How to tell if your neighbors are Raptors

Jan 15, 2010 6:09 PM

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Jun 2008

3915

First off--what sort of raptor do you suspect your neighbors are? This is important because it plays into how you will go about confirming
their taxonomic identification.

1. Are they feathered birds?
2. Are they scaly reptiles?
3. Do they have smooth skin--in spite of what archaeologists would insist?
4. How large are they?
5. How many are there?
6. Do they have beaks, bills or soft fleshy mouths?
7. If they have beaks, are they sharply hooked? Or more like a chicken beak?
8. If they are bills--they are not raptors. Possibly geese, ducks, platypus or plesiosaurs.
9. How many legs do they have?
10. Do they have arms?
11. If they have fleshy mouths, are they lined with shiny sharp teeth? How many? It's more important than you think.
12. Is their trash overflowing with carcasses?
13. Do they seem to have control over their own bowels, or do they just let go without shame.
14. What colour are their eggs?
15. Is the texture of their eggs rough like a chicken egg, smooth like a duck egg, or leathery like a reptile egg?
16. Has the local population of house-pets been dwindling?
17. Do they seem overly fond of smoking meat? As in rolled like a spliff?
18. Do they have a car?
19. Do they fly to work without the aid of machines?
20. If you stand still, can they still see you?
21. How far can they spit?
22. Do they adopt children who never seem to be there a week or so after arriving?
23. What colour do the appear to be?
24. What kind of beer do they drink?
25. Do they share it?
26. Has the number of homeless and transients traipsing around dwindled?
27. What about the number of drug dealers?
28. Do you know anybody named Sal?
29. Does he like you?
30. Would he be willing to help you fend off a raptor attack?
31. How many monkeys do you own?
32. Are any of them trained in raptor-countermeasures?
33. How large is the largest piece of hickory you have access too?
34. Have you made out your will?
35. How long will it take before anyone notices you're gone?

Please answer as many of these questions as you can. Time is critical. Don't forget--you always need a bigger boat.

Good luck and god-speed.

What if the Hokey Pokey is what it is all about?