more bad ass because they have magic to help them build :P |
|
mdude009 said: Mine's only 33 :(It'll have a fairly easy time catching up on yours, thankfully unlike many others I don't have to go through like 50 chapters just to get to the current one... Not fun when you work on the weekends, have university classes over the week, are writing your own story, want to catch up on a few cartoons and anime, catch up on your novel reading, and want to get some more time in with Skullgirls and Red Orchestra 2. Shit when did my life get so cluttered, I used to have pretty much nothing to do once upon a time. |
|
| so to comment on the story, is Deneva going to be your 2nd companion? i havent read one with a lizardman yet, and the initial meeting is great imo. :3 |
|
greatgreenman said: how have you lost half of your viewership? I get paranoid when I don't get replies, even critism. I can't know I'm doing something right or doing something wrong unless I get feedback so I scan for feedback like a crow and carrion. If I get no feedback I generally assume people think it's so shit they can't even put how shit it is in words. greatgreenman said: The intro was very well written, describing Alnor in detail that I have yet to see before. In my readings of other stories, I get vague impressions of a fairly busy but rather rustic trading center. I never had the impression that the city was THAT impressive. I pictured something more to the scale of a village from Fable I, but your description makes me think of it more in terms of a true metropolitan city though from ancient times. Now I picture it to be more like a roman capital, just a bit more bad ass because they have magic to help them build :P Yeah, I was a little worried that my vision of Alnor would conflict with other visions, I did what I could to make it limited to a specific area of the city so it wouldn't conflict too much, and went to pantsman directly for approval over the concept. I imagine the East District would kind of be like the downtown of a city, the big hussle and bussle area where all the business goes down. |
|
Clarus_Nox said: so to comment on the story, is Deneva going to be your 2nd companion? i havent read one with a lizardman yet, and the initial meeting is great imo. :3 Kami's companion is a Lizard girl, it's a pretty good story, one of the top tier I've read, I'd highly recommend it. Also Deneva is a secondary character, she will appear in later chapters and the story will follow her at times but she is not a companion... Oh and I feel like at this point there's no more reason to lie since like I said the real story starts with this chapter... Lauren isn't a companion either. |
|
| Well first off, there's almost ZERO division described about the city in other stories, but we know for essentially ANY city, the wealthy would want to separate their living areas from that of the middle class and the poor. You distinctly described one of the wealthier regions. It COULD be that the other stories focused more on the business districts, but mostly I've just seen rather a lack of description to really picture anything and my mind just filled in the blanks. Well this isn't really a critical club when it comes to writing. The most action you'll see is when you get close to breaking rules. Otherwise its when you write something truly epic, but again it wont be anything constructive, just "Omg that was an awesome scene, where you blah blah and so and so did blah blah.." lol. I think almost everything has been well written so far, there are a few grammatical errors and spelling, etc but we all have them since this isn't professional and nobody is helping us edit or stories. Proof reading only does so much. The ending was good, it wasn't a cliff hanger so you successfully avoided that lol. You have good attention to detail, it stands out in all of your writing. SOMETIMES you go a little overboard, but I think this was a fair and brief description, especially that of the outpost (or w/e you want to call it). The character expressions and emotions are pretty fluid and natural feeling. I'd say on the whole I'd give you 8/10 on your writing so far lol. I like longer chapters (but that's just me, others like shorter but what can ya do? You can't please everyone). But that's good in my book, I'd put my own writing somewhere around a 1/10 so congrats :P I think you're a better writer than myself. |
|
| Really now? |
|
mdude009 said: Haww bastard! I've already invested myself emotionally in her character! How can you steal her away from my heart so soon! *gasp* I feel faint! :3Also Deneva is a secondary character, she will appear in later chapters and the story will follow her at times but she is not a companion... Oh and I feel like at this point there's no more reason to lie since like I said the real story starts with this chapter... Lauren isn't a companion either. |
|
greatgreenman said: How can you steal her away from my heart so soon! *gasp* I feel faint! :3 Oh don't worry, she's not gone, just... Not exactly a companion. |
|
| It's interesting that I actually envisioned the eastern side of the city as being more upscale as well. =) I'd think that the southernmost parts would be among the most varied. Based on the map (unless there is a hidden harbor I didn't read about), the docks would be on the southern reaches which suggests that the busiest markets would be as well (more or less). Since Alnor is also such a hot tourist destination with it's massive population of working prostitutes, I sort of imagined the famous "whore's district" to run in a ring around the middle of the entire city. That's just what I envisioned, of course =P I honestly left a lot of things vague when I described the city, outside of a few specific locations, because I didn't want to force my vision on anybody. The reason this chapter is so cool in that regard is that it doesn't go on to suggest that the entire city is a gleaming metropolis, but at least the section the character got a chance to see. |
greatgreenman said: I'd say on the whole I'd give you 8/10 on your writing so far lol. I like longer chapters (but that's just me, others like shorter but what can ya do? You can't please everyone). But that's good in my book, I'd put my own writing somewhere around a 1/10 so congrats :P I think you're a better writer than myself. give yourself some credit green, i'd give mdude a 8 as well, but your's i'd give a 7, a 6 at least. mine i'd say is maybe a 5 (feel free to disagree ;D) greatgreenman said: mdude009 said: Haww bastard! I've already invested myself emotionally in her character! How can you steal her away from my heart so soon! *gasp* I feel faint! :3Also Deneva is a secondary character, she will appear in later chapters and the story will follow her at times but she is not a companion... Oh and I feel like at this point there's no more reason to lie since like I said the real story starts with this chapter... Lauren isn't a companion either. So does that mean someone can make them their companions in other stories? like shadow and hestrova? >> i certainly wouldn't mind having an already fleshed out character to use for my 3rd story (yes i already have the general synopsis for my 2nd and 3rd stories XD bad habit of mine, i begin writing other books whilst i'm still writing my first) |
|
greatgreenman said: But that's good in my book, I'd put my own writing somewhere around a 1/10 so congrats :P I think you're a better writer than myself. I haven't gotten around to it yet but I'm sure it's not that bad, you are your harshest critic after all. Clarus_Nox said: So does that mean someone can make them their companions in other stories? like shadow and hestrova? Both Lauren and Deneva will still be playing a fairly big part in the story so I'm afraid they're off limits for now. |
|
mdude009 said: they're off limits for now. .... mdude009 said: for now. >D> |
|
Clarus_Nox said: mdude009 said: for now. >D> You are aware this story could easily reach over 10 chapters in length and the first chapter is still being uploaded right? |
|
| i think we have slightly differing definitions of what a chapter is :T plus i said 3rd story, White, Black, and Silver is gonna be going to be going for at least another 30 or so then there is my 2nd which i plan to make at least 30 chapters :3. i wouldn't be surprised if you were in the middle of your 3rd by the time i came asking for the girls with your current upload rate |
|
Clarus_Nox said: i think we have slightly differing definitions of what a chapter is :T Fuck traditions! I'm going for revolutionary! |
|
| the nomenclature is vague, its up to the writer to determine what a chapter is. Technically speaking, we have pretty much bastardized the traditional method and we keep calling our posts the "chapters" but really a chapter is supposed to be an arc, or a time period.. actually its more or less a defined interval that an author is happy with, but they're are usually longer than what most of us post. mdude's "chapters" are actually more on par with what is "tradition" so in essence, WE are the rebels seeking revolution, mdude is the old foggie sticking with traditions :P Get with the times old man :3 |
|
| ha |
|
| Semantics.. Do you need my help to cross the street or should I call your nurse? lol |
|
greatgreenman said: Semantics.. Do you need my help to cross the street or should I call your nurse? lol No!... Could you call the hospital? I've fallen and can't get up. |
|
| Nah.. You need to learn to be independent, we can't keep helping you up like this. |
|
| yeah crawl b*tch mwhahahaha |
|
greatgreenman said: Nah.. You need to learn to be independent, we can't keep helping you up like this. B-but my hip replacement! Is this anyway to treat an old man! I killed fascists and Chechens back in my day! |
|
mdude009 said: Is this anyway to treat an old man! such is the life in the zone |
|
| Well I suppose we could practice euthanasia but I was giving you a chance, but I guess I'll have to reconsider.. |
|
Clarus_Nox said: mdude009 said: Is this anyway to treat an old man! such is the life in the zone Да товарищ  |
|
| The old folks zone |
|
mdude009 said: @GGM, W-well it's revolutionary in terms of the MSG, therefore by being the traditionalist I am being the rebel since no one follows tradition anymore. ??? I'm so confused! :) |
| "When you have bought your own load of hooey, you know exactly what it is worth." -- Bruce Sterling |
More topics from this board
» [MSGF] Shadowt5 Story ( 1 2 )Shadowt5 - Nov 8, 2014 |
93 |
by FlunentDirty
»»
Oct 6, 2019 9:37 PM |
|
» [MSGF] Ookami-51's StoryOokami-51 - Jun 1, 2015 |
39 |
by MetallumOperatur
»»
May 2, 2018 5:59 PM |
|
» [MSGC] MetallumOperatur's Story: A Brave New World ( 1 2 3 )MetallumOperatur - Aug 15, 2015 |
122 |
by MetallumOperatur
»»
Sep 8, 2017 7:54 PM |
|
» [MSGC] - Aspicientis's Story ( 1 2 )aspicientis - Sep 14, 2014 |
87 |
by Clarus_Nox
»»
Jun 20, 2017 5:49 AM |
|
» [MSGC] Greatgreenman's Story ( 1 2 3 4 )New_User_12345 - May 27, 2014 |
167 |
by New_User_12345
»»
May 24, 2017 11:27 AM |